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記得小時做作文，老師常出這個題目，「我將來長大要做什麼？」有一次老師又出這個題目，很多同學都寫，「長大要做老師。」老師一份一份看作文，臉上露出滿意的笑容，但當看到我的時，臉色陡變，抬起頭來叫我，「妳上來！妳上來！」我上去了，老師大聲說，「妳決定將來要唱歌仔戲嗎？」全班同學哄堂大笑，抬頭望著我；我很不好意思，紅了臉，低下頭，心想：「唱歌仔戲也沒有什麼不好；如果不好，為什麼大家那麼喜歡看？」
歌仔戲是臺灣地方戲曲之一，早期的臺灣，婚嫁酬神都唱很多野臺戲。我在那種環境中耳濡目染，學會了這一套，不論花旦、小生，那身段、唱法、唱腔，我都學得維妙維肖。我原來不懂什麼是孟母三遷，也是看戲才知道的；在我小小的心靈中，唱歌仔戲是我人生的第一個志願。
後來我進了大專的國際貿易科，才決定不唱歌仔戲；我學了很多行銷的概念，如何組織公司，如何做國際性的貿易往來等等。在那種環境的熏陶之下，我滿腦子 Money!Money! Money!（錢！錢！錢！）於是我立了人生的第二個志願--做富婆。
因緣湊巧，我加入了學校的佛學社團；接觸佛法後，我有一種清涼的感覺。上人一九八九年回臺時，社團的指導老師要我去皈依；我並不認識上人，但也糊裡糊塗地就去了。
 皈依後，很奇怪的，我喜歡錢的思想就減退了；本想做王永慶第二的那種豪情壯志也銷融了。我開始探討人生的意義，覺得人生有更深一層要去追尋的。所以我就立了人生的第三個志願--出家。出了學校，入了社會以後，在人事上經過很多磨練考驗，也遇到親戚、鄰居的突然死亡；嚐到了人生的無常，更堅定了我對出家的意志。
一九九七年新年，我利用長假去臺北法界佛教印經會拜「梁皇寶懺」；拜後，心裏感觸很深，便申請來美參加法會，圓滿後，就留了下來，又出家了。
從在家到出家，又到現在受完具足戒成為比丘尼，在這一連串過程中，我好像從毛毛蟲變了蝴蝶，將來要飛得更高，更遠。在一百零八天的戒期中，我們上了百多堂的課，學了很多戒律的概念：第一就講到戒律的中心思想有二--就是戒律的精神，及時空變遷的考量。
當初佛制戒，是就弟子隨犯隨制。那時的時空環境與現在不同，有些戒律已不適合現在的僧團。但是，如果我們能把握住佛當時制戒的精神，我們就能很活潑地運用戒律，而不會裹足不前。
上人常教導我們要依法不依人，中國常有改朝換代的變化。為什麼？就因為中國一向是人治，而不是法治，一旦某個君主死亡以後，江山也隨之滅亡。所以佛常教誡我們要以戒為師，因此在佛滅度後，僧團還得以正常運作，就是這個道理。
我們要常常訓練自己，要思維法益，我們的法身慧命才能得到法水潤澤；有法水滋潤，我們的法身慧命才得以延長。否則，就會「出家一年，佛在眼前，出家三年，佛在天邊。」阿彌陀佛！
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When we had to write essays as children, I remember that the teacher often gave us the topic, “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up.” Once when the teacher assigned this topic, many students wrote that they wanted to become teachers when they grew up. As the teacher read the papers one by one, she smiled in satisfaction. However, when she read mine, her expression changed and she called to me, “Come here!” I went up to her, and she asked in a loud voice, “You want to act in Taiwanese folk plays when you grow up?” The whole class broke into laughter and looked up at me. Blushing in embarrassment, I looked down and thought, “What’s wrong with that? If those plays are bad, why does everyone love to see them?”
Taiwanese folk plays are a local feature. In earlier days, outdoor plays would be staged for thanking the spirits at weddings. Having grown up in such an environment, I learned the roles of the leading young man or young woman, the gestures, the singing styles, and the tunes and was able to act and sing like a professional. I didn’t know the principle behind why Mencius’ mother moved three times, and only learned that story through seeing it in a play. In my young heart, singing in folk plays was my first aspiration.
This aspiration did not cease until I began studying international trade in a vocational high school, where I learned about marketing and how to start a company and do international import/export. In such an atmosphere, my mind was filled with “Money! Money! Money!” and I developed my second aspiration in life—to be a rich woman.
As chance would have it, I joined the school’s Buddhist Society. Buddhism left me feeling refreshed. When the Venerable Master came to Taiwan in 1989, the Society’s teacher advisor suggested that I take refuge. Although I didn’t know the Master, I rather blindly went and took refuge.
Strangely enough, after I had taken refuge, I stopped liking money so much. Originally I wanted to be a famous tycoon, but that aspiration faded. I began to search for the meaning of life; I felt there was a deeper level of purpose to life. That’s when I had my third life aspiration—to become a nun. After graduating from school and entering into society, I had encountered various trials and tribulations in dealing with people and events, as well as seeing relatives and neighbors die suddenly. I had experienced the ephemeral nature of life, which strengthened my resolve to leave the home life.
On New Year’s Day in 1997, I spent my long holiday at the Dharma Realm Buddhist Books Distribution Society in Taipei, bowing the Emperor of Liang’s Repentance. The bowing left a deep impression on me, compelling me to apply to come to the United States to attend another Dharma assembly. After that assembly, I stayed here and left the home life.
From a householder to a monastic, and now becoming a fully ordained Bhikshuni, I feel like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly destined to fly even higher and farther in the future. During the 108-day precept period, we attended over a hundred classes and learned many concepts about the precepts. There are two core aspects to the precepts: the first is the essence of the precepts, and the second is the consideration of time and place.
When the Buddha established the precepts, he did so according to the violations his disciples committed. That happened in a different time and place, and some of the precepts no longer apply to today’s Sangha. However, if we can apprehend the essence of the precepts laid down by the Buddha, we will be able to apply the precepts in a dynamic way, without getting stuck in overly literal interpretations.
The Venerable Master always taught us to rely on the Dharma, rather than any particular individual. China underwent numerous changes of dynasties. This was because China’s government depended on the person in the lead, rather than on laws. If an emperor died, his dynasty perished with him. The Buddha often told us to take the precepts as our teacher, because after the Buddha passed away, the Sangha had to carry on as usual.
We should constantly train ourselves to reflect upon the benefit of the Dharma and upon the wisdom-life of our Dharma body, so that we can be nourished by Dharma water. Moistened by Dharma water, our Dharma body’s wisdom-life will be prolonged. Otherwise, it will be like the saying, “The first year after we leave the home life, the Buddha is right in front of us. Three years later, the Buddha is far away on the horizon.” Amitabha!
(The End)
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