|
【與父親相處的最後三年】
母親的突然離世，使我傷痛不已，常有「樹欲靜而風不止，子欲養而親不待」的遺憾。當父親察覺到我的情緒失控時，就常常安慰我，並說：「妳母親都到了西方極樂世界，有什麼好難過的？你應該高興才對！」然後他教我如何專心念佛。或許受了父親的影響，念佛時雜念漸少，於是喪母之痛，隨著一句句的佛號，慢慢消失，心情也逐漸恢復平靜。
在母親往生百日之後，無意間發現，父親經常形單影隻的靜坐屋中一隅，一言不發的看書或沉思；才警覺到父親已是風燭殘年的老人了，而喪偶對其打擊也不小。我下定決心要盡心力照顧他，為了寬慰其心，想盡辦法投其所好；知道他專修念佛法門，不喜談俗事，這迫使我翻閱佛書或經典，找些話題與他聊，或是請教他──那是我真正接觸「念佛法門」的開始。
 在母親捨報往生半年之後，有一天，父親突然將其擬好的遺囑交給我保管，並叫我不要緊張，說他三年以後才會走。當時乍聽之下，心生難捨之情；但在父親的開導與安撫下，強迫自己將親情與塵緣看淡。深知父親喜歡修行，我理應成全他修行的願望，不應障礙他；於是經常在佛堂，祈求觀世音菩薩賜給我勇氣與智慧，放下親情的束縛，即使無能力協助他成就道業，也不要障礙他修行。與父親朝夕相處的三年中，使我親眼目睹與親身體悟到他精進修行的決心與毅力。
父親於西元2001年底 八十歲生日時寫下一首「八十有感」的感言，字裡行間，透露出父親對往生西方淨土的強烈意願與決心。
今年已是八十初，妄想無邊奈若何。
既然禪空難見性，即以聖號大力除。
愛根難拔慧刀鋤，不讓此生又空過。
自西元2001年至2003年, 父親一如往昔，每天念佛，打坐，看經典，並參閱歷代高僧大德的修行過程，藉此吸取前人的經驗，並每月定期與佛友們分享打坐，念佛，讀經的心得，直至2003年五月身體不適才終止。
父親往生後，從其遺留下來的文稿中，翻閱到他在此階段自訂修行的方法與目標如下：
一，每天按時上座，並以平常心入座；不急不緩，從容持咒與念佛，不求開悟、不求神通。下座觀照，將坐中定靜的功夫，運用於日常生活行住坐臥中，綿綿密密，觀照一切無住，不被境界所轉，境界來時，心不動，好不喜、壞不厭，不迎不拒，此乃「真隨順」！
二，以「持名念佛」為主，務求心念耳聞，以達到深心念佛的目標。
心念耳聞，即是佛號從心裡念出來，耳朵聽得清清楚楚，才能攝住意根，不起妄念，而漸漸入定！
三，擴大心量。
凡事要寬宏大量，容納一切，無喜愛厭惡觀念；隨緣隨分做一切善事，無患得患失之心，亦無毀譽成敗之念，這就是最大的神通！
四，養成「念起即覺」的習慣，以達到「念起不隨」的境界。
時常觀照自己的念頭，妄念來時，即能覺察，但一心念佛，藉以止住妄念紛飛的念頭；既不隨之流轉，也不要壓制它。只要不理睬它，提起一心念佛，妄念自然化去，安然入定；若能「念起不隨」，就能於生死中做主，不為業牽，得大自在。
五，願能除盡「微細流住」。
微細流住是在八識田中流動，平時看不見、也摸不著；務須深入定中除盡，方可顯現本來真心。
父親還自我期許：「願絲毫不懈的精進修行，打開本來面目，親證佛性，圓證菩提，得大成就！」但在其遺稿中，父親也道出了他的遺憾。他自認智淺力微，雖竭盡心力， 仍未能達到盡妙臻極的境界。（或許是此一憾事，促成了父親於西元2003年中秋節前夕，立下發菩提宏願的決心。）
父親在世的最後三年，與我相處時間最長；每當我為了世俗的人事氣憤不平時，我就會一五一十的向他傾訴。而他仔細聽完後，就會心平氣和的告訴我：「世間的一切人事物，就像鏡花水月，過去了就算了，千萬不要放在心裡，否則妳就上當了，若是仍是不甘心，不妨念佛，用佛號將煩惱掃除！」
他也常告誡我：「修行就是修心，將心修得清淨無染時，念佛才有效的。心量要放大，人之所以生在此娑婆世界，就是因為有習氣毛病，人性的弱點是在所難免；我們學佛修行，就是要去除自己的習氣毛病，知曉人性弱點。對於別人的過錯，要生憐憫心，千萬不要起嗔恨心或報復心，否則妳仍是與他們結緣，難有解脫之日。難道你要受他們的境界轉嗎？」又說：「藕益大師說過，『境緣無好醜，好醜起於心，愚人除境不除心，至人除心不除境，心既除矣，境豈實有？』」聽他一席話，使我頓時心開意解。
西元2002年夏天父親有疝氣的毛病，並令其疼痛不已，他為了不影響其修行打坐，迫不得已於同年八月到醫院動一小手術，返家休養。為了能就近照顧他，他才勉為其難的允許我早晚在其房間服侍他。每當晚間，他要起身如廁，他都忍痛硬撐著起身；而我深怕他跌倒，總是一有動靜就會驚醒。當他發現我醒來要扶他時，他就會安慰我說：「不要太緊張！妳去睡覺！我沒事的。」望著他步履蹣跚的走向洗手間，就心痛不已，仍是身不由己的起身，陪侍其側。
臥床靜養期間，他仍是念佛及靜坐，有時我會念段經文給他聽，然後他會將其對此經文的見解與我分享。同年十月，父親行動已無大礙，體力已經恢復，能夠外出散步，盤腿打坐，及拜佛等活動。
待續
|
|
[The last three years living with my father]
I was griefstricken by the sudden departure of my mother. Often, I regretted the fact that “the tree wishes to remain still, but the wind will not cease; the child wishes to care for her parent, but her parent did not wait for long.” When my father realized that my emotions were out of control, he comforted me, saying, “Your mother has gone to the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss, why are you grieving? You should only be happy!” He then taught me how to single-mindedly recite the Buddha’s name. Perhaps I was influenced by my father: when I recited the Buddha’s name, my distracting thoughts gradually decreased. Thereupon, with each recitation of the Buddha’s name, my pain of bereavement slowly faded away and my emotions gradually subsided.
About a hundred days after my mother passed away, I accidentally found out that my father often sat in a corner of the house alone, reading or contemplating in silence. Only then did I realize that my father was already in his declining years, just like a candle flickering in the wind. I also realized that his bereavement had stricken him hard. I resolved to take care of him to the best of my ability. In order to soothe him, I did everything possible to please him. Knowing that he concentrated on the practice of mindfulness of the Buddha and disliked discussing worldly affairs, I would glance through some Buddhist books or sutras in order to find some topics to discuss with him or consult him regarding certain issues of spiritual cultivation. That was the beginning of my actual exposure to the practice of mindfulness of the Buddha.
