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佛教之所以能吸引我，是因為每個事物都可以得到合乎邏輯的解釋。有時它是如此的清楚，以致於難以瞭解。它要求我超越世俗的經驗和世間既有的知識，因此有時我覺得不自在。如果有其他的選擇的話，我大概不會冒然投入佛教的思想領域；因為相信我的問題可以透過某些人、事、物來解決，是比較容易的想法。不過在我已然瞥見自己的心靈活動後，我知道，唯有揭開心靈的奧秘，我才能得到真正的理解和快樂。
我開始常常到一間佛寺去打坐，並閱讀心靈與外界如何互動的書籍。更重要的是，我想把這些道理融入日用生活中。佛教所提供的不僅是理論，尚有豐富的修行方法，及已被先前的修行者再三認證過的傳統。從佛教大德的教導裡，我了解修行的迫切性。學佛而不修行，就好比光讀醫生開的處方卻不服藥。
最初，我沒有太重視修行，因為我想要緊的是去理解佛法。不過我很快就發現，雖然我可以理智而邏輯地明白理論，那並不代表我就能夠將它們具體表現在日用生活中。即使我已經知道我心中本具備了快樂的關鍵，但當我不警覺到自我時，我仍然會被事情所擾。當我不警覺時，我不知不覺地就掉入習慣性的思考模式。儘管表面上，修行似乎很死板和沉悶，它卻能打破我既有的習氣。它迫使我去面對內在隱藏的執著。如果我緊握著我「需要」某事物的想法，我就無法歡喜的修行。還有，修行使我的瞭解更為深入；它就像在學校做習題一樣，使我們對所學的有更深一層的瞭解。
我開始改變我的作息和壞習慣。由於瞭解到他人永遠不會構成我真正的問題，我也試圖更具包容力。隨著修行的加深，過去的記憶開始不時的湧現在我的腦海裡；這些潛藏的記憶，通常夾帶著強烈的情緒。譬如，以前我從未意識過的，我青少年初期在美國的記憶開始浮現，如我們是如何不情願的移民美國、其他的孩子如何欺負我，而我又如何欺負別人以為報復等。伴隨這些記憶而來的情緒，通常是如此的強烈，以致我時常必須停止修行，使自己冷靜下來。對這些記憶和情緒深思一番後，我推論：以前我僅僅是把它們壓抑住而已。
在我領悟到我們的心靈是如此強而有力，而我們的經驗是經由詮釋而來的之前，我非常固執於人我分別的實有性上；於是我總試圖操縱我身邊的世界，來得到更多。在這個模式內，我以我的「需要」來看待一切人和物。最要緊的是，我「必須」是個重要的人物，我希求一個令我自己滿意的自我形象。為了滿足所要的自我形象，記憶因而被壓抑或扭曲了。有時我必須作為一個受害者，如此我才能覺得我是無辜的；有時我必須成為贏家，如此我才能覺得高人一等。如今我已瞭解一切都沒問題，而且我不必是個什麼人物，我就能夠接受我自己和他人。其結果是，所有被壓抑及扭曲的記憶全都現前了。
在記憶之中，最顯著、也最令我羞愧的是，當我心情不好時，我如何折騰我的母親、弟弟和其他人。我通常都是根據自己內在狀況的需求，來看待他人；這是多麼嚴重地蒙蔽了我看待這個世界和人們的方式啊！另一個我開始感受到的顯著感覺是，一種深深的感激之情油然而生，即使曾經虧待我的人，我也很感謝他們；因為他們全是我過去的一部分，而過去和現在是永遠不可分割的。我現在的快樂，在我看來，也是從所有過去的經歷累積而來的結果。
我的姊姊也在同時期開始研究佛教，她建議我們向父母頂禮。我們都非常景仰從亞洲隻身來美國弘揚佛法的宣公上人，上人小時就是向他的父母頂禮；有一天上人突然覺悟他從小就給他的父母帶來很多憂慮，為了證明他有痛改前非的決心及對父母的恭敬心，他就開始頂禮他的父母。
在我的一生中，父母是影響我最深的人，當我的心中充滿感恩時，對父母感激之情自然最強烈。姊姊和我開始頂禮我們的母親，我個人也向弟弟頂禮；在我的成長過程中，我對他非常粗暴無理，所以我必須懺悔。當我向他頂禮時，他竟哭了起來，並告訴我我如何對他不好。我很訝異於他所說的事情，大部份的事我連想都想不起來。這讓我瞭解到，當我活在自己的小世界裡時，我傷害了很多人。
過了不久，我有機緣去台灣探望父親。頂禮母親並不難，因為她為我們做了很多的犧牲；但是要頂禮父親，就不是那麼容易了。在我的成長過程中，我們大部份的問題，都是起因於他的自私心。不過，正如宣公上人所說的這首偈頌：
真認自己錯，莫論他人非；
他非即我非，同體名大悲。
當我甘心地為我所遭遇的一切負責時，我就自由了。這意味著我擁有改變的能力。因為我有掌控力，所以我有信心。因此父親所做的壞事不再緊要了，我只感激他為我們做的好事，所以我向他頂禮。
我向父親頂禮時，他非常訝異，心底上，他大概想我們全都恨他。他只輕描淡寫的說：「你們佛教徒總是這麼注重這些表面儀式。」我有點灰心，但是仍然持續每天向他叩頭。我對這個法門相當有信心，因為我相信我們的心都是互通的；如果我改變自己，他也會隨著改變。過了不久，他的態度果然改變了！
