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「若見他人死，我心熱如火，不是熱他人，看看輪到我。」我在離開香港的時候，我寫了這樣幾個字，寫了什麼字呢？我說：「我就死了！」你們任何人一定不願意自己死，可是我在離開香港一個月之前，我寫了這麼四個字「我就死了！」。現在講話也是，看見他人講，我心裡打妄想；不是打旁的妄想，也就是看看輪到我講。那麼要講什麼呢？本來是沒有什麼可講，「凡有言說，都無實義」，所說出來的都是虛妄的。真實的，沒有法子可以說得出來。為什麼呢？它是「言語道斷，心行處滅」的；因為這樣子，所以說出來都是一種方便法。那麼方便法，也不能不說；因為你若一個方便都沒有了，那怎麼能明白這個真實的呢？所以還要說一說。
我在今年春天，曾經來過越南一次；當時就蒙這位超公法師熱烈的招待，挽留我在這兒多住幾天，和大家見一見面、結結法緣。因為當時我受到超公法師的感動，所以我也沒多加思索就答應了，說是：「越南天氣這麼熱，什麼時候天氣涼爽，我可以再來！」超公法師就說了：「十一月天氣涼爽！」因為我這個人旁的不怕，我就怕熱。在我北方，我穿單衣服，不穿棉衣服；腳不穿鞋，不穿襪在雪地裡走沒有關係，我不怕的。我不怕冷，就是怕熱；一到熱的地方，我的身上都出了很多汗，就沒有精神了。我說要等天氣涼一點，當時沒加思索。等以後回到美國，這一些個弟子就都反對了，說：「您春天走了，秋天又走，這怎麼可以的？您到旁的地方去，這是不可以的！」我說：「不可以，我已經答應了人家了！我不能反反覆覆地，不可以我也要走！」這變成在美國也一些個人不高興。現在到越南，連越南的人也不高興我，又說為什麼我走得太快了，應該在這兒住一個長時間。那我就向各位解釋了！
這次再來越南，本來在今年春天訂的是最少三個禮拜，三七廿一天。但是因為我這兩位自己認為很聰明，而我時時都覺得他們很愚痴的徒弟，他們三步一拜完了之後，我說：「好了！我這個做師父的陪著你們各處去跑一跑，我也不管你們是年青的、我是老的，我和你們來鬥一鬥！」這樣子，我就陪他們到印度、到暹邏。那麼也不怕熱，也不怕苦，錫蘭、新加坡又回來到西貢。你們現在如果不高興我，說我來的時候太短了，那你們先罵我這兩個徒弟，這個事情是他們兩個做成的。我不是不認錯，這的的確確是這樣子！
現在和你們各位諸山大德、各位善知識，能見面、能互相交換意見，這是我很高興的。但是我先要說明白，頭先超塵法師說我們三個真是「和尚」，這個話說出來令我流了很多眼淚。為什麼流很多眼淚呢？說：「那我沒有看見你流淚！」我若讓你們看見，那還得了了！我流眼淚不會叫你們看見，我流到心裏去。
為什麼要流眼淚呢？就因為我自己覺得，我出家對佛教一點貢獻沒有、一點成就也沒有。以前在大陸、在香港，常常自己責怪自己說：「你真是一個沒有用的人！你不是釋迦牟尼佛的徒弟！你釋迦牟尼佛的徒弟為什麼不能主持正法？」因為這樣子，我就很痛心的，痛心不能把佛教這一些個毛病改變過來！
在佛教裡，毛病很多很多的；不過佛教徒本身都不願意說自己的毛病。就像自己生了個瘡，不叫人知道自己身上有個瘡，就把它蓋著、遮覆著；如果教人知道自己有了瘡了，就好像自己有病了，身體不健康了，人家就對自己不會尊重了。我不是這樣子！我覺得佛教裡頭，很多似是而非的道理；愚夫愚婦這些個無知無識的人，也不知道一個真理，就習焉不察便成風了。我既然沒有力量改變佛教的錯誤，所以自己就常常痛心。
以後在一九六二年，我看著這個天快亮了，佛教應該推行到西方去了，所以那時候，我就到美國去教化老蕃。可是你們不要以為我好得意的，教化老蕃不容易的！我常說：「上天雖難也不難，教化西方人最難；入地雖難也不難，教化西方人最難；死而復生雖難也不難，教化西方人最難。」人死了，你再叫他活，也不難；只要你有這個神通，可以叫他活著。教化西方人最難，所有一切再難的事情都可以做；但是教化西方人不容易，因為他們的性情和亞洲人完全相反的。你說這樣子，他就要那樣子。你教他向南走，他一定轉個面向北去；你教他向東去，他一定要向西去。他們最不聽招呼、最不聽教化。你教他所有一切都要改變了，他一定不改的。為什麼呢？他說：「這個國家是民主自由的，為什麼你要管我？」啊！師父不可以管徒弟，要徒弟管師父，美國人要這樣的。若誰能把爸爸罵一頓、把媽媽打一頓，這是英雄，這是最出乎其類、拔乎其萃的。所以教化美國人不是那麼簡單、不是那麼容易的。
你教他吃一餐，他會偷著吃東西，你看這些人都有這個本事；我教他們吃一餐，他餓了，就去買牛奶喝。他不敢把牛奶從金山寺的門拿進來，他想一個神通；什麼神通呢？他用一個繩子從樓上的窗戶垂下去，把牛奶用繩子像釣魚似的吊上來，然後大家偷著喝。我那個門也很奇怪的，正當他們喝牛奶的時候，我那個門『砰』響了；啊！他們喝著牛奶的，或者嚇得都吐了出來！就這樣子，所以很不容易教化的。
這個徒弟，不但出家不好教他；在家的時候，也不好教化的。他在家是做海軍的，在美國造的那個怪物（潛水艇）裡邊住了五年半。住過五年半，他賺了很多錢，到岸上就要喝酒、玩女人，隨隨便便的這麼樣子。他做海軍，戴著海軍帽子到酒吧裏喝酒，看那酒吧裏又有男人、又有女人，很鬧熱的。他帶了一串長鞭炮──中國話說「一掛鞭」，把那門先關上了，把這個鞭炮偷偷點著了，就扔到那個櫃上，這個鞭就『霹霹叭叭』這麼一爆，把玻璃窗也打爛了、茶杯也打爛了、人也打傷了，喔！搞得就犯法了。犯法了，憲兵隊就來捉他，他就從門跑出去，遇著兩個憲兵，比他也高、比他也大、比他也胖，這兩個人一邊站一個：「看你往哪地方跑！」他這時候──你看他這麼這麼樣笨啊？他很聰明的！他學會了一個金蟬脫殼。你們懂什麼叫「金蟬脫殼」嗎？他把他帽子從頭上摘起來了，就問這兩個憲兵說：「你們認識這個是什麼？」這兩個憲兵就注意這個帽子，他把帽子一拋，拋到天空裏去了，這兩個憲兵就望著天上：「這是個什麼法寶哦？」他們這麼望著，他就跑了，逃之夭夭！在家的時候，他就有這麼大的本領，所以出家後，這個徒弟很不容易教的。你若是要他怎麼，他的眼睛就一瞪，他比師父高又大，很不容易管的；但是現在他三步一拜回來了，比較好得多了！
