|
在我親近上人的那段難忘的日子裏，我做了一件極愚癡，無法彌補的蠢事。這件事，我什麼時候想起來，什麼時候晃頭，感到無地自容。
事情是這樣的，當時有幾位好心的老居士，勸我來聖城，我總是顧慮重重。雖然胡果浩按著我的顧慮，一一為我做了解釋，可我仍然做不出來決定。一天在上人面前果英和果浩又勸我時，我不好意思在上人面前表態，心想，若上人說「先不用去」，就好了，我就有下臺階了。我念頭剛落，上人就說，「那先不用去吧！」真巧！我就這樣下了臺階。當時我怎知道我的起心動念，上人都清清楚楚的？我這個業障深重，有眼無珠的人，想藉著聖人的嘴，達到自己遠離聖地的目的。我耍了個小心眼，這臺階可下去了，但誤了五、六年才到得了聖城！
上人仍對我慈悲不捨，不僅通過簡果金老居士（現為沙彌尼親光）轉告我好好修法，還在夢中不立文字，不動語言為我講法，包括我來聖城前，在夢中還給我解除種種的顧慮。當時在華嚴精舍的三位法師及蓮友們也都鼓勵我，終於在1997年4月我來到萬佛聖城，拜萬佛寶懺。當我邁入這萬佛莊嚴的大殿，見到尊尊佛像，見到法師和善知識們的精進情況，我不禁肅然起敬，感動萬分，充滿法喜。這都是我學習的榜樣，是我真正嚮往追求的地方！我來得太晚！
法會期間，一次我去祖師殿拜上人像。當我頭剛要著地時，從心深處生了一條很細很清楚的心念--這念頭和平時的妄念不一樣，有一種實在感。我心念，「您是我多年尋找的終身師父呀？」我猛抬頭，望著師父，心想「您是誰？我的終身師父是阿彌陀佛！」言外之意是，「您怎能是我的終身師父呢？」不拜了！起身出去，我要知道上人到底是誰？很慚愧，雖然皈依了上人，當時以皈依凡夫僧的心念皈依的。
當我在流通處看到一本有圖片的書，有這麼一段，說上人降生前其母曾夢見阿彌陀佛放大光明。難道上人是阿彌陀佛嗎？我真不敢相信我會遇到阿彌陀佛再來。我又迫不急待地去找上人的十八大願，恭讀後原來和阿彌陀佛的四十八大願，從願上看沒有任何差異。心想，真有可能是阿彌陀佛再來？上人就針對我的執著，終於讓我聽到上人錄音帶中的開示，「我告訴你們一句心裏話，我最喜歡念佛，我最喜歡念南無阿彌陀佛，我行、住、坐、臥都在念阿彌陀佛。我念佛時，我身前、身後、左、右，上、下，滿虛空都是阿彌陀佛，最後阿彌陀佛和我融合成一體了。」和阿彌陀佛合為一體，不是阿彌陀佛又是誰呢？
當我確信在五濁惡世，娑婆世界中遇到並皈依了我立志求願接引我皈命的阿彌陀佛時，我真是又驚又喜，心裡頓感安穩踏實，但也夾雜著說不出來的羞愧。不是嗎？我立志求生極樂，但見到了我立志皈命的人時，不但不認識，反而想用他的嘴說出我要說的話，豈不等於想讓阿彌陀佛說出我不用到西方極樂世界了嗎？嗚呼！師父，阿彌陀佛，請寬恕我，憐憫我的愚癡和迷惑。
我到祖師殿，跪在上人像前，望著上人說，「師父，您走了，我來了；您住世，我昏迷。我有眼無珠，當面不認識，您是阿彌陀佛。我迷惑，可您清楚，為什麼您不用棍把我敲醒呢？」
事後有一天，我把這事告訴姜居士，她沒吭聲。次日她見到我便說，「有人真是不要臉，自己業障重，反而埋怨師父！」好極了！一針見血，道出了我內心的自責、後悔和慚愧；道出了我對聖城法師們，及安住道場的大德們的無限欽佩和敬仰。願這聲音留在虛空，留在法界；願上人知道有善知識點醒了我，永遠清除我心中一切的顛倒與迷惑。從這件事，我受到了極其深刻的教訓。
祖師說，「切莫信吾意，吾意不可信。」人生短暫，能遇到明眼善知識實在不容易，到正法道場修行更難了。機不可失，能遇到上人也是自己的大福報，我現在才懂得應該珍惜。上人的教化真是奇特多彩，讓我在教訓中體會到整個法界是自己；自己打妄想，不老實，其實是捉弄自己。也不知是一種什麼力量，讓我窮追到底，非要弄個明白上人是誰不可。經云，「如來又能現妙色身，普使眾生隨類見。」心想，「是哪一尊就是哪一尊」，我當時執著得那麼可笑。當我了然了，那個所求的心息了，啊！我頓時明白了，當下豈不就是極樂淨土嗎！這不就是所謂的從有求到無求嗎？以前我只能在理上接受，但沒有體會上人您接引的真妙哇！
更重要的是上人說，「在念佛時就和佛合成一體了。」這一開示簡單明瞭，直截了當，把因果同時，心作心是，一生成辦，當下成就不可思議地將無上大法全盤托出，以身示教。念佛時即是成佛時，我堅定了這一信念，這才是上人接引的最終目的。上人的大慈大悲、大恩大德，我怎能用語言表達出我內心的無限感激，所以我只能說也只會說出一句，師父我好想您啊！
|
|
During that unforgettable period of time when I was around the Venerable Master, I did something so dumb that it was beyond repair. Every time I think about this incident, I can’t help but shake my head and want to dig a hole and hide in it.
