一天，我一個人在倉房裡躺著，不是做夢，我看見一群和尚，披的袈裟走著去念經，打木魚、敲引磬，我在後頭跟著。其中一個和尚回頭指著我說，「妳該好了。妳回去了。」我媽再來時我說，「我病好了；好了我要出家。」她也答應了，又看我能說話了，就把我抬回屋裡。等我病全好了，跟媽提出家的事，她不吭聲。我再提，她說，「什麼呀！妳那時候兒有病，說胡話。」就不願意了。
以後上人來時，我跟上人說我要出家，上人答應了；上人答應了，我媽也就不再說什麼了。我又對王慕純講，她比我小兩歲--我不知怎寫她那名字，我沒念過書，不認字--我和她說出家怎好怎好，她媽起先不答應，後來答應了。
家裡答應了，我們就上三緣寺去求跟上人出家，上人也答應了。上人還拿布叫果舜給我們一人做了一套海青。果舜是上人在路邊撿回來的，也跟上人出家，後來自焚了。他以前做裁縫，會縫衣服，後來抽上大烴，又打嗎啡，錢也沒了，就在路邊等死。上人看他可憐，收了他出家，幫他戒了大煙。
那時是「偽滿」時期，日本人統治，使壞，就要中國人抽大煙，打嗎啡，政府廉價供應。等你上了癮，不怕你不傾家蕩產，賣兒賣老婆；東西全賣光了，連身上都沒得穿，就往陽溝裡躲，拿紙條子往身上裹。紙條不管用，溝裡也擋不住風，一開春全都凍死，死時個個齜牙裂嘴，我不敢看。後來八路來了才禁止抽大煙，打嗎啡，強迫戒煙。
那果舜沒量身，給我們做的海青肥得不能穿，不穿也不行，不穿就沒得穿。上人沒給袈裟我們，上人自己都沒袈裟。有了海青，上人就帶我們到三緣寺給我們落髮，給我取的名字是果智、恆慧，給王慕純的是果喜、恆悅；落了髮，上人又親自送我們到哈爾濱市顧鄉區的地藏寺去住。三緣寺是男眾道場，不住女眾。
我們在那兒住了有半年吧，都沒見過上人。一天，我和王慕純，就是恆悅，跑回三緣寺去看上人。上人不在，只有三個老人在那做飯，一問三不知；沒見著上人，我們又回地藏寺去了。我們在那兒一共住不到一年，地方也不平靜，開始有土匪搗亂。記得有一幫是山東人，每天晚上拿了刀在門外拍門要進來，不懷好心。看看實在撐不下去了，當家的說，「散了罷！各走各的。」後來八路軍來了，廟也扒了，沒走的也都給攆走了。地藏寺現在恢復了，我前年（1999）回去還看了。
我離開地藏寺回家去住了沒幾宿，就到我姐那兒去了，住了兩宿我姐帶我到另外一個廟，在阿城縣叫法華寺的去住，都是女眾。那廟是趕經懺的廟，有十多個人，算大的了。當家和尚（女）才四十多歲，叫定慧，挺能幹，心也好。我不說我那件海青果舜做得肥，就她給我改的。她對我和對自己徒弟一個樣，一點兩樣都沒有。她也給了我袈裟，那時我才有袈裟穿，早晚課上殿才穿。
定慧父母是朝鮮人，她在中國生的。原來家裡給她定了親，納了采，她不願意，她爹把她吊起來打。她等傷養好了就逃了，不知到哪個小廟上出了家，魯打魯做地還受氣。有時她外頭接點針線活做，攢了幾毛錢。一天聽說有個華嚴寺還不錯，想去，又不知在哪，就僱了洋車（又叫人力車、黃包車），講好拉到才給錢。結果轉了一圈也沒找著；沒找著又回來了，錢還是給了，全花了。後來她不知怎地就到北京般若寺去了。
那王孝子，也就是常仁大師，後來離開三緣寺就是到的般若寺，也在那兒往生的。
北京般若寺有兩個，一個住男眾，一個住女眾，都挺大的。定慧到的女眾般若寺，那有大樓，還有佛學院，教經懺、唱讚、法器什麼的。可是她沒錢，進不了，佛學院就不讓學；不讓學，她就趴窗外頭從窗縫裡偷著學，她那經懺就那樣學會的。所以她以後教徒弟，徒弟不好好學，她氣得掉眼淚，說，「我把著妳手教，妳還不學。我是怎學來的？我是趴窗縫裡偷著學的。」她可是真聰明，嗓子好，打起手印來那手可軟！那阿城縣當時是小縣城，人不多，也不少，趕經懺的廟就那一家，其他都是老道的廟。
待續 |
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One day I was lying down in the storeroom by myself, and I wasn't dreaming. I saw a group of monks wearing their sashes. They were hitting the fish and bell as they walked, going on their way to recite Sutras. I was following behind them. One of the monks looked back and pointed at me. He said, "You're going to be okay. You should go back." When my mother came in, I said, "I'm getting better. And when I'm well, I want to leave the home life." She agreed, and seeing that I could talk, she had me carried back into the house. When I brought up the matter of leaving home to my mother after I was fully recovered, she remained silent. When I raised the issue again, she said, "What? You were delirious then; you weren't in your right mind." She no longer agreed.