待續
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“If I see others dying, my heart burns. It’s not burning for others, but rather because it will soon be my turn.” When I left Hong Kong, I wrote a few words. What are they? “I am dying!” None of you wishes to die. When we speak now, the same principle applies. When I see others coming up to speak, I think, “It will soon be my turn to speak... what could I possibly talk about?” There is basically nothing to say. “Anything that is expressed in words cannot be the true meaning.” Anything we can verbally express is false and illusory. What’s really true cannot be articulated verbally. Why? The truth is seen when “the path of words and language is cut off and the mind is extinguished.” That which is verbally expressed is just an expedient. Even though it’s expedient, we still have to express it. If there is not a single skillful means, how can one understand what is true and real? Therefore, we have to elucidate these principles anyway.
I went to Vietnam once this spring. At that time, I received the warm hospitality of Elder Dharma Master Zhao. He asked me to stay for a few days so that I could meet and create Dharma affinities with everyone. Since I was so moved by Elder Dharma Master Zhao, I extended my stay without hesitation. I said, “The weather is so hot in Vietnam. When it gets cooler, I will visit again.” Elder Dharma Master Zhao replied, “It is cooler in November.” The only thing I fear is heat. When I lived in Northern China, I only wore a single layer of cloth; no cotton-padded clothes. I wore no shoes and could walk on snow without socks. I don’t fear cold but I am afraid of heat.
Whenever I arrive at a warm place, I perspire a lot and feel sapped of energy. That’s why I said I would like to wait until the weather gets cooler for my second visit. At that time, I did not give this promise too much thought. When I returned to the U.S., my disciples protested, “You left us in the Spring and you are leaving us again in the Fall. There is no way! You can’t go anywhere.” I said, “I have promised them and cannot change my mind. Even though you said no, I still have to leave.” Consequently, my disciples in America are not happy with me. When I came to Vietnam, the Vietnamese were not happy with me, either. They said I left too soon and should stay longer. So, I am now explaining to you the reason behind my quick departure.
