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【與父親相處的最後三年】
2003年二月中，得了感冒後，父親身體狀況逐漸走下坡；但他仍是一如往昔，做他固定的功課，並且打坐時間也加長了。每當他憶起其已逝的親友，他就會端坐念佛，迴向給他們。曾多次無意間，看到父親端坐念佛時，莊嚴又專注的神情；這使我對念佛法門，產生無比的信心。
同年六月，他與其家庭醫生長談，父親以平靜的口吻與醫生討論他的後事，並簽署緊急狀況發生時，不急救的文件；令隨侍在旁的我與家庭醫生，對父親的鎮定與理智由衷敬佩。同年七月，父親聚集我們兄弟姐妹五人，和我們提及他的後事；他希望自己能夠平靜的往生，只要子女能隨侍在旁念佛就行了，不須要太麻煩別人等等事宜。
當時聽到父親對子女的自我告白之後，我雖然極力掩飾那份泫然而泣的心情；但是哀傷的神情，仍被父親一眼看穿。他及時的安慰，並開導我說：「人生百歲，總有走的時候。你自己要堅強，凡事要鎮定，將身體鍛練好，如此才能修行。我到西方極樂世界，定能幫得到你！凡是與我有緣的親友，不論他們信不信佛，我都會幫他們的！」
當時有位佛友因病住院開刀，出院後忍著病痛，打電話給父親，向其傾訴她身心的痛苦與憂慮，並下定決心要專心念佛。父親安慰她，並鼓勵她一心念佛，不要理會身體的病痛，放下心中的煩惱，練習將佛號緊緊的咬住不放；如此，當大限來時，才能夠不受影響。當父親放下電話後，嘆聲道：「看這情形，她可能捱不過今年冬天了！我勸她要用盡全力念佛！」這位佛友果然如父親所預言的，比父親早走兩週左右！西元2003年八月初，父親寫下一首「做人做事」，與念佛會的佛友們共勉：
靠山山要倒 靠人人要老
能學要學好 能做要做到
自立自強最好 自助助人最妙
西元2003年中秋節當日，由父親口述，要我為他寫下懺悔發願文：
「願我魏可正累劫的冤親債主，能夠饒恕我往昔有意或無心所犯下的過錯；懇請您們現階段不要障礙我修行，讓我如願往生西方淨土，證得無生法忍，即刻乘願再來娑婆世界，首先度你們離苦得樂。並發願度盡無邊的眾生，以滿菩提大願，以回報佛恩及師恩！」
父親將此文置放佛桌上，他禮拜佛菩薩之後，囑咐我焚燒掉。
自西元2003年9月19日，至第二年1月23日往生這段期間，父親一直是臥病在床，生活起居需要旁人照顧；我們兄弟姐妹四人分為兩班，傾全力的不分晝夜輪流照顧他，以回報父親幾十年來，一直守護著我們的恩德於萬一。
臥病期間的前三個月，他仍堅持坐起身來打坐，並要我們扶他到佛堂上香拜佛，並將一幅他經常觀想的阿彌陀佛像，掛在他的房間，他有空就念佛或觀想念佛。只要他體力允許，我與妹妹就會陪他聊聊天，而他總是對其病痛處之泰然，未曾聽他抱怨過。
他每天早上念佛，迴向給他認識的親友與佛友，下午及晚上，則是自己用功修行的時間。他並告訴我：「我常祈求觀世音菩薩，讓我今生就能了卻無始劫以來所有的業障；即使有病痛，我也甘心接受，只要能夠往生西方淨土，今生就無悔了！」
有時在房間陪侍他，為了讓他開心，盡量找些輕鬆的話題，但是他似乎充耳不聞。有時問他：「爸！您不是常教我們要開心過日子嘛？您是不是那裡不舒服、不開心呢？」他就答道：「我死都不怕了，還怕哪裡不舒服？不是開心，而是要專心！」原來他全心全意都在那句佛號上。
有時趁他精神較好的時候，就與他聊些有關念佛法門的理論與方法。曾請教他觀想念佛的方法，他十分詳細的告訴我觀想的次序與方法；並說：「只要專心觀想阿彌陀佛眉間的白毫，功夫純熟時，自然就能觀到阿彌陀佛的全身，當然這是須要禪定功夫的。」
偶而他會突然面帶微笑，眼睛凝視遠方，然後現出莊嚴，肅穆虔誠的表情，似乎進入一個旁人無法理解、也無法闖入的境界；每當此時，我即悄悄的退出房間，不打擾他。
十一月十一日，是先母的往生三週年紀念日；我們不想令父親難過，大夥兒都避而不談。可是當天中午，他卻要我們扶他到佛堂拜佛；事後他語帶哽咽的告訴我，他祈求先母保佑我們平安無事。爸偶而也會有心情起伏不定的時候，但是最多不超過五分鐘，他又提起佛號，專心念佛。
待續
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The last three years living with my father
In February of 2003, after my father caught a cold, his health condition gradually deteriorated. Yet, he still kept up with his regular practice as usual. He even extended his sitting meditation period. Whenever he recalled his relatives or friends who had already passed away, he would sit up to recite the Buddha’s name, and dedicate the merit to them. Many times, I accidentally saw my father sitting up reciting the Buddha’s name. His solemn and concentrated expression inspired in me utmost faith in the practice of mindfulness of the Buddha.
