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回到奧斯汀的第一個星期天我挺累的。首先這回從北京來奧斯汀時間上一直還沒調整過來，加上白天有不少瑣事，晚上我很早就睡了。半夜起來上廁所，卻發現燈還是亮的。一看母親還坐在書房裡，做手勢要我小心。原來是母親想上廁所，但來不及，就弄髒了褲子和浴室。我沒有多想就開始擦洗。因怕母親跌跤，廁所裏也鋪了地毯，清洗較不容易。等我收拾得差不多了，就回床休息。沒想到百感交集，無法入眠。
母親自小就是一個好強、獨立，又喜歡乾淨的人。六十出頭來美才學開車，就是為了生活上可以少依賴兒女。一直到88歲才停止。即使是兩年前，她也還常到院子裏走走弄弄。但自今年初摔了兩跤後，身體已大不如前了。母親現在有時連上廁所都需要別人來幫她清理，我不能想像她心裏此刻的感受。我想起了一本喜歡的書──《和莫里在一起的星期二》。這是一個真人真事，莫里是一位大學教授，在他晚年和他一個早期很親近的學生再度重逢，而他們常在星期二碰面。每次莫里都會把他對人生的領悟和這學生分享。莫里曾非常熱愛跳舞，但他後來卻得了肌肉萎縮的病，這病使得他逐漸喪失了許多身體的功能，到後期他幾乎完全不能自理自己的生活。有一個星期二莫里和學生分享生命裏「放下」的意義和那困難的過程，從一個能歌善舞，熱情奔放的人到臉上有東西都得請別人幫忙抹掉，莫里在病痛的侵蝕下，日復一日的學習放下，一直到坦然的接納生命。母親身體也一直是相當健壯的，記得她84歲時還在談笑間與我們一起攀登長城。此刻她也有許多的感慨吧。由此我也想到了自己對許多事情的執著和難以放下。
我從小很少清理廁所，在心理上我也一直很排斥這種工作，覺得那是骯髒和低下的事。我雖在敬老院已服務了十年，但我幾乎從沒有替老人做過什麼清理廁所的活兒。前些年我曾特意去了臺灣一個靜修營當義工，那裡沒人認識我，那次剛好分配我掃廁所。我努力地做了我該做的，但我並沒能從心裡做進去，我走時還挺高興不用再掃廁所了。可是那天晚上在母親的廁所裏卻有了不同的感覺，在回到床上後這感受更強烈了。我才明白，這次在我為母親清理的時候，有一些愛溶入了我擦洗的動作中，我心裏真的是很高興做這件事情。我想告訴母親內心的感受，但又有些猶豫。我又躺了一會兒，還是決定去告訴母親。
當我終於起身來到母親房屋時，她已經熄燈了。但我能感到她還沒睡，而且她正在看著我。我走近母親的床，抱住她孱弱的身體，跟她說：「我很高興能為媽媽清理。」母親先是說：「謝謝。」接著她又用挺大的聲音說：「二哥也是，二姐也是，我為你們驕傲。」我回到自己的床上，淚水不斷在黑暗中流下我的臉頰。我當時有一種奇特的感覺，覺得自己活的很「深」，又覺得時間好像突然停止了。
我很幸運，自己雖已有許多白髮，卻仍然有母親在我的身旁。更幸運的是這些和母親在一起的日子裏，我們不僅在一起體驗花開花落，分享生命的豐盛，也讓我有機會活在愛的教導裏。
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I was quite exhausted on the first Sunday after returning to Austin from Beijing. It was because I was unable to adjust to the time in Austin. Additionally, I had a lot of things to take care of in the daytime. Thus I slept early in the evening. At midnight, when I got up and went to restroom, I found that the light was still on. My mother was sitting in the study room. She gestured that I should be careful as she could not make it to the restroom when she needed to go, and her pants and the restroom were all dirty. I didn’t think much of it and started cleaning the restroom. Because we worried that mom might fall down, our restroom was all carpeted, so it was not easy to clean. After I finished cleaning, I went back to bed. But I was not able to fall asleep because there were so many things running through my mind.
My mother has been a strong and independent woman ever since she was a child; and she was tidy and clean. She only learned how to drive when she came to United States in her early 60s, because she wanted to be less dependent on her children. She stopped driving at the age of 88. Two years ago, she often walked and did work in the garden. But after falling twice early this year, her health has not been the same. Now she at times even needs help cleaning herself after going to the restroom. I cannot imagine how she feels at this point. I recall a favorite book of mine –
Tuesdays with Morrie. This is a true story. Morrie was a professor in a university. In his waning years, he came into contact with one of his students who was close to him in the early years of his teaching. And they always met on Tuesday. Every time, Morrie would share with his student some of his experiences in life. Morrie was enthusiastic about dancing. But he later suffered from muscular dystrophy, which caused him to lose many of his bodily functions. In the final stage, he could barely take care of himself. One Tuesday, Morrie shared with his student the meaning of “letting go” in life and the difficulty of the process, started from a person who could really sing and dance, and person that was warm and carefree, to becoming a person who even needed help washing his face. While suffering from illness, Morrie learned how to let go everyday, until he was able to accept life as it is. My mother was healthy and strong all her life. I recall when she was 84, we went to the Great Wall, and she chatted with us joyfully while hiking up the Great Wall. Perhaps she is experiencing many mixed emotions. And I feel that I have also become attached to a lot of things and cannot let go.
Ever since I was little, I seldom had to clean the restroom. Mentally I always rejected this kind of chore. I felt that it was dirty and degrading. Although I have been working at a convalescent home for ten years, I have almost never had to clean their restrooms. Years ago I went to Taiwan to volunteer at a retreat. Nobody knew me there. It just so happened that I was assigned to sweep the restrooms. I worked hard in my assigned task, but I could not do it from my heart. When I left, I was glad that I did not need to sweep restrooms again. However the other night inside my mother’s restroom, I had a different kind of feeling. This feeling got stronger after I returned to my bedroom. I realized, this time when I was cleaning for my mother, that there was love in every move I made. I was truly happy to do the work. I wanted to tell my mother how I felt but I hesitated. After lying down for a short while, I decided to tell her.
When I finally got up and went to my mother’s room, her light was already off. But I could feel that she was still awake, and she was looking at me. I walked closer to her bed and hugged her weak body. I said to her, “I am very happy that I can clean for Mother.” My mother first said, “Thank you.” And then she said louder, “Your second brother said the same and so did your second sister. I am really proud of you.” I returned to my bedroom. In the dark, tears continued to run down my cheek. At that moment, I had a very strange feeling. I felt that I was living so “deep”, and also, time seemed to have stopped all of a sudden. I am very lucky. Although I have got a lot of gray hair already, my mother is still near me. I feel even luckier that during all these times that my mother and I spend together, not only are we experiencing flowers’ blooming and withering, we also share the prosperity of life. This has given me an opportunity to live within the teaching of love.
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