我開始跟他談話，我告訴他，我很感激他為我們所做的一切；當然他曾經做過錯事，但那些事已經無關緊要了。看到我這麼誠心，父親開始告訴我他的一生、他的奮鬥、他的不安、他和我母親的關係，以及他童年時的經歷如何影響他的一生。在那一刻，他不再只是我的父親，他同時也是一個活生生的人。
我對父親有了前所未知的認識，我發現他是多麼地孤獨、我看見他為自己所犯的錯而痛苦、我也看見他仍然執著於許多事物上；正和他人一般，他也有他自己道德上的掙扎。經過這次溝通之後，我們父子增多了相互的尊重。
當我主動地向父親叩頭時，我們的關係改變了；在那轉瞬間，我長大了。童年時，我很畏懼父親，他是一個成功的律師，而我也想跟他一樣成功，我不想辜負他的期望。不過，我開始向他叩頭時，我變成了一個為自己負責的人；我能感激他帶給我的好處，也能原諒他的過錯。
就某種意義來說，我已經比我的父母更成熟了。當我們小時候，我們以為父母無所不知，他們告訴我們什麼是對的、什麼是錯的；然而現在，我已從佛教裡找到一個內心的指南針。雖然父親對我學佛仍不以為然，他卻也看到學佛的好處；因此他開始懷疑他自己對「何者為重」的基本價值觀。雖然他希望兒女多賺錢並飛黃騰達，但他也相當尊重我們所選擇的路。他知道我們愛他，也感到非常欣慰，我們彼此間的瞭解和尊重總會常在。
後記
從叩頭的經驗中，我學到對法門要有信心，並要去實踐。西方的文化往往把身和心一分為二，人們傾向於相信：瞭解僅是智能活動；然而很顯然地，這並不正確。試問：有多少人只讀課本，不做習題，就可以考得很好？心理的理解，只是學習的開始；做習題則能加深我們的理解，直到融會貫通。假設有人為我解釋無求全毀譽的觀念、事物的互依性、以及其他佛教的道理，我會說太妙了；但是要體現這些道理，則必須實際去修行。
當我們實際上去修像頂禮這樣小小的禮儀，卻可以產生極大的作用。如果從唯物的觀點來衡量，我對父母叩頭時，什麼也沒有發生，只是平白浪費我的時間罷了。然而從不可見的層面來看，頂禮對我們的心靈卻有深遠的影響。禮拜是一種古老的儀式，它在我們的心靈有極深的意義，它是修行無求全毀譽的念頭。當我禮拜時，我以謙卑的立場，認同我頂禮的對象，是值得我尊敬的人。如果我認為自己是宇宙的中心，並據此來評價他人，那麼我一定不可能心甘情願的向人頂禮。因此這種修行能幫助我去除我執，並認可別人的力量及長處。
當我不願意頂禮時，每每是我分別心在作梗。有時我會覺察到內心對禮拜的抗拒。往深一層的檢驗，總是分別心在幕後作祟。叩個頭只需幾秒鐘，如果沒有分別心，為什麼不頂禮呢？這一個動作就包涵了許多佛法的道理，並迫使我的執著浮現出來。修行能肯定信仰，強化信仰，並且令我更深入瞭解我的信仰。
我發現對父母頂禮是特別值得的，因為他們對我的一生影響甚大。當我深深地接納他們、尊敬他們和感激他們時，我正在接受、尊敬和感激我自己。對我而言，頂禮真的是再好不過的修行法門了！它使我的家人凝聚在一起，並讓我的父母明白我不是自以為是的佛教徒；反之，它讓我改變了自己，如果我足夠真誠的話，旁人也會隨著蛻變。
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What attracted me to Buddhism was how everything can be explained logically. Sometimes it is so clear that it can be hard to understand. It required me to cut through my ordinary experience and existing knowledge of the world. Sometimes I found this uncomfortable. If given other options, I probably would have never ventured into the Buddhist territory of thinking because it is much easier to believe that my problems can be solved with something, someone, someplace or sometime. However after having a glimpse of what was going on in my head, I knew that uncovering the mystery of my mind was the only way to real understanding and happiness.
