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幾天前，我的一位女同事告訴我，她發現一張她故鄉的地圖：那是中國廣州梅縣(台山)的一個小村莊；是在她朋友介紹的一個網站上看到的。這個發現讓她喜悅萬分，因為她在很小的時候就搬到美國來了，所以她從來就不知道自己的家鄉在哪裏，只知道它很小，人口僅有一、兩百人。現在有此地圖，得以想像，她的喜悅溢於言表。今年她決定返鄉探親，來美多年 ，這是第一次返鄉。
當時我就想：「哇！找到故鄉地圖的她，是那麼地高興啊！」而我們讀佛經，不正也有著類似的反應嗎？或是欣喜萬分，或是感動落淚！因為我們終於找到一個能引領我們回到自性的地圖。因此我看到她這樣子，心裏想：「對啊！每個人?無論是不是佛教徒，都希望能返本還原，認識自己本有家鄉。」這正是我讀佛經時的感覺。
「返本還原」，我認為可以說是一種懺悔。記得從小到大，我經歷過幾個不同的成長階段，也學會了喜好、追求某些事物。因為別人對我好，我可能就想和他交友；若對我不好，我可能就跟他保持距離。而隨著年紀的增長，好惡也愈加明顯，執著、期望也越多。好像手裡已經拿著一個大袋子，還不斷地往裏頭塞東西一樣，裏面積累的越來越多。
我自小生長在一個佛教家庭裏，從小耳濡目染，受父母的影響很深。家慈非常溫順善良，家父則是一位很有智慧的人。但是在大學四年間，遠離父母，我積累了許多執著、目標、煩惱、欲望、和追求──我遇到許多朋友，嚐試許多事物。除放假回家時，大學期間我很少有機會上寺廟──因為忙於半工讀，有時兼打兩份工。幾年下來，這些東西日積月累；直到最近我來到了「金聖寺」，才開始反思到底哪些事才是真正有意義的？於是我發現，我可以不需要交那麼多朋友、不需要那麼多執著。
當然要改變這些習性，是要循序漸進的，不可以操之過急。在修行還未到家之前，待在家裏，遠離諸喧囂，確實是個比較安全的選擇；因為一大堆人在一起時，的確很容易受到他人影響而失去原則。我心不夠堅定時，需藉懺悔，一點一滴，將心裏浮華不實的欲望與喜好除去。
昨天參加了一個婚禮。一個孩子和他媽媽拿著兩朵花向我走來，其中一朵比較大，另一朵比較小，但都已枯萎 。 我心想，從小到大，有許多事在我心裏佔很「大」的份量：如學業、友情、金錢和食物。當那個孩子把那兩朵枯花遞給我時，我想到：生命中的事不管有多重要，最終都將逝去，沒有永恆不變的。這就是為什麼我們一定要想清楚，自己一生要完成的到底是什麼？
既然了解所追求的是無常的，我們就應去追求更深廣的事物；就像我的朋友尋鄉歸根那樣，去追尋我們本有的自性。
當我讀佛經時，我真的很感謝佛陀幫我們找到永恆的快樂。每當我為煩惱所苦，無法專注在佛法上時，我會感到慚愧，我應該更誠心才是！有時候，當我禮佛三拜時，如果發現自己不夠虔敬，我會再拜，直到自己能夠更專心為止。
所謂「人身難得，今已得；佛法難聞，今已聞」。我希望大家能好好把握這一生，把握生命中難遭難遇的機會，認真地去追尋永恆不變的自性，而不是世間無常的事物；漸漸地，我們就會體認出什麼是真理，什麼是虛幻！
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The other day, my co-worker told me about how she found a map of the village where she grew up before coming to America at a very young age. Her village is part of a bigger area called Taishan in Canton, China. The map was on a website that her friend showed her. She was extremely happy about it. She had not known where her village was located before finding this map. Her village was very small with a population of about 100 to 200 people. Now that she’s found the map she can visualize it. You could see the joy on her face and hear it in her voice. This year, she plans to visit her village for the very first time since she’s come to America.
Then I thought, “Wow! She’s so happy that she’s found a map to where she was originally from.” And when we read the Sutras, there’s a similar reaction. Some of us might shed tears when we read the Sutras. Sometimes we become very happy. It’s because we’ve finally found a map to guide us to where we originally came from, that is, to our original nature, which is pure. So when I saw her, I thought, “Yeah, for everybody, no matter if you’re Buddhist or not, we all really want to find our source, our origin.” That’s how I feel when I read the Sutras.
Returning to the original nature is kind of how I think of repentance. I remember going through certain stages when I was growing up. I learned to like or seek certain things. Because a person is nice to me, I might want to be friends with that person. If a person is not nice to me, then I might want to stay away from that person. As I grew older, the likes and seeking became stronger. I had more and more attachments and expectations. It’s like holding a big bag and continually stuffing things inside. We accumulate more and more inside.
I grew up in a Buddhist environment. I learned a lot just from my parents’ actions. My mom is a very gentle person and my dad is wise. But when I went to college, I had no parents there by my side, and I came to accumulate a lot of attachments, goals, afflictions, desires, and seekings. I met a lot of friends and did a lot of things. During college, I seldom had a chance to go to the monastery, except when I came home. It’s also because I had to work. At one point, I was working two jobs. Over time, things kept accumulating until when I recently came to Gold Sage Monastery. Then I started to reflect on all those things that I feel are important to me. I discovered that I don’t need to have so many friends or so many habitual attachments.
But to change these habits, one needs to do it little by little. Sometimes one just can’t rush and needs to have patience. Before I have developed some skill in cultivation, it’s better for me to stay at home and avoid socializing with a lot of people. It is very easy for me to be swayed or influenced, and hence lose my principles. My resolve for the Way is not solid yet, so I need to rely on the method (dharma) of repentance to do away with illusory desires and likes—bit by bit.
Yesterday, I went to a wedding. A child came up to me with her mom and gave me two withered flowers—-one of them was a big flower and the other was small. They were all withered and dead. I thought, in the course of growing up, many things hold such great importance to me: such as school, friendship, money, and food…. When the child passed the two flowers to me, I realized that no matter how important those things are, they will in time pass and be gone—nothing is permanent. That is why we should think it through and be clear: what is the purpose of our lives—what are we going to accomplish in this life?
When we understand that everything we seek for is impermanent, then we should try to find something more profound; just as my friend traced her roots to her hometown village, we should search for our inherent nature.
When I read the Sutras, I really appreciate that the Buddha helped us find permanent happiness. When I am troubled by a lot of afflictions, I can’t be attentive enough to the dharmas in those Sutras, I feel sorry and ashamed—I should be more sincere! Sometimes when I bow to the Buddha three times, if I didn’t do it with a sincere and respectful heart, I will bow again and again, until my mind becomes more focused and pure.
As the Sutra says, “A human body is hard to attain, now I’ve attained it. The Buddhadharma is hard to hear, now I’m able to hear it.” I hope that everybody can cherish this life, as well as opportunities that are so hard to come by, and truly try to find the ever-abiding and unchanging inherent nature. Gradually, as we understand what the Truth really is, we will also see through what is illusory.
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