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上人在美國1993年來信叫我來，還叫我找她一塊來，郵了路錢來。她不來，後來她姐叫她來，她簽證老簽不上，沒來成。
我離開法華寺後上我堂哥堂嫂家。我堂嫂安排我嫁人，對方是「大地主」出生，「成份」不好，人也不好，原來還抽大煙，又懶，婚後的日子就別提了。
東北的大地主，祖上許多都是南方（關內）來的奴才。南方來的奴才一到東北就發財，因為東北地大人少，滿清時代只要你肯種地，你來就給地，還給牛。奴才會做事，現在逃出來了，幹出來的活都是自己的，不幾年就都發財了，以後就成了大地主。
那時候兒每年都有幾次鬥爭會，每次搞運動就鬥爭我，因我出過家，信佛吃素搞迷信，有污點；白孝子又是我師父，鬥爭時就審我白孝子在哪兒。
一天家裡來了一幫人，黑壓壓都帶著槍，拽我走，要問話；敲鑼敲鼓聚了一大幫人，問我罵了共產黨什麼？後來有人告訴我，說是我婆婆告狀說我罵了共產黨。我心裡那份難受就別提了，從那以後我沒跟我婆婆講過一句話。我前生的業必定不太好，那時我幾次想跳井。
有一回，他們剝了我衣服，就剩裡面的衫褲（長褲），讓我站外頭凍著。後來讓我進來時，我也硬氣，不肯進來，結果他們拿槍押我回家，怕我自殺。
我63歲那年，一天忽然吃不下東西，吃 就胃疼，我不讓兒女送醫院，拖至晚上我昏迷了，才讓他們給送進醫院。在那之前我已經不太吃得下東西了，吃下就胃疼，也沒去治。住城裡，給公家做事，在工廠裡做事，才有保險；農村沒保險，看病得自己花錢。
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The Venerable Master wrote to me in 1993 asking me and Wang Muchun to come to the United States. He even sent some money to cover the travelling expenses. But Wang Muchun didn't want to come. Later on, her older sister told her to come, but she couldn't get a visa.
I went to my cousin's house after I left Dharma Flower Temple. My cousin's wife arranged a marriage for me. The man was a landlord— a rather shady character who did not have a good background. He also smoked opium and was lazy, and so our life after the marriage goes without saying.
Many landlords in Manchuria were descendants of slaves from the South who had become wealthy after coming to Manchuria. Since Manchuria was vast and sparsely populated, people who were willing to farm during the Qing Dynasty could receive free land and free oxen from the government. Since slaves knew how to work, they were able to make a living after they ran away. They became rich after a few years and eventually turned into landlords.
There were some inquisitions (literally "struggles") every year at that time. Each time when there was a movement, I would be subject to an inquisition. Since I had been a Buddhist nun and a vegetarian, they regarded me as a superstitious person. They would demand to know Filial Son Bai's whereabouts during the inquisition since he was my teacher.
One day, a group of people carrying guns came to my house and dragged me off, saying they had some questions to ask me. After they had gathered a number of people by hitting the gong and drum, they asked me to confess how I had slandered the Communists. Someone told me afterward that my mother-in-law had reported me for slandering the Communists. I won't say how sad I felt, but I never said another word to my mother-in-law after that. I must have created bad karma in my previous life. Several times I thought of committing suicide by throwing myself into a well.
Once, they stripped me of my outermost clothing and left me standing in the cold in my shirt and pants. A while later they allowed me to go in, but I stubbornly refused. In the end, they were afraid that I might commit suicide, so they forced me in with their guns.
One day when I was 63 years old, I suddenly could not eat. My stomach hurt whenever I ate. However, I refused to let my children take me to the hospital. They took me to the hospital only after I passed out that night. Before that, I could not eat and would get a stomachache if I did, but I didn't see a doctor. Only people who lived in the cities and work in the government or in factories had insurance. There was no insurance in a farm village, and we had to pay for ourselves.
