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我遇到的另外一個問題，來自於我鄰居太太一成不變的聲音；她一整天都在教琴，這重複、響亮的琴音，使我無法專心做每天的課誦，令我很苦惱。後來，終於忍無可忍了，只要她那邊琴音一起，我就不修行，跑回房間。然後，我讀到《楞嚴經》（第8卷，195頁）， 師父教我們什麼都別貪。他提到「有位修行人因貪圖靜謐，以致著魔」的事例。這嚇壞我了！於是我試著改變對她那極響而又一再重複的樂音之憎惡，開始當她的歌聲、琴音為我課誦的配樂，一如佛教每日課誦儀式時敲奏的法器聲。有趣得很，從此她的樂聲對我不再是那麼刺激了。
師父能察覺我的每一絲妄念。關於這一點，一度我曾經想要出家，因我感到：人生不外是痛苦，婚姻幸福只是一種錯覺等等。不過我之所以想出家，主要來自我個人的那些痛苦、焦慮，與不愉快的考驗，苦惱當然不是出家的正因。我的強烈執著，障礙我心願的達成；而我仍然在這件事上打妄想，計畫我人生的下一步。師父當然悉知我的念頭，他適時而迅捷的勸言，有如清涼醍醐，消融我一切煩惱。我欣然研讀他的反應：
「你的心念，佛菩薩都知道，他們有他心通，你騙不了他們，所以別打妄想！你若有這個因緣，該來的，一定會來；反之，如果你沒有這個因緣，打妄想也打不來。」（華嚴經疏序》第一門，第95頁）
有人可能視上述的話語為侮辱，我倒覺得挺幽默，不啻為對治我這種妄想的靈丹妙藥。
後來，我渴欲出家的念頭再度興起；此時，我的心理狀態已較以前進步，所以師父給我不同的建言，他一直鼓勵我大膽地跨出這成為大丈夫的第一步。無論何時，當我信手翻開經本，字裏行間，在在流露出他的關懷：
「想出家就出家，不要光說而已！」〈《華嚴經》第七品，第48頁〉
他這麼跟我保證：「有人反駁說：『你出家後，對於你父母或兄弟姊妹沒什麼好處。』那是錯誤的觀念！出家修行，才是真正孝順父母、真正利益你的兄弟姊妹。」〈《華嚴經》第八品，第68頁〉
接著又說：「莫道出家是容易的，只因累世種菩提。」〈《華嚴經》第七品，第18頁〉
他又說：「出家之後，我們要改掉惱害眾生的壞習慣，下定決心做正直的好人…」〈《華嚴經》第39品之一〉
而且：「我會安排好時機，使他們都能順利出家，沒有障礙。」〈《華嚴經》第39品之五〉
後來，我出家的念頭打消了，恰好師父也有很長一段時間，不再就這件事予我任何建議。
有一次，師父幫我做辯護。那時，我辭工專心研究佛法，某人慫恿我重回職場；她在擺著師父像的供桌前說：「你若是問師父，他會希望你去工作的！」我默默回到房間，翻開經本，師父一段有關前述的話語躍入眼簾：「工作能有多好？它只會令你繼續顛倒罷了！」
我將師父的意見轉述此人，她無言以對。
從幾件事上，可以看出師父是鼓勵我研究經典的：
「聽經聞法最可貴，這比金錢能買得到的都好。你若有時間來研究佛法，那最好不過！」
「告訴我什麼有意義？你認為什麼事有意義？除了研究佛法了生脫死，人所做的其他一切事情，都不能了生脫死！」〈《華嚴經疏序》第一門〉
在家研究佛法，不是一件容易的事兒。在世人眼裡，工作賺錢，收益最大，至於家務事以及研究佛法，有空再說吧！我的作為，恰恰跟一般人相反，因此面臨各式各樣的反對。我很有耐性地接下各種言辭的攻擊──侮辱、譏諷、嘲笑、指責等等。當時，我完全不曾對抗或反擊他們，然而透過經本中的字句，師父倒成為我的辯護律師了。不過，有一次，我本打算和悅地跟人說出我的理由，像是：人為何不應以物質的標準，來衡量他人的成功與否。此後不久，我重又打開經本，發現還是以不回應為好。師父這麼說的：
爭是勝負心，與道相違背，
便生四相心，由何得三昧？
是非何須辯，真偽久自明，
智者見真實，愚者行虛偽，
善者學菩薩，惡者敢罵佛，
平等大悲心，普攝諸含識。
〈《華嚴經》第39品之五〉
待續
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Another problem I faced was the constant sounds from my neighbor’s wife. Throughout the day, she gives piano lessons to different students. This recurrent loud music irks me as it obstructs me from concentrating on my daily recitation. It got to a point when I refused to be annoyed any longer and would stop cultivating and seek solace in my room whenever her music started. Then I read the
Shurangama Sutra [Vol 8, pg 195] whereby Shr Fu warned us not to be greedy for anything. He spoke about how a cultivator caused the demons to come due to his greed for peace and quiet. Stunned, I try to change my resentment towards her extremely loud and repetitive music. I begin to take her singing and the piano sounds as accompanying music in my daily recitation, just as the music made by the Dharma instruments complements the daily Buddhist ceremonies. Funnily enough her music did not appear that irritating anymore.
