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行道：行解並進的宗教經驗
美國加州柏克萊世界宗教研究所秋季專題演講
阿比納博士：現在的演講人是恆賢師，已二十七年為比丘尼，是這裡資歷最深的出家眾之一。她是柏克萊加州大學南亞及東南亞研究所博士；Brandeis大學地中海地區研究所碩士。她從女修道人的角度談談身為知識份子的感受。「求知與求道的諧調與平衡」是這次演講會的論題。下一位是恆良師，是出家將近二十年的法總的比丘尼。再下一位是恆懿師，