I began to go to a Buddhist monastery, meditate and read books dealing with how our mind and the world interact. Most importantly I want to imbue my daily life with Buddhist principles. What Buddhism offered me was not just theories, but a wealth of practices and traditions that had been reaffirmed by practitioners before. From the teachings of Buddhist masters, I saw the urgency to practice. Learning Buddhism without practice is like reading the doctor’s prescription without taking the medicine.
At first, I didn’t value the practices much because I thought what matters is what you know. However, I soon realized that although I can logically and intellectually understand the theories, it did not mean I could embody them in my daily life. Although I learned that I already have all that I needed to be happy, I still got irritated when I was not aware of myself. There were habitual thinking patterns that I slipped into when I was not alert. Though on the surface the practices seemed rigid and dreary, they allowed me to break the existing habitual patterns I had created in the past. The practices forced me to confront my hidden attachments. If I am holding onto a notion that I “need” something, then I cannot practice joyfully. Plus the practices deepened my understanding. It was like doing problem sets in school, which really helped to bring my knowledge to a deeper level.
I began to make changes in my life and break bad habits. I also tried to be more tolerant, knowing that other people were never the real problem. As I practiced more, I began to experience a random rush of flashbacks. They usually involved hidden memories mixed with strong emotions. For example, many memories of my early adolescence in America which I was never conscious of before began to resurface. Things like how reluctant we were about immigrating, how other kids had mistreated me, and how I had mistreated others in return. The emotions that accompanied these memories were usually very strong and I often had to stop practicing and let my feelings cool down. I reflected on these memories and emotions and reasoned that I had merely suppressed them before.
Before I realized that our mind was so powerful and that experiences were interpreted, I was very entrenched in the objectivity of self and others. Hence I always tried to obtain more by manipulating the world around me. Within this mode, I saw people and things in terms of my “needs”. Most importantly, I myself must be somebody. There is the desire for a satisfactory self-image. Thus memories were suppressed and/or distorted for whatever self-image I needed. Sometimes I needed to be a victim so I could feel blameless. Sometimes I needed to be a winner so I could feel superior. Now that I knew that everything was fine and that I did not need to be anything, I could just accept myself and others. As a result, all the memories that were suppressed or distorted resurfaced.
Among the memories, the most prominent was a feeling of shame on how I had mistreated my mother, my brother and others when I felt bad myself. The way I saw the world and other people was so heavily shaded by my internal condition that I usually just saw others according to my needs. Another prominent feeling that I began having was a deep sense of gratitude. I was even thankful to the people who had mistreated me, because they were all part of my past, and the past is always present. And I saw the present happiness as a result that had culminated from all my previous experiences.
My sister also began to explore Buddhism at the same time. She suggested that we bow to our parents. We were inspired by Master Hsuan Hua, a Buddhist monk who came from Asia to America to teach Buddhism, who bowed to his parents when he was a young boy. One day he reflected on himself and thought about how he had caused his parents a great deal of worry. And out of a wish to show his resolve to change his ways and his respect for them, he took up the practice of bowing to them.