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醫生一檢驗，說是食道癌。我連水都嚥不下，更別說吃東西了，只有打點滴；21天滴水不沾，躺那兒閉著眼不能動，人都以為我昏迷了。其實我心裡清清楚楚，就是全身沒一絲力氣，別說講話，連抬眼皮的力氣都沒有。我不想死，我還想修行；我要找我師父，我不知道我師父在哪，是死是活，我不甘心。我心裡說，「師父！師父！救救我！」我成天這麼心裡講，我心裡是明白的。
有一天大白天，我閉著眼，忽然看見上人進我房裡來，坐我床沿拿拂塵在我身上撢了幾下。我即刻就覺得胸口輕鬆了，我知道自己病好了，上人給我治好了。我有力氣抬眼皮了，我睜開眼，屋裡沒上人，可我有力氣說話了。我對我女兒說，「我病好了。我要回去了。我師父來過了，給我治好了。」
醫生說，「別聽她的，她說胡話。」都不讓回去，說，「妳再住幾天，回去要是不好了，不能急救。」我知道我病好了，吵著要回去：吵到晚上，他們拗不過我，叫了車，我兒子揹我上車帶回去了，到家十一點。到家我吐了，吐出的膿和血有兩杯，真難聞！吐完又好了一截，知道餓了，要了半碗稀粥喝，才睡下。
以後一天比一天好起來，過了十來天再去檢查，癌沒了！醫生都說奇怪，說，「妳這命是撿來的，這病是該死的。」
毛澤東死後，鄧小平上臺的第二年（1979），廟恢復了，拜佛也可以了。一天，我一個遠房表弟李英傑--他爹就是李勝璽，是我表舅，我媽的遠房族弟--跟我說，「姐，極樂寺修好了，妳來看看，就住我家。」極樂寺在哈爾濱城裡，他家那時住城裡。以後我到極樂寺那兒住，刷碗學認字，我那《地藏經》就在那兒學會念的。
李英傑小時，他媽服磠水自殺，就他上我家來求上人救他媽。那時他8、9歲，上人都講過。
一天，極樂寺的宗廣和尚問我想不想皈依，我說我有師父了。他問是誰，我說上安下慈。
「妳師父在哪妳知道嗎？」他問。
「不知道。」
「妳師父在美國。好大的廟！我去過。」我這才知道上人還在。
我們都盼上人回來，可上人不回來，一直到1993年6月1日我到了美國，才又見到上人。20歲左右我在三緣寺剃頭，69歲在美國再見上人，隔了近半個世紀。那天在長提聖寺再見上人時，恍如隔世，哪想到還會有這天！那年9月5日上人又讓我落了髮，落髮時上人告訴我，以後我還會有困難，叫我要忍。
不知什麼因緣，我出家的路竟得這麼走！
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The doctor examined me and diagnosed esophageal cancer. I couldn't even swallow water, let alone eat. They fed me intravenously. I didn't drink a drop of water for 21 days. I lay in bed with my eyes closed and didn't move. Everyone thought I was unconscious, but actually I was awake. It was just that I had no strength at all and couldn't even open my eyes, much less talk. I didn't want to die; I still wanted to cultivate the Way. I wanted to find my teacher. I didn't know where he was and whether he was alive or not. I was not willing to go yet. I said to myself, "Teacher, teacher, please save me." I repeated this over and over in my mind all day, and my mind was clear.
One day during the daytime, with my eyes closed, I suddenly saw the Venerable Master enter my room. He sat on the edge of my bed and used his whisk to brush my body a few times. I felt instant relief in my chest. I knew the Venerable Master had cured me, and I was able to open my eyes. When I did so, the Venerable Master was gone, but I had the energy to talk. I said to my daughter, "I'm well. My teacher has healed me and I want to go home."
The doctor said, "Don't listen to her, she's just talking nonsense." They wouldn't let me go home and said, "Stay for a couple more days. If your condition worsens at home, it would be difficult to take emergency measures." I knew my illness was over, so I insisted on going home. I kept pestering my family until they couldn't take it any longer, so they hired a taxi. My son carried me to the car. It was eleven o'clock when we arrived home. I vomited two cupfuls of pus and blood when I got back. It was quite smelly! After the vomiting I immediately felt hungry and ate some thin rice gruel before I went to sleep.
I felt better day by day. When I went back for a check-up over ten days later, the cancer was gone. The doctors were all puzzled and said, "You were lucky, your illness should have been fatal."
After Mao Zedong had passed away, the Religion Policy was passed in
the second year of Deng Xiaoping's regime (1979). Buddhist monasteries and temples were restored, and people were allowed to pay homage to the Buddha. One day, my distant cousin Li Yingjie, whose father Li Shengxi was a distant brother of my mother, told me, "Sister, Ultimate Bliss Temple has been rebuilt. You may stay at my house and go take a look" Ultimate Bliss Temple was in Harbin, where he lived at the time. After I went to Ultimate Bliss Temple, I stayed there to help wash dishes and learned how to read. That was where I learned how to recite the Earth Store Sutra.
When Li Yingjie was young, his mother had tried to commit suicide by drinking lye. He was the one who went to my house to ask the Venerable Master to save his mother. He was only eight or nine years old then. The Master spoke of this incident before.
One day, Dharma Master Zongguang of Ultimate Bliss Temple asked me whether I wanted to take refuge with him. I told him that I already had a teacher. He asked who my teacher was, and I told him it was Venerable An Tze.
"Do you know where your teacher is?"
"No, I don't."
"He is in the United States and has a huge monastery, I've been there." That was how I found out that the Venerable Master was still alive.
We had all waited for the Venerable Master to return to China, but he never did. It was not until I came to the United States on June 1, 1993, that I saw him. I had left home at Three Conditions Monastery around the age of twenty. When I saw the Venerable Master again at the age of 69, almost half of a century had gone by. It was as if we were in another world. I had never dreamed of such a day! On September 5th of the same year, the Venerable Master permitted me to leave the home life again. While shaving my head, the Venerable Master told me I would encounter more hardships in the future, and that I should endure them patiently.
I wonder what causes and conditions have determined this path I must walk as a nun.
(The End)
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