Half a year after my mother renounced her retribution body, one day my father suddenly handed me the will that he drew up and asked me to take care of it. He also told me not to be nervous, and that he would pass on only after three years. At that time, not expecting to hear him say this, I became emotional. I was reluctant to be separated from my father. With his guidance and comfort, however, I had to learn to see through the vanity of family love and worldly relationships. I deeply understood that my father liked to cultivate the spiritual path. Instead of obstructing him, I should fulfill his wish. Accordingly, I earnestly prayed to Guan Shi Yin Bodhisattva to give me courage and wisdom so that I would no longer be fettered by family love. Even if I could not help him accomplish his spiritual cultivation, I should not obstruct my father from walking on the spiritual path. In the three years that I lived with my father, I experienced firsthand his determination and perseverance to cultivate the spiritual path vigorously.
At the end of 2001, on his 80th birthday, my father wrote down some verses expressing his feelings. His firm vow and determination to be reborn in the Western Pure Land were revealed in between the lines:
This year is already the beginning of the 80th year.
Wandering thoughts are boundless, yet what can one do?
To see the self-nature as being empty by means of Dhyana is difficult
I should then extinguish them by means of the holy name
To pull out the root of love is difficult, yet the sword of wisdom could uproot it
I would never let this life pass in vain again.
From 2001 to 2003, just like in the past, my father daily recited the Buddha’s name, sat in meditation and read sutras. He also read the writings of eminent monks and cultivators of past generations on the process of spiritual cultivation in order to learn from their experience. Each month, he regularly shared his experience from sitting in meditation, reciting the Buddha’s name and reading sutras with his fellow Buddhist practitioners. This sharing of experience was discontinued when he started feeling ill in May 2003.
After my father passed away, in his posthumous manuscript, I came across the method and goal in spiritual cultivation that he set for himself at this stage of his life:
1. Everyday, sit down and get ready for the daily practice on time with a calm mind. Recite mantras and the Buddha’s name calmly,neither too fast nor too slow, without seeking enlightenment or spiritual power. When leaving the seat, apply the skill of sitting meditation to walking, standing, sitting and lying down in daily life. Continuously contemplate that nothing is permanent, and do not be affected by external circumstances. When certain conditions arise, remain unmoved in mind. Feel neither fondness for favorable conditions, nor aversion to unfavorable ones. Neither welcoming nor rejecting them is to “truly accord with conditions”!