What happened was that a couple of kindhearted elders had encouraged me to come to the Sagely City. I always had so many different concerns. Although Guo-Hao Hu had resolved all the concerns that I articulated, I still couldn’t decide. One day, Guo-Ying and Guo-Hao again encouraged me while we were in front of the Venerable Master. I was too embarrassed to express myself before the Venerable Master, but I was thinking, “If only the Venerable Master would tell me not to go for now, then that would be great. I would have a way out.” Just as I thought that, the Venerable Master said, “Why don’t you stay here for now.” What a coincidence! I had a way out. How could I have known that the Venerable Master knew my every thought clearly. As someone who has eyes but is blind and who is laden with karmic obstructions, I had wanted to make use of the sage and his words to distance myself from the Sagely City. I had played a little mind game. I had a way out indeed. I didn’t reach the Sagely City until five or six years later because of that excursion.
The Venerable Master was compassionate and did not give up on me. Not only did he ask Elder Upasika Guo-Jin to tell me to cultivate the Dharma well, but spoke wordless Dharma for me in my dreams, including resolving my many worries before I came to the Sagely City. I also received encouragement from the three Dharma Masters and Pureland friends at the Avatamsaka Hermitage. As a result, I came to the Sagely City of Ten Thousand Buddhas in April of 1997 to participate in the Ten Thousand Buddhas Repentance. When I stepped into this great hall adorned with ten thousand Buddhas and when I saw the Buddha images and the vigor of the Dharma Masters and good advisors, I was filled with reverence and the joy of Dharma. They are all models for me. This is where I had always longed to be, though I arrived much too late.
Once, I went to bow to the image of the Venerable Master in the Patriarchs’ Hall during the Dharma Assembly. When my head was just about to touch the ground, a thought emerged from the bottom of my heart. The thought was faint, but very clear, very different from the typical false thought. There was something solid about it. “You’re the lifelong teacher that I’ve been searching for all these years!” I raised my head suddenly and looked at the Venerable Master, thinking, “Who are you? My lifelong teacher is Amitabha Buddha!” In other words, “How could you be my teacher for life?” I stopped bowing and walked out. I wanted to know who the Venerable Master really is. I am very ashamed to say that, although I took refuge with the Venerable Master, I had the mentality that I was taking refuge with an ordinary Sanghan.