Of all the people in my life, my parents affected me the most. When my heart is filled with gratitude and appreciation, naturally the feeling is strongest towards them. My sister and I began bowing to our mother. Personally I also bowed to my brother. I had been very mean to him growing up so I needed to repent. He cried when I bowed to him and told me how I wronged him. I was surprised by the things he said. I do not even remember most of them. It’s shocking to know that others took a lot of abuse when I was living in my little world.
Not long afterward, I got a chance to visit Taiwan where my father was living. Bowing to my mother was not hard since she sacrificed a lot for us, but bowing to my father was a bit difficult. Most of our troubles growing up were derived from his selfishness. However, Buddhism teaches:
Truly accept your own faults,
Do not discuss the faults of others.
Others’ faults are just my own
Being one with everyone is Great Compassion.
When I accept that I am responsible for my own circumstances, I am free. It means I have the power to change. Because I have control, I have confidence. My father’s wrongdoings didn’t matter anymore. I just appreciated all the good he did for us, so I bowed to him.
My father was surprised by my bowing. Deep down, he probably expected us all to hate him. He brushed it off and said, “You Buddhists are always so fixated on formality.” I was discouraged a bit, but I kept on bowing everyday to him. I had faith in the methodology. I believed that because we are all connected, if I changed myself, he would change as well. After a while, his attitude changed.
I started talking to him and said I really appreciated everything he did for us. Of course he made mistakes, but they didn’t matter anymore. Seeing that I was sincere, he started talking to me about his life, his struggles, his insecurities, his relationship with my mother and how his own childhood had shaped him. At that moment, my father ceased to be just my father. He became a person.
I saw many sides of my father that I did not know existed before. I saw how lonely he had been. I saw his remorse about the things he had done, and I saw how he was still attached to many things. He had his own moral struggles just like everyone else. After that exchange, we developed a lot of respect for each other.
I took the initiative to bow to my father, and it changed our relationship. It was at that moment that I grew up. When I was a kid I was really scared of my father. He was a successful lawyer, and I wanted to be successful too. I wanted to live up to his expectations. However, when I started bowing, I became the one who was taking responsibility for my own situation, and I was the one who appreciated his good points while forgiving his wrongs.
In a way, I had outgrown my parents. You know when you’re a child you think your parents have all the answers. They tell you what’s right and what’s wrong. However now, I found an internal compass based on Buddhist principles. Although my father was still not very enthusiastic about my study of Buddhism, he also saw the value and benefits from it. Consequently he began to question some of his own fundamental values about what was important. He still wants us kids to make money and be successful, but he also has a lot of respect for us and the path we are walking on. He knows that we love him. He appreciates that and there will always be a level of understanding and respect.
Afterword
One thing I learned from my bowing experience is to practice and have faith in the methodology. In western culture, there is often a dichotomy between body and mind. People tend to believe that understanding is only a mental activity. Yet it is clearly not true. How many people can do well on exams by just reading textbooks without doing problem sets? Mentally understanding things is just a beginning. Practice deepens the knowledge until it becomes a part of us. Suppose someone explains to me the idea of non-judging, the interdependency of people and things, and all the Buddhist principles. I can say great; I agree. But to embody them, I need to practice.
Small rituals like bowing, when practiced, make a big difference. From a materialistic perspective, nothing happens when I bow to my parents. It’s just a waste of time. However, looking at the unseen dimension of things, bowing has a deep impact on our psyche. Bowing is an ancient ritual, and it has meaning deep within our minds. It is a way of practicing non-judgment. When I bow, I take a position of humility: I acknowledge that someone else is worthy of my respect. If I think of myself as the center of the world and judge others accordingly, I would have a difficult time bowing to others. Therefore, the practice helps me work on my ego and recognize others’ strengths and good points.
When there is resistance to bowing, it is my judgment at work. On occasions, I would find internal resistance to bowing. On deeper examination, it was always the judgmental mind at work behind the scene. Bowing only takes seconds, why not bow if I am not judging? In one action, it embodies many Buddhist principles and forces my attachments to the surface. Practice reaffirms the belief. It makes the belief stronger, and I gain more understanding of it.
I find bowing to parents especially valuable because my parents are big influences on my life. When I deeply accept them, respect them and appreciate them, I am accepting, respecting and appreciating myself. It was a really good practice for me. It helped the family come together and showed my parents that studying Buddhism did not make me become self-righteous. Rather, it is about changing myself, and if I’m sincere, others will change as well.
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