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七、控制你的情緒，而不讓情緒控制你──這很難，說比作容易得多！掌控情緒，意味著決定你如何感覺，並非意味你沒有感覺。卡蘿和我岳母開車時經常搞丟。她們對搞丟不但不生氣，反而把它當做探險和取笑它。她們把會惹氣的經驗轉成有趣。卡蘿和我旅行世界各地時，我們經常遇到令人挫折和生氣的經驗，我們把它們轉成探險與經驗來做笑談。這是我所謂的管理「掌控情緒」。
還有別個辦法可考慮。「吹曲快樂的口哨」是首很棒的老歌，來自音樂片「國王與我」；它對如何掌控情緒，提供了良方。歌詞如下：
當我害怕時，我昂起頭，
吹曲快樂的口哨，沒有人懷疑我害怕。
當我雙腿發抖，我擺出蠻不在乎的樣子，
吹曲快樂的口哨，從沒有人知我害怕。
這欺瞞的結果怪不可言，因為
愚弄了我害怕的人，
同時也愚弄了我自己。
我吹曲快樂的口哨，曲調中的歡樂
每一次都說服我：我可不害怕。
想像你勇敢，這妙訣會帶你走得更長遠。
也許你就如自己所想的那麼勇敢。
也許你就如自己所想的那麼勇敢。
八、確定認對和諧──取得一些 (getting a piece) 和創造和諧 (making peace) 大不相同。在你個人、社會、事業生涯中，會遇到許多談判的機會；事實上，每件事都與交涉有關，學習談判是很重要的技術。
幹練的前以色列總理以茲哈‧拉賓觀測到：你要與你的敵人（對方）和解。南非總統拿森‧曼德拉說：「若想要與你的敵人和解，你必需與敵人共事，然後他就會變成你的伙伴。」
我跟一位前美國國務院主管學習談判，他曾參與談判最微妙國際事件的解決方案。他教我：認真的談判，從了解你自己的需求及對方的需求開始。我必需說明，「立場」與「需求」之間，有很大的不同。立場是一方或他方如何定企劃來滿足自己的需求。當立場不相容時，並不表示滿足潛在的需求是無法獲得的。也許有許多其它可以滿足需求的管道，那些管道也可以消除衝突。因此要拋開立場，專注於需求。一旦雙方了解自己的需求與對手的需求，並且全體都認知這些需求時，那就是認定哪些需求該協商與同意的時機了。到了這一步驟時，把不須雙方認同的項目剔除談判桌；下一步，開始進行認同最容易的事項，並順此途徑到比較困難的事項。專注於你的目標！主題是創造和諧，而非取得一些；有些情況，每一方都得退讓一點點──這通常表示再定義需求。
九、真正的快樂，來自於使別人快樂。要開心分享──收集或收受他人或東西，絕無法體會真正的快樂；真正的快樂以及真實的成就感，來自給予。我剛剛提過我是ShipCom最大的股東。我約在五年前買了這公司。直到今天，這家公司還沒有哪個月賺錢；每個月我的家庭要匯錢去ShipCom來付薪水與費用。而且每個月我們的股東在ShipCom工作也是不支薪的。
任何有理性的商人會問：「為什麼我們要做這種事？」我沒有精明生意人的答案，可是我知道我們為什麼要這麼做。首先，我們相信我們在做值得做的事。我們拯救生命，提供所需的緊急與通訊服務；如果我們不做，沒有人會做。同時，我們相信：做好事終究對我們會好。因為我們持續這種經營，我們才能夠協助海岸保衛隊救了33,000條生命。想想這感覺有多好！
正因為我們持續經營，我們才能夠解決聯運性的問題；這有可能是我們的主要生意，而且是本國安全的一種重要解決方式。前兩個月裏，我們接到三個生意機會，可以使ShipCom大大轉虧為盈；如果我們沒持續經營，這一切都不會發生。所以說，在我們做生意賺錢的同時，還有比我們的家庭、伙伴更重要的其他報酬──至少這是我們為別人的安全與幸福所奉獻的知識。
十、學習從別人的經驗學習──威爾‧羅傑斯是1900年代早期非常有名的演藝界人士。他分辨人有三種，以及他們如何學習。根據羅傑斯所言，「...少數人可以從閱讀學習，少數人可以從觀察學習，大多數人卻一定要親身去嘗試錯誤。」
學習從閱讀和他人的經驗中學習。這可以減少你一些錯誤的後果，甚至幫助你避免一些嚴重錯誤；但是別弄錯了，你一定會犯錯的，而且是很多錯。所以當你第一次嘗試錯誤時，要從中學習，那麼你就不用再經歷一遍；當然，下一次的錯誤會有所粉飾，讓你不容易認出來。要習慣生命中充滿了驚奇，而那並非都是可喜的；但是它們都有可學習的課題，使你成為較好的人，也使你生命更有意義。
十一、幽默是潤滑劑──幽默可以在任何情況下化解緊張於一瞬間。漢尼‧楊門是個老得你們都不會認識的有名喜劇演員，他是我的好朋友。漢尼和我打算在座落於55 街與美利堅大道，離他家的幾個街口的一家卡內基便餐館吃午餐。我從我住的旅館穿過街到他的公寓，去接他出來吃午飯。踏入公寓時，我注意到漢尼的妻子莎蒂坐在客廳遠遠的一角看電視，她剛從她姊妹的葬禮回來，正悲傷地沉默著。莎蒂看到我進來，對我點點頭，我也對她點點頭，我們互相無聲的招呼。漢尼在穿外套，沒見到我和莎蒂互相致意；他注意到餐桌上有張帳單，問莎蒂付了沒有。「沒有！」她回答。那時漢尼有點生氣，開始爭吵付帳單的事。他接著說：「此外，鮑伯進來時，你對他沒禮貌！」「我沒有對鮑伯沒禮貌！」莎蒂回答。「你對鮑伯沒禮貌！」漢尼回嘴。「我沒有對鮑伯沒禮貌！」莎蒂回答。漢尼反駁：「我說你對鮑伯沒禮貌，你說你沒有對鮑伯沒禮貌。你要相信誰？你？還是我？」大笑結束了這場爭執。
開懷笑也是種藥。確實有科學的證據顯示，快樂的人是比較健康的人，而開懷笑是良藥。醫學研究指出：開懷笑，提高 endorphins （體內天然止痛劑）的含量，並壓抑腎上腺素（緊張賀爾蒙）的含量。諾曼‧卡森斯的〈疾病解剖〉書中談到，看喜劇片如何幫他從預計會致命的疾病中復原。這本書開啟了幽默對肉體健康效果的科學研究，是普遍被肯定的。
研究顯示，開懷笑對免疫系統產生明顯裨益身心的效果。開心的笑也顯示，經由加快與減緩心跳和血壓，使心血管系統運動；它改進大腦功能的協調，因而增進警覺與記憶、解除沮喪、減低壓力、使疼痛緩和、幫助通氣而清除呼吸系統中的黏液、帶入新鮮空氣以增進血中氧氣，並利用笑的一鬆一緊來加強體內肌肉。一位醫生說，20秒的大笑給心臟的運動量，相等於3分鐘的用力伐舟。
因此，為保持你的人際關係和身體都健康快樂，確定要每天分享大量的幽默之助喔！
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7. Take control of your emotions instead of letting your emotions take control you: This is a tough one. It is much easier to say than to do. Managing your emotions means deciding how you feel. It doesn’t mean you have no feelings. Carol and my mother-in-law used to get lost driving the car. Instead of getting upset about getting lost, they turned it into a sort of adventure and laughed about it. They turned what could have been an aggravating experience into a fun one. When Carol and I travel around the world we often run into experiences that could be frustrating and irritating. We turn them into adventures and experiences to laugh about. That’s what I mean about managing you emotions.