I saw a book that included illustrations at the bookstore. The book talked about how, prior to giving birth to the Venerable Master, his mother had dreamt about Amitabha Buddha emitting a brilliant light. I was guessing that, “Could the Venerable Master be Amitabha Buddha?” I could hardly believe that I had met Amitabha Buddha on his revisit. I rushed around to find the Venerable Master’s eighteen great vows. After reading them, I thought they were no different than Amitabha Buddha’s 48 vows. I thought, “Is it really possible that the Venerable Master is Amitabha Buddha come again?”
The Venerable Master addressed my concern specifically. Finally, I heard the Venerable Master’s taped instructions in which he said, “I’ll tell you one thing from the bottom of my heart. I enjoy reciting the Buddha name the most; I enjoy reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha’s name the most. I am mindful of Amitabha Buddha whether walking, standing, sitting, or lying down. When I am mindful of the Buddha, Amitabha is before me, behind me, to the left and right of me, above and below me. Amitabha Buddha fills all of space. Finally, Amitabha Buddha and I become one.” Who else but Amitabha Buddha could have become one with Amitabha Buddha?
When I was certain that I had encountered Amitabha Buddha in the evil world of the five turbidities and had taken refuge with the one that I prayed would receive me, I was both shocked and glad. I had a feeling of peace and security mixed with an indescribable shame all of a sudden. Indeed, I had vowed to be reborn in the Land of Ultimate Bliss, and yet when I saw the person with whom I had wished to take refuge, not only had I not recognized him, but I had wanted him to speak for me. Isn’t that equivalent to wanting Amitabha Buddha to say that I don’t need to go to the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss? Venerable Master, Amitabha Buddha, please forgive me, take pity on my stupidity and delusions.
I went to the Patriarchs’ Hall to kneel before the statue of the Venerable Master. Looking at the Venerable Master, I said, “Venerable Master, you have gone and I have come. I was dizzy and lost while you were in the world. I had eyes but could not see; I didn’t recognize that you were Amitabha Buddha. I was deluded while you clearly understood. Why didn’t you knock me on the head with a stick to wake me up?”
One day, I told Upasika Jiang about this episode. She didn’t make a sound. The next day, she said to me, “Some people are really shameless. Their own karmic obstruction is tremendous, and yet they blame the Venerable Master for it!” Terrific! Right to the heart of the matter. She articulated the self-blame, regret, and shame in my heart. She articulated the tremendous admiration and esteem that I have toward the Dharma Masters and greatly virtuous ones at the Sagely City. I hope that this sound will resonate and remain in space and the Dharma Realm. I hope that the Venerable Master knows that a good advisor has woken me up, clearing away all of the delusions forever.
From this, I received a profound lesson. The patriarchs say, “Do not believe in your thoughts. Your thoughts cannot be believed.” Life is short—it is truly difficult to encounter a good advisor with clear vision. It’s even more difficult to cultivate at a temple with Proper Dharma. Don’t miss this opportunity. It’s my great fortune to have encountered the Venerable Master. I only know to value it now. The Venerable Master’s teachings are truly unique and fascinating. From those lessons, I have sensed that, I am the entire Dharma Realm. To have false thoughts and be dishonest is really to torture myself.
I don’t know what drove me to pursue endlessly the identity of the Venerable Master. A Sutra states, “The Tathagatha can manifest a wondrous physical body that all beings can behold, according to their kind.” He appears to be the one that one is thinking about. My attachment at the time was laughable. When I understood, I gave up my pursuit. Ah, I understood all of a sudden. Isn’t the Pureland of Ultimate Bliss right here and now? Isn’t this the going from seeking to no seeking? I could only understand this theoretically in the past; I had never felt the true wonder of the Venerable Master’s guidance!
Most importantly, the Venerable Master had said, “I became one with the Buddha while being mindful of the Buddha.” This is a simple and clear set of instructions that is straightforward and to the point. Inconceivably, he simultaneously modeled for us and revealed the following unsurpassed great dharmas: cause and effect, the mind is what the mind
does, realization in this lifetime, and accomplishment here and now. You become a Buddha when you are mindful of the Buddha. I believe in this fully— this is the final end to which the Venerable Master has been guiding us.
How can I express my limitless gratitude for the Venerable Master’s great kindness and compassion? All I can say is, “Master, I miss you so!”
|
