我選擇「連繫與溝通」為主題，是因為多年來與年輕人相處的經驗。我發現如果我們沒有辦法跟他們產生連繫，就無法跟他們溝通，所以第一步一定要先產生連繫。今天，做父母的都接收到大量的資訊疲勞轟炸，談論如何與子女相處，但我今天想講的是，首先你必須跟他能溝通，然後你們才能交談。溝通，很多時候並不需要說話，孩子或成人之間所使用的，許多強有力的溝通是非語言性的。
你可以從一位好的教練及球隊身上看見這種溝通：寥寥數語，卻包含許多的關心，很多的鼓勵。一位好的教練，可以帶領來自不同文化，不同家庭背景的孩子，用某種方式，激勵他們產生團體精神。我高中時參加鼓樂隊，隊員很好，可是樂隊很差，直到一位從俄亥俄州立大學的教練－－俄亥俄州樂隊是非常好的——到我們學校來指導我們，把我們訓練成一個小型的俄亥俄州立大學樂隊。我不知道他是怎么辦到的，同樣的隊員，一年前極差勁，一年後極出色。這完全要歸功於一位會激勵我們，令我們感動的領導人。
孩子是可以溝通的，但必須先和他接通；你必須找出能和孩子談話的題材，聽他傾訴。如果你是老師，你得和學生談話，傾聽他說話。
如果彼此間沒接通，那談話就會以，「你不懂我說什麼；我不懂你說什麼」落幕。我們雖談了話，但沒溝通，沒有效果。更糟的是，可能產生許多負面情緒，因此身為父母、同儕或朋友，我們必須找出可以交談的方式，然後情況就會大不同了。
今天稍早，密勒博士曾談到佛教中的「別業」；他提到我們每一個人在尚未出生前就已經是一個奇蹟了，並且我們每一個人都不相同。他說我們並不是生而平等的，各人情況不同，這就是各人的別業。因此，為了與彼此產生連繫，我們必須找出彼此共同之處，這樣我們所說所做的才能夠被瞭解。在婚姻關係中尤其可以發現這種被瞭解，或不被瞭解的情形。在美國百分之五十的人無法有效溝通，而這也正是你需要努力之處。
另一種狀況是，雖是溝通，但誤解，通常人無法溝通是因為「我不懂你說什麼；你不懂我說什麼」，而被誤解的溝通則更糟糕，其結果常常是「我以為你是說……。」「你不是說……？」「難道你不是說……？」因而錯誤百出，彼此產生誤會。身為父母、老師或領導人——一種和孩子產生關連的身份，你必須清楚你們之間的溝通是不是成功？我所說的，他是否聽懂了？對方所說的是不是我所聽懂的？如果不是，那麼所謂「溝通」並沒有產生。今天大家所談到的許多美好的道理，都必須在我們和孩子們溝通成功之後，才能傳達給他們。
常常，當溝通不良或意思被誤解時，就會產生「我不再跟你說話了」的情形。這種情形在朋友、父母親、孩子之間都會發生。有一個孩子告訴我，「我爸已經十年沒跟我說話了。」她的父親有十年沒跟她說話了！因為今天的聽眾是亞洲裔，所以告訴各位這個孩子是亞裔美國人。我在亞洲人的團體生活了三十多年，我大概夠資格稱自己是美籍亞洲人了。在亞洲的社會中普遍存在著一種「脫離關係」的狀況：「我不喜歡你嫁（或娶）的人，所以以後二十年我不跟你說話了。」這是實際狀況。
因為相互間沒有交流，完全缺乏溝通，就會導致這類極端退縮的行為——不肯開口，與朋友斷交，與家人脫離關係。
依照過去我與年輕的朋友們，特別是在美國的亞洲人打交道的體驗，我想在這兒提出三項主要溝通障礙。其中之一是代溝，我俗家姊姊教英文，她教的課，過去被稱為是「傻瓜英語」，之後改為「英語補習」，現在稱為「進階英語」，是大一的英文課，在吐桑市（亞利桑那州）。她教三門課，她電郵了許多有關代溝的訊息給我，說她沒有辦法跟這些年輕人溝通，因為在這資訊時代，我們算是過時落伍了。你們，尤其做母親的，若是對電腦一無所知，而大部份年輕人，每天習慣使用電腦術語及電腦程式，一步步進人電腦的世界，這都是他們母親所完全不懂的，因此這中間產生了很大的隔閡。 |
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I have chosen the topic of connecting and communicating, because over the years in dealing with young people, I have found that if we don't have some method to connect to begin with, there will be no communication. The connection is the first step that has to happen. Today, as parents you are being bombarded with a lot of information about how to deal with your children. And I say to you that the first thing you have to do is connect; then you can talk. Communication, however, often does not even involve talking. There are many kinds of very powerful non-verbal communication that children and adults use.
