儒家和道家有許多寶貴的思想和佛教是相通的，而儒、釋、道思想對中國及其它亞洲國家有極大的影響，我們不應忘記。
男女不該基於社會地位或財富而結合成為父母親，婚姻需要經營。統計數字顯示這個國家一半以上的家庭以離婚收場；相愛及享樂是一回事，但婚姻需要經營，好跟不好的部份都要接受。在我們解決和孩子之間的問題前，我們必須先解決成人間的問題，要正視問題，處理問題。
從佛教的觀點看，我認為有兩件事對你有幫助，我講出來大家研究一下。我認為禪坐可以幫助你，不管你是作父母親或作為同伴，或對你本人；我也相信因果的道理可以幫助你，也不管你是什麼身份。
我想來談談這兩種方法：靜坐及因果觀念。
這兩者應該同時考慮使用。數十年前我初接觸佛法時，上人就是用這種方法引導我。我告訴你一些原則，你自己照著去參；我再講一點，你再去參，很快我就不必再告訴你太多，因為經由打坐參禪，你自己會有所發現。
我相信我們今天所講的一些理念，就可拿來做為父母的參禪話頭。在你接近孩子之前，也許應該先花點時間來立定自己的腳步。靜坐可以令你安靜下來，也不需很長的時間。像你們這麼忙碌的人不需花太多時間在這上面。當你養成這種習慣時，很快就會見效。禪坐讓你知道自己的生理狀況--很多人失去了這種覺知；尤其是從事忙碌行業的商人，他們通常擔心其他人的生理覺知，而忽略了自己的。
靜坐也可幫助你觀心；經由觀心你可以找到自己是誰。你的觀點是什麼？然後你就可以開始思惟我跟同儕間是什麼關係？跟父母、孩子，更重要的我跟自己的業力是什麼關係？我該怎麼處理？靜坐也幫你接觸到精神面；精神是虛幻的，和一般的活動或業務不同，所以你必須靜下來沉浸其中，你就會認識它，認識它就是你的一部份。
靜坐的另一作用是淨化，大部份時間這過程會令你覺得不太舒服，因為它逼使你面對自己，而我們都有許多不想面對的事，所以我推薦靜坐。我向做父母的推薦，之後也許你可以向你的孩子推薦靜坐。
第二種是目前相當普遍的因果律。多年來在年輕孩子之間--就是我們所擔心的這批孩子之間--已相當流行。他們怎麼說的？「怎麼去；怎麼來。」這話基督教有他們的解釋，這兒我們用佛法的角度來詮釋。你可以用它和受困擾的孩子開始交談，我試過多次。從他們已知的事，用他們慣用的字眼或術語來跟他們交談溝通，再從因果的角度來詮釋事情。「怎麼去；怎麼來」這句流行語正說明了因果觀念，人一點即通，幾乎每個年輕人都懂這話。
對於那些面臨「怎麼就是我呢？」的孩子很有幫助，那就是「過去我所做的，成為現在的我 ；現在我所做的，就是將來的我。」這幾句簡單的話，有時可以達到產生連繫的效果；一旦連繫成功，彼此溝通了，你們就可以深談了。
業有三種：善、惡、無記。我們必須知道業是可以轉的；佛教從不主張業是命定的，也不主張宿命論。我們轉變業力的方法就是用「心」，你可以學習去觀照一件事 - - 在你沒做前，正做時，或已做後，都可觀照。當你靜坐了一會兒後 ，這種能力就會發展出來。當你已經做下了一件事，在處理善後時你仍可以改變業力。如果你掌握的能力漸佳，你可以在做一件事之前改變這個業；當你已經發展出一些禪定的功夫，或者你可以在採取行動之時改變這個業。甚至事情已經做了之後，都仍可以改變它的業力。這就是佛法之妙處。佛法的業力觀永遠充滿希望，所以當你想給絕望的孩子一些正面的思想時，佛法中對於「業」以及「心」的積極的觀點，確會給人希望。
另一點，我和菲律賓那些年輕富家子們交談「欠債還錢」這種觀念頗有效。從佛法角度看家庭，就不那麼有趣了。一個孩子會出生在某一家庭，若非過去他欠父母什麼，便是父母過去虧欠他什麼。我曾花八個月的時間，每星期天和七、八年級的孩子討論他們的現況。他們家境極富裕，卻不覺幸福，對於這種觀點，他們的反應通常是：「嗯，那是他們欠我的。」但我接著問他：「你知不知道什麼時候他們把欠你的債還清了呢？什麼時候變成是你欠他們債呢？下一生再碰面時，該是誰為對方做牛做馬？」你可以和—、二個人先互相交流，孩子們就會開始思考這個問題了，也許他們會變得節儉一些，保守一些，認為也許不需要那麼多物資的東西也一樣可以滿足。你也不知道什麼時候情況會開始逆轉，你這樣跟他們談，大部份孩子聽得進；不需要淡化主題，你直話直說，他們會聽的。他們可能有一些難題反問你，所以你要有準備。但這種談話，他們聽得進。
最後一點我想提的是佛教不僅對人類，對一切眾生都持樂觀態度，因為我們內在都具有非常神聖有靈性的東西。身為成人，我們可以自己發掘，也可以協助孩子去發掘這本有的寶貝。對缺乏自信的人，可以此自性本具的寶貝補救。這寶貝我們稱為「智慧」或「自性」，我們用許多字眼來稱呼它。
假想自己處在與目前不同的情況中，然後積極設法讓自己從目前不理想的狀態向那個目標推進。
因此我認為經由靜坐，經由對因果的基本認識，我們的智慧會自然顯現，我們的靈性在忙碌之中亦不離我們左右。
我們不會一無所獲的，什麼年齡都可打坐。你靜下來就可看清自己與他人間的關係，可以開啟深廣的智慧。對這一點，我有極大的信心。
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Many valuable Confucian and Daoist concepts fit well with Buddhist principle and all three had a great impact on Chinese and other Asian societies. We should not forget about them now.