When I came to Vietnam this time, I had planned, in spring, to stay for at least three weeks, which is 21 days. I said to my dull-witted disciples, who think themselves intelligent, after they completed their three steps one bow pilgrimate, “All right, I can accompany you in traveling. I don’t care if you are young or old. I will compete with you!” For this reason, I will accompany them to India and Thailand. I fear neither heat nor suffering. I went to Ceylon (Sri Lanka), Singapore and am now back in Saigon. If you are not happy with me because of my short stay, you first must blame it on my disciples since they are the ones who arranged this. It’s not the case that I don’t admit my own fault. I am just telling you the truth.
I am very delighted to meet and exchange opinions with all the great virtuous ones and wise spiritual friends. However, I must first explain why Dharma Master Zhao-Chen (Transcending Dust) said we three are the real monks. When he told me this, tears filled my eyes. Why? You say, “I didn’t see you shed tears!” It would be a horrible thing if I actually let you see me with tears. I don’t let you see my tears because all the teardrops flowed into my heart already.
Why did I shed tears? It’s because I feel that, as a monastic, I have not contributed to Buddhism or accomplished anything at all. In the past, when I was in Hong Kong and China, I always reprimanded myself, saying: “You are a useless person. You are not a disciple of Shakyamuni Buddha! If you are Shakyamuni Buddha’s disciple, why aren’t you able to maintain the Orthodox Dharma?” For this very reason, I feel deeply pained at heart. I am hurting because I cannot change the problems that people have created in Buddhism!
People have created a lot of problems in Buddhism. However, Buddhists themselves are not willing to reveal their own problems. It’s like a person who has a sore but does not wish it to be seen. He covers it and hides it. If others know that he has a sore, he may be regarded as sick and unhealthy. Consequently, he fears he will not be respected. But this is not the case. I feel that in Buddhism, people have talked about many principles that are not really correct, although the principles seem superficially correct at times. Ignorant people without any knowledge don’t really understand the true principles. As a result, certain customs have become a fashion. Since I have no power to rectify these issues, I feel very pained. In 1962, I felt that the dawn of Buddhism was arriving and that Buddhism should be spread to the West. Then I departed for the United States to teach Westerners.
However, don’t think that this is a glorious task. It is not easy to teach Westerners! I have always said: “Even though it’s hard to ascend to the heavens, it’s not really that difficult; teaching Westerners is the most difficult. Going down into the earth is hard, but it’s not that hard compared to teaching Westerners.” When one dies, it’s not hard to be resurrected. As long as you have spiritual powers, you can make someone rise from the dead. Teaching Westerners is harder. We can achieve anything that is difficult and challenging but it’s not easy to teach Westerners. It’s because their characters and personalities are totally opposite to that of Asians. If you tell them to do one thing, they will do another. If you tell them to go south, they will go north for sure. If you ask them to walk east, they will walk to the west. They are not compliant or obedient at all. If you tell them to change, they definitely will not do so.
Why? They say, “This is a free and democratic country. How can you tell me what to do?” The Teacher cannot discipline the disciples, but the disciples can dictate to the Teacher what to do. This is how Americans are. They are considered outstanding heroes if they beat up their own fathers or mothers. So, teaching and transforming Americans is not that easy.
If you teach them to eat only one meal a day, they will secretly eat something. You see they have this kind of talent. I taught them to eat only one meal; but when they got hungry, they went and bought milk to drink. However, they dared not come in through the door of Gold Mountain Monastery with the milk. They used a rope to haul the milk up to a window. Then everyone stealthily drank the milk. Right at that point, my door started strangely to act up. While they were drinking the milk, my door made this “bang” sound. Those who were drinking milk probably vomited what they were drinking. You see, this is how they are. So, they are not that easy to teach and transform.
This man, so and so, is not only difficult to teach him now as a monastic, but also it was not easy to teach him when he was a lay person. He was a sailor on an American submarine for five and a half years. He earned a lot of money. Whenever they were in port, he would go on a binge. Since he was a sailor, he wore his cap into a bar full of men and women; the whole place was really alive. He went in there, shut the door, stealthily lit Chinese firecrackers and hung the string of fireworks on the counter. The firecrackers started exploding. The windows and teacups shattered and even people were hurt. As a result, he violated the law and the military police came after him. He escaped out the door but ran into two military policemen who were taller and stronger than he was. He was sandwiched between them. How was he going to escape? This time, although he seems stupid, he was actually clever. He did a disappearing act. Do you know what a disappearing act is? He took off his cap and asked the two military policemen, “Do you know what this is?” The two policemen looked at the hat as he tossed it up in the air. They watched the cap in mid-air and wondered, “What treasure is this?” While the policemen were looking in the air, our sailor fled. As a layperson, he already had this kind of talent. So, as a left-home disciple, he was not an easy one to teach, either. If I did something, he would stare at me. Since he is much taller and bigger than the Teacher, it’s hard to discipline him. Nonetheless, he is much better now since he’s returned from his Three Steps One Bow pilgrimage.
To be continued
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