One time when the Master was visiting us I told him that I wanted to leave the home life, and the Master agreed. With the Master agreeing, my mother did not say more. Wang Mucun was two years younger than I was. (I don't know the characters of her name, since I never learned how to read.) I told her how fine it was to leave the home life. Her mother originally disapproved, but later she agreed.
With our families' consent, we went to Three Conditions Monastery to leave home with the Venerable Master. The Master agreed, and gave Guo Shun some cloth to make a black robe (haiqing) for each of us. Guo Shun was a left-home disciple of the Master who later immolated himself. The Master had picked him up off the streets. He had worked as a tailor before and knew how to make clothes. Later he smoked opium and shot morphine, and lost all his money. He was waiting to die on the streets when the Master saw him and felt sorry for him. The Master took him as a left-home disciple and helped him to kick his opium habit.
That was during the Manchukuo era, when the Japanese ruled with malicious intentions. Hoping to get Chinese people hooked on opium and morphine, the government provided these substances at a low price. Once addicted, people were sure to ruin their family fortunes, even selling their wives and children. Having sold everything and having no clothes to wear, they would hide in ditches, covering their bodies with strips of paper. The paper didn't help, however, and the ditches could not keep out the wind. By springtime they would all have frozen to death. I was afraid to look at their corpses grinning with bared teeth. Later the Eighth Route Army came and prohibited opium and morphine, forcing people to quit.
Guo Shun had not taken our measurements, and as a result the black robes he made for us were too wide. Since we had nothing else to wear, we made do with them The Master did not give us kashayas (precept sashes) to wear, for he himself had none. Once we had our black robes, the Master took us to Three Conditions Monastery to shave our heads. He gave me the names Guo Zhi (Fruit of Wisdom), Heng Hui (Always Wise); Wang Mucun was named Guo Xi (Fruit of Happiness), Heng Yue (Always Joyful). After shaving our heads, the Master personally accompanied us to the Earth Store Temple in Guxiang District in the city of Harbin to live, as Three Conditions Monastery was a men's residence and women could not live there.
We lived there for about half a year without ever seeing the Master. One day, Wang Mucun (that is, Heng Yue) and I went back to Three Conditions Monastery to see the Master. The Master was not there; there were only three old people preparing the meal. None of them knew where the Master was. We returned to Earth Store Temple without seeing the Master. Before we had been there for a year, the Eighth Route Army came and there was unrest in the area as bandits prowled and made trouble. I remember that one gang from Shandong would bang on our doors with their knives every night, demanding to be let in. Their intentions were clearly unfriendly When it seemed impossible to hold out any longer, the temple manager told us, "Clear out and disperse! Each of you go your own way!" After the Eighth Route Army came, they took over the temple and drove people out. When I went back to China in 1999, Earth Store Temple had been restored.
After I left Earth Store Temple, I went home for a few days and then went to my older sister's place. Two days later, she took me to live at a nunnery called Dharma Flower Temple in the county of Acheng. The people at that temple specialized in reciting Sutras and bowing repentances for the deceased. It was a sizeable temple with about ten residents. The abbess, Ding Hui, was only forty years old or so and was very capable and good-hearted. Didn't I mention the wide black robe that Guo Shun had made? Well, Ding Hui fixed it for me. She treated me no differently from her own disciples. She also gave me my first precept sash, which I wore for the morning and evening recitations.
Ding Hui's parents were Korean, but she was born in China. Originally, she had been engaged and her family had accepted the engagement present. But when she did not want to get married, her father hung her up and beat her. After she recovered from her wounds, she ran away. Later, she left the home life at an unknown temple. She did plenty of hard physical labor, yet she still got a lot of flak. Sometimes she would do needlework and sell it to earn some money One day, she heard about an Avatamsaka Temple and it sounded like a fine place, so she wanted to go there. Not knowing where the temple was, she hired a rickshaw and made an agreement with driver that she would pay him upon arriving there. They drove in a circle but couldn't find the temple, and she ended up paying him the last of her money Later on, she went to Prajna Temple in Beijing. Filial Son Wang was known as Great Master Chang Ren. After he left Three Conditions Monastery he went to Prajna Temple and eventually passed away there.
There are two Prajna Temples in Beijing. One is a monastery and the other a nunnery. Both of them are very big. The Prajna Nunnery where Ding Hui went had large buildings and a Buddhist academy where people learned to recite Sutras, perform repentances, sing praises, and play the Dharma instruments and so forth. Since Ding Hui had no money, she could not enroll at the academy. Since she wasn't permitted to enroll, she secretly peered through cracks in the window from outside and studied on her own. She mastered Sutra recitation and repentance that way. That was why when her disciples didn't apply themselves, she would be frustrated to the point of tears and say, "I held your hand and taught you, but you still don't study Do you know how I learned? I studied secretly by peering through cracks in the window." Ding Hui was smart and had a good voice. Her hand movements were very agile when she did the mudras. Acheng County was a small place back then. There weren't many people, but not too few either. There was only one temple that specialized in reciting Sutras and performing repentances; all the other temples were Taoist.
To be continued |