When two people marry and become parents, it shouldn't just be a marriage of convenience, in terms of making money or social status. Marriage is something you have to work at. When I hear a statistic that says that half the families in this country are divorced, that doesn't exclude the people sitting here. Initial love and enjoyment of one another is one thing, but marriage is something you have to work at. You have to take the good with the bad. Before we can get to the problem of the children, we have to get to the problem of the adults and solve it, or cope with it, or confront it, or admit it.
From a Buddhist perspective, I believe that two things can help. I pass them to you today hoping that you will investigate them and find them useful. I believe that meditation can help you, as a parent, you as a peer, and you as an individual. I also believe that an understanding of cause and effect can help you as a parent, you as a peer, and you as an individual.
I will talk a little about both of these: meditation and cause and effect. I think that they should be confronted, considered, and dealt with simultaneously. When I first encountered Buddhism several decades ago, the approach that our teacher used was a simultaneous one: I will tell you a little principle, and then you go meditate on it. And then I will tell you a little more, and you go and meditate on it. And then, pretty soon I won't have to tell you so much because you will be discovering things during your meditation.
I believe some of the ideas that were presented here today deserve some meditation on the part of parents. Before you even try to approach the child, perhaps you need to take a little time and center yourself. Meditation quiets you down. It doesn't take long. Busy people, as most of you are, don't need to sacrifice a lot of that valuable time. It can work fairly quickly, when you become accustomed to doing it. It centers you. It lets you know yourself physically—many of us do not have body awareness, especially people involved in business and other professions that keep them very busy. They tend to be worried about other people's body awareness and not their own.
Meditation also helps you watch your mind, and by watching your mind you can find out who you are, what your point of view is, and then from that you can start to think about how am I relating to my peer, how am I relating to my parents, or how am I relating to my child, and more importantly, how am I relating to my own individual karma? What am I doing about that? It also enables you to perceive the spirit: it's illusive; it doesn't like too much activity and business, and so you have to quiet down, and then it will settle around you and you will know it, because it is you—it is part of you.
The other thing meditation does is that it cleanses as it purges. It is not pleasant a lot of the time, because it forces you to face yourself, and most of us have a lot of things we would rather not face. And so I recommend it. First of all, I recommend it for the parents. And then maybe you can introduce your child to it.
The second is the law of cause and effect, and already it is prevalent. It has been prevalent for years among the youth, the very youth we're so worried about. What do they say? "What goes around comes around." That phrase might be given a Christian interpretation, but let's make a Buddhist interpretation here. You can start with a kid, and I have done it many times, who is having trouble. Just start with what they already know; what's on the tip of their tongue. The kind of lingo or language they use. And then give it an interpretation in terms of cause and effect. "What goes around, comes around," is one example of how close to understanding cause and effect people are. Almost everybody you meet who is young knows that one.
Another way of saying it which helps young people, when they're confronted with "why me?" is "we are what we have done, and what we do we will become." Using something simple, you sometimes can connect. And if you are successful in connecting, then there can be communication, and you can go in a little deeper.
Karma comes in three kinds: good, evil, and neutral. People need to know that. Karma can also be changed, because Buddhism does not teach that karma is fixed at all—it does not support any idea of predetermination. The way we change karma is with our minds. You can learn to look at event before you have done it, while you are doing it, and after you did it. Once you meditate for a while, you will start to develop this ability. If you have already done something, you still have the after-you-did-it to deal with. You can still change your karma in that stage. You can change it before you did it—when you get better at catching it; you can change it while you are in the act of doing it—once you have developed some samadhi and you get some concentration; but, you can always change it after you have done it. That's the beauty of the Buddhist |