Shr Fu is aware of every false thought that I strike up. To illustrate this point, once I resolved to leave the home-life. I realize that life is certainly suffering, marital bliss a misconception, etc. However, my desire to renounce the home-life stemmed from my disenchantment, vexation, and unpleasant tests. Afflictions are certainly not the right reason to leave home. My deeply rooted attachments obstructed me from fulfilling my wish. I kept on false thinking on this matter and planning my next step in life. Shr Fu certainly knew my thoughts and his timely, prompt advice was as cool and refreshing as sweet dew, melting away all afflictions. I read in amusement his response,
“...Buddhas and Bodhisattvas know all your thoughts. They have the penetration of others’ thoughts and you can’t fool them. So don’t have false thoughts. If your causes and conditions are such that something should happen, it certainly will. But if you don’t have what it takes, false thinking won’t make it happen.” [Flower Adornment Sutra (FAS) Prologue 1st Door, pg 95]
While others may view the aforesaid remark as an insult, I find it so humorous – the perfect remedy to cure me of this particular false thought.
Later, I had the strong urge again to leave home-life. Now that I was in a better frame of mind, Shr Fu gave a different advice. He kept on encouraging me to take the brave step of a great hero. Whenever I randomly read the Sutras, I can feel his concern through his words:“If you want to leave home, leave home, don’t just express the wish to.” [FAS Chap 7, pg 48]
He reassures me that, “Some people argue, ‘After you leave the home life, you aren’t of much help to your parents or your brothers and sisters.” That is a mistaken notion. To leave home and cultivate is to be truly filial to your parents and be truly helpful to your siblings.” [FAS Chap 8, pg 68]
He added,“Don’t think that leaving home is an easy thing to do. It can happen only from having planted seeds of Bodhi in distant times past.” [FAS Chap 7, pg 18]
He also advised, “After leaving the home life, we must change our bad habits that afflict most people of the world, and be determined to become upright and fine persons…” [FAS Chap 39 I, pg 35]
And,“I arrange circumstances so that they can leave the home-life with ease, without any impediment.”[FAS Chap 39 V, pg 57]
Eventually, when I stopped entertaining thoughts of leaving home, coincidentally Shr Fu stopped advising me regarding this issue for a very long time.
There was a time when Shr Fu defended me. As I had resigned from my job to concentrate on investigating the Buddhadharma, someone tried to encourage me to resume my working life. In front of Shr Fu’s image on the altar, she said, “If you ask Shr Fu, he will want you to go out to work!” I kept quiet and returned to my room. Opening my Sutra, I came across Shr Fu’s remarkable comments regarding that person’s claim: “What’s so great about working? It only insures that you continue to be upside down!”
I relayed Shr Fu’s opinion to that person and she was at a loss for words.
Shr Fu encourages my Sutra study on a few occasions:
“Listening to the Dharma is most precious. It is much better than what money could buy. It is truly fine if you could have the time to investigate the Dharma.”
“Tell me what does have meaning – what you consider meaningful. Apart from the studying the Buddhadharma to end birth and death, all the other activities that one does are not ending birth and death.” [FAS Prologue 1st Door, pg 61]
Staying at home to investigate Buddhism is not an easy matter. In the eyes of mundane people, working to earn money is the most fruitful thing to do whereas household chores and investigating Buddhadharma can be done during our idle hours. I was doing the exact opposite to the norm and thus, faced all sorts of opposition. Patiently, I took all sorts of verbal attacks – insults, sarcasm, mockery, scorn, rebuke, etc. When I do not oppose or counterattack, Shr Fu is my defense lawyer through his words in the Sutra. However, there was a time when I decided to graciously speak out on the reasons as to why one should not measure the success of an individual based on material standards. Not long afterwards, when I reopened my Sutra, I discovered that I should not have answered back. Shr Fu said:
Contention involves thoughts of victory and defeat.
It opposes the Way And gives rise to thoughts of the four marks:
How can one obtain samadhi?
Why bother to argue over right and wrong?
True or false will eventually become clear themselves.
Wise people see the truth; Fools practice what’s false.
Wholesome ones emulate the Bodhisattvas;
Evil ones dare to slight the Buddha.
With an impartial, greatly compassionate mind,
Universally gather in all sentient creatures.
[FAS Chap 39 V, pgs 213-4]
To be continued
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