You can see such communication between a good coach and his team: not many words, a lot of heart, and a lot of encouragement. A good coach can take kids from all cultures, all kinds of family backgrounds, and inspire them with something that makes them work as a team. When I was in high school, I played in the marching band. Our team was good, but our band was terrible. Initially, anyway, until a very inspired man from Ohio State University—and Ohio State had a really good band—came to teach at our school. That music director proceeded to make us into a miniature Ohio State University band. I don't know how he did it. We were the same kids that had been in the lousy band the year before. We became a terrific band that year, all because of one leader who inspired us and moved us.
Communication with children can happen, but you have to connect. You have to find that ingredient that makes you able to talk with your child, and listen to your child. Or, as a teacher, to talk and listen to your students.
If we don't have the connecting, and we only have the communicating we often end up with a scenario where you say that you don't understand me, and I say that I don't understand you. We talked, but it didn't connect. Nothing happened. Or worse, a lot of negative feelings took place. And so, as a parent, or as a peer, as a friend, we have to find that way to connect. And it's not going to be the same for each person.
Earlier today, Dr. Miller talked about what Buddhists would call "individual karma". He mentioned how we are a miracle before we are even born, and how each of us is different. He talked about how we are not equal; we are not the same. That is our individual karma. And somehow, in order to connect with each other, we have to find that ingredient that makes us find something in common so our behavior and our words mean something to the other person. We find this in marriage; or we don't. Fifty percent of the people in America don't. It's something you work at.
The other thing that happens is miscommunication. If there's no communication, it's usually the case that "you didn't understand me; I didn't understand you." A miscommunication is almost worse. The results are usually, "Oh but I thought you said..." "Didn't you mean...?" "Wasn't that what you said?" And then, having taken off on something that didn't quite get communicated, a lot of mistakes and misunderstandings can happen. Somehow in being the parent or the teacher or the leader—the figure that a child would relate to—you have to figure out whether or not communication happened. Is what I said what that person heard? And is what that person said what I understood? If not, then the communication is not happening. Before we can take all these wonderful principles that people have talked about today and try to relate them, we have to deal with this issue of how to connect.
Many times, what happens is when communication is faulty, or there is a misunderstanding, we have the situation where "I'm not speaking to you." It happens among friends, among parents, and among children. One child told me, "Oh, my father hasn't spoken to me for the last ten years." Her father hasn't spoken to her for the last ten years?! Since we are addressing an Asian audience, I will tell you this was an Asian-American child. Since I have lived over thirty years in an Asian community, I am probably qualified to be called an American-Asian. Disowning seems to be rather prevalent in Asian society. "I don't like who you married, so I'm not going to speak to you for the next twenty years." This is a very real occurrence.
And so a total lack of communication without any connection can result in this kind of extreme withdrawal—not speaking, breaking up friendships, or disowning family members.
Now I want to suggest that there are probably three major gaps that my experience has taught me when it comes to communicating with young people, and again in my case, specifically young Asian people here in America, but also in their own country. One of them is the generation gap. My sister is now teaching what used to be called "bone-head English," and later "remedial English," and is now called "developmental English." That is freshman college English. She has three full sections of students in Tucson, and she has been sending frantic email messages about the generation gap. She can't communicate with these young people. It's a viable thing. It's viable because we are already old fashioned, especially in this age of information. For many of you, you don't know anything about computers, especially mothers. And for almost every young person, the language and the whole state involved in getting into a computer and going into it layer upon layer and having all the virtual world appear before you is something your mother doesn't know anything about. So there is a great big communication gap there. |