2. Practice mindfulness of the Buddha primarily by means of reciting the Buddha’s name. Be sure to recite mindfully and listen attentively in order to obtain mindfulness of the Buddha from the bottom of one’s heart. To recite mindfully and listen attentively means to recite the Buddha’s name from one’s heart, and to listen with one’s ears clearly and distinctly. Only then could one gather in the mind without giving rise to wandering thoughts, and gradually enter samadhi.
3. Expand one’s mind. Be magnanimous and tolerate everything without the conception of liking or loathing. In accordance with the circumstances and one’s ability, do all good. Do not be swayed by considerations of personal gain and loss, slander, praise, success or failure. This is the greatest spiritual power!
4. Get into the habit of “recognizing the thought as it arises”, so that one will achieve the state of “not pursuing the thought as it arises”. Constantly contemplate one’s own thoughts. When distracting thoughts arise, immediately recognize them. Yet be mindful of the Buddha wholeheartedly, so as to curb one’s wandering thoughts. Do not be affected by them and do not suppress them. Simply ignore them, and focus on being mindful of the Buddha. Those wandering thoughts will naturally subside and one will enter samadhi with ease. If we do not pursue our thoughts as they arise, we will have the full control over our birth and death. We will not be rendered helpless by karma, and ultimately we will be free and at ease.
5. Vow to eliminate all “subtle flows” in the field of our eighth consciousness. Usually they are both imperceptible and intangible. One must enter deep samadhi to completely eliminate them and thus reveal one’s fundamental true mind.
My father further made a vow: “I vow to practice vigorously without ever slacking off, so as to uncover my original appearance (Buddha nature), personally attest to the Buddha nature, perfectly attain Bodhi, and achieve great success!” Yet, in his posthumous manuscript, my father also expressed his regret. He considered himself as one with shallow wisdom and limited ability. Despite his utmost mental efforts, he was still unable to attain the state of supreme wonder. (Perhaps it was this regret that motivated my father to make a firm resolve aspiring to Bodhi on the eve of Mid-autumn Festival in 2003.)
During my father’s last three years in the world, he spent the most time with me. Whenever I felt indignant over worldly affairs, I would pour out all my frustrations in detail to him. After he listened carefully, he would tell me calmly, “Everything in the world is like flowers in a mirror and the moon’s reflection in water—it is illusory. When it is over, just let it go. Mind it not, or else you will be deceived. If you are still unable to deal with it, then you might as well recite the Buddha’s name, and use the Buddha’s name to sweep away all your afflictions.
He often advised me, “Spiritual cultivation is simply to cultivate your mind. Only when you’ve cultivated your mind to the point that it is pure and free of defilement, can you recite the Buddha’s name effectively. You must expand your mind. Human beings are born in the Saha World because of their bad habits and shortcomings. Weaknesses in human nature are inevitable; we study Buddhism and cultivate spiritually in order to understand the weaknesses in human nature, and to get rid of our bad habits and shortcomings. You must be sympathetic to others’ faults and never give rise to hatred or a vindictive mind. Otherwise, you will still form ties of enmity with them, from which you would have difficulties extricating yourself in the future. Surely you don’t want to be turned by the states they incurred, or do you?” He further said, “Great Master Ou Yi once said, ‘External conditions and states are neither favorable nor unfavorable; such discriminations actually arise from our mind. The fool gets rid of the external states instead of his [discriminating] mind; whereas the wise person gets rid of his [discriminating] mind instead of the external states. Once the mind is subdued, how can states actually exist?” After listening to him, I immediately felt relieved and comforted.
During the summer of 2002, my father got a hernia and suffered extreme pain. In order for his practice and meditation to not be affected, he underwent a minor surgery in the hospital in August, and returned home to recuperate. He reluctantly allowed me to attend to him in his room day and night. At night, when he wanted to get up to go to the bathroom, he would endure great pain, and supported himself to get up with great difficulty. Fearing that he would stumble, I would wake up with a start to the slightest stir. When he saw that I had woken up to assist him, he would comfort me, saying, “Relax! Don’t be too nervous! Go back to sleep! I will be fine.” Watching him staggering away, I felt deep sorrow. I could not help but get up and help him.
During the period when my father was confined to his bed, he still recited the Buddha’s name and sat in meditation. Sometimes I would recite a section of sutra text for him, and then he would share with me his understanding of that section. By October that year, he could move about without much difficulty, and his physical strength had already been restored. He could even go out for a walk, sit in the full lotus position to meditate, bow to the Buddhas, etc.
To be continued
|