Here’s another way to think about it. Whistle a happy tune is a wonderful old song from the musical play The King and I. It provides good insight on how to manage your emotions. Here are the lyrics:
Whenever I feel afraid I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune so no one will suspect I’m afraid.
While shivering in my shoes I strike a careless pose and whistle a happy tune and no one ever knows I’m afraid.
The result of this deception is very strange to tell for when I fool the people I fear I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune and every single time the happiness in the tune convinces me that I’m not afraid.
Make believe you’re brave and the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave as you make believe you are
You may be as brave as you make believe you are.
8. Be sure to spell peace right: There’s a big difference between getting a piece and making peace. Throughout your personal, social and business lives you will encounter many opportunities to negotiate. Actually, almost everything is subject to negotiation. Learning to negotiate is an important skill.
Yitzhak Rabin, a brilliant former Prime Minister of Israel observed, that you make peace with your enemy (the other side(s)). Nelson Mandela, President of South Africa said “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”
I learned about negotiation from a former US State Department executive that was involved in negotiating solutions to the most delicate international matters. He taught me that serious negotiation starts with understanding your own needs and the needs of the other parties. I must note that here is a big difference between “positions” and “needs”. Positions are how one side or another proposes to satisfy a need of theirs. When positions are incompatible, it does not mean that satisfying the underlying need is unattainable. There may be many other approaches to satisfying the need that will also eliminate the conflict. So get rid of positions and focus on needs. Once the parties understand both their own needs and the needs of their adversaries and the needs are acknowledged by all the parties, it is time to define what needs to be negotiated and agreed upon. Once that is done, take the issues that do not require agreement off the table. Next, begin working out agreements on the easiest issues and progress along a path to the more difficult ones. Keep your eye on the ball. The object is to create peace not to get a piece. On some matters each side will have to give a bit. That usually means redefining needs.