In June of the same year, he had a lengthy conversation with his family doctor. With a tranquil tone, my father discussed his funeral affairs with the doctor, and signed an agreement stipulating that no emergency treatments were to be given under any critical circumstances. Both the family doctor and I who was attending my father by his side genuinely admired him for his composure and rationality. In July of the same year, my father gathered five of us, my siblings and I, to bring up the subject regarding his funeral affairs. He hoped that he could leave the world peacefully without troubling others; so long as his children could recite the Buddha’s name by his side, it would be sufficient.
When I heard my father’s statement to us, I was grief-stricken; my tears were about to trickle down. I tried to conceal my emotion, but my father saw it through. He immediately comforted me, saying, “Even if one lives to be a hundred, there will still be a time when he has to go. You must be strong and calm when dealing with all matters. Exercise your body, and you will be able to cultivate the spiritual path. After I reach the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss, I definitely will be able to help you! All my relatives and friends—whether they believe in the Buddha—I definitely will help them!”
At that time, one of his Buddhist friends was hospitalized and underwent an operation due to an illness. After she left the hospital she endured her pain to make a phone call to my father, pouring out all her physical and mental agonies and worries. My father comforted her, and motivated her to recite the Buddha’s name wholeheartedly. He encouraged her to ignore her illness and physical pain, to let go of the afflictions in her mind, and to practice holding the Buddha’s name perseveringly. In this way, when the last moment came, she would not be affected. After my father hung up, he sighed, saying, “Given the situation, she might not be able to endure the winter this year! I urged her to recite the Buddha’s name with all her might!” As predicted by my father, she passed away approximately two weeks earlier than my father!
At the beginning of August in 2003, my father wrote down a poem on “Conducting Oneself and Handling Matters” to motivate his fellow Buddhist practitioners in the Buddha Recitation Society:
To rely on the mountain—the mountain might collapse;
To rely on a person—the person will grow old.
If one is able to learn something one must learn it well;
If one is able to do something one must do it to completion.
Being self-reliant and constantly improving oneself is the ideal;
Helping oneself and helping others is the most wonderful.
On the Mid-autumn Day of 2003, my father dictated his repentance and vows to me, and requested me to write them down:
“I, Kezheng Wei, wish that all beings in whom I have incurred enmity and my creditors from the accumulated past, would forgive all the mistakes I’ve made in the past, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I earnestly beseech you to not obstruct my spiritual cultivation at this present stage, to allow me to be reborn in the Western Pure Land and attain the “patience of non-production of dharmas” as I wish. Subsequently, I will immediately return to the Saha World, and first take you across to the Other Shore, so that you will leave suffering and attain bliss. I also vow to take across all the numberless living beings in order to fulfill my great Bodhi vow and repay the kindness of the Buddhas and my teachers!”
My father placed this piece of writing on the Buddhist altar, bowed to the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, and asked me to burn it.
From September 19, 2003 to January 23 of the following year, my father was confined to his bed at all times, and needed someone to take care of his needs in the daily life. Three of my siblings and I divided ourselves into two groups, and took turns to look after him day and night with all our might. We were trying to repay one ten-thousandth of the deep kindness of our father, who had been constantly caring for and protecting us for the past few decades.
In the first three months when he was laid up, he insisted to sit up to meditate. He asked us to support him to go to the Buddha Hall, to offer incense and make obeisance to the Buddha. He also hung on the wall of his room an image of Amitabha Buddha that he regularly contemplated. Whenever he had time he would recite the Buddha’s name or practice mindfulness of the Buddha by contemplation. So long as his physical strength allowed, my younger sister and I would accompany and chat with him. He always remained calm, indifferent to his physical pain. I had never heard him complain about his pain.
He recited the Buddha’s name every morning, and dedicated the merit to all his relatives and friends. Afternoons and evenings were the time when he vigorously practiced. He told me, “I always pray to Guan Shi Yin Bodhisattva, beseeching him to enable me to, in this very life, end all my karmic obstructions accumulated from all the past kalpas since time immemorial. Even though I have illnesses and pain, I am willing to accept them. So long as I am able to be reborn in the Western Pure Land, I would have no regrets in this life!”
While attending to him in his room, sometimes I would try to find some light topics to cheer him up. But he seemed to be turning a deaf ear to those topics. Sometimes I asked him, “Dad! Haven’t you always taught us to live happily? Are you feeling not well or unhappy about something?” He replied, “I don’t even fear death, let alone discomfort! It is not the matter of whether I am happy, but whether I could concentrate!” So it turned out that he was actually reciting the Buddha’s name wholeheartedly.
Sometimes when he was in better spirits, I would take the opportunity to discuss with him some theories and methods in the practice of mindfulness of the Buddha. I once consulted him on the method of mindfulness of the Buddha by contemplation. He told me in great details the order and method in contemplation. He said, “You only have to single-mindedly contemplate the white brow in between the eyebrows of Amitabha Buddha. After your skill is mature, you would naturally be able to contemplate the entire body of Amitabha Buddha. Of course this requires the skill of Dhyana.”
Occasionally he would gaze into the distance, smiling. Then he would appear solemn, reverent and sincere, as if he had entered a realm that no one could comprehend or intrude. At this time, I would leave the room quietly and not disturb him.
November 11 was the 3rd anniversary of my mother’s departure. On that day, all of us evaded the subject regarding her passing so that our father would not feel grief. At noon of that day, he wanted us to support him to go to the Buddha Hall to bow to the Buddhas. Afterwards, he told us, choking with sobs, that he prayed to our deceased mother to bless and protect us so that all of us would be safe and well. There were times when his emotions fluctuated; but within at most five minutes, he would again pick up his practice, and single-mindedly recite the Buddha’s name.
To be continued
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