9. True happiness comes from contributing to other people’s happiness. Be happy to share: You will never experience true happiness by collecting or receiving people or things. True happiness and a genuine sense of fulfillment come from giving.
Earlier, I told you about ShipCom a company in which I am the largest shareholder. I bought the company almost 5-years ago. To this day, the company has not had a profitable month. Every month our family sends money to ShipCom to pay salaries and expenses. And every month our partner works at ShipCom without a salary.
Any reasonable business person would ask, “Why would we do such a thing?” I don’t have a good businessman’s answer, but I do know why we do it. First, we believe that we are doing something worth doing. We save lives, provide a needed emergency and communication service and there would be no one to do it if we quit. Also, we believe that doing the right thing will turn out to be good for us. Because we kept this business going we were able to help the Coast Guard save 33,000 lives. Guess how good that feels.
Because we’ve stayed in business, we were also able to solve the Interoperability problem which may be a major business for us and an important solution for homeland security. And in the past 2-months we have been presented with 3 more business opportunities that could turn ShipCom into a very profitable company. None of that would have happened if we were not there. So, while we are in business to make money, there are other compensations even more important to our family and our partner, not the least of which is the knowledge that we contribute to the safety and happiness of others.
10. Learn to learn for the experience of others. Will Rogers was a very famous entertainer of the early 1900s. He identified three kinds of people and how they learn. According to Rogers there are a few people who, “… can learn by reading, a few who can learn by observation and the vast majority who just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
Learn to learn from reading and from the experience of others. That will reduce the effects of some of your mistakes and will even help you avoid some serious mistakes. But make no mistake about it; you will make mistakes, plenty of them. So when you pee on the electric fence the first time, learn from it so you don’t have to experience it again. Of course the next electric fence will be camouflaged so it is not easy to recognize. Get used to the idea that life is full of surprises and not all of them are pleasant but all of them have lessons you can learn to make you a better person and your life more meaningful.
11. Humor is a lubricant: Humor can take the stress out of any situation in the blink of an eye. Henny Youngman, a famous comedian too old for any of you to know, was a dear friend of mine. Henny and I were to have lunch at the Carnegie delicatessen only a few blocks from Henny’s home at 55th and the Avenue of the Americas. I walked to Henny’s apartment, across the street of my hotel to pick him up for lunch. As I stepped into the apartment I noticed that Henny’s wife, Sadie, was seated in the far corner of the living room watching TV. She had just returned from her sister’s funeral and was sadly quite. When Sadie saw me enter the room she nodded to me and I nodded back, a silent hello. Henny was putting on his coat and did not see Sadie and I welcome each other. He noticed a check on the dining area table and asked Sadie if she had paid a bill. “No”, she said. At that Henny got irritated and began to argue about paying the bills. Then he said, “and besides that, you were rude to Bob when he came in”. “I wasn’t rude to Bob”, Sadie said. “You were rude to Bob”, Henny responded. “No I wasn’t rude to Bob”, Sadie replied. Henny came back with “I say you were rude to Bob and you say you weren’t rude to Bob. Who are you going to believe, you or me?” Laughter ended the argument.
Laughter is also medicine. There is definite scientific evidence that happy people are healthier people and that laughter itself is a cure.
Medical studies indicate that laughter boosts levels of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, and suppresses levels of epinephrine, the stress hormone. Norman Cousins, whose book Anatomy of an Illness tells how watching comedic movies helped him recover from an illness that was predicted to be fatal. The book is generally credited with starting the scientific study of the effect of humor on physical wellness.
Studies have shown that laughter produces significant beneficial physiological effects on the immune system. A good laugh has also been shown to exercise the cardiovascular system by raising and lowering the heart rate and blood pressure; improve coordination of brain functions, thereby enhancing alertness and memory; lift depression; reduce stress; bring pain relief; aid ventilation and clear mucus in the respiratory system; increase blood oxygen by bringing in fresh air; and strengthen internal muscles by tightening and releasing them. One doctor says that 20 seconds of guffawing gives the heart the same workout as three minutes of hard rowing.
So to keep both your relationships and your body healthy and happy, be sure to share a large helping of humor every day.
前排左陳嘉凡、右何心安（四位培德女高應屆畢業生）
後排左起朱雲帆、羅勃‧布拉克夫婦、陳清波(聖城義務醫師)、陳慧龍 |
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(standing, from left to right) Nancy Chu, Robert & Carol Block, Chinpo Chen (volunteer doctor), Tara Kandahsari, Yvonne Chen & Julia Ha (1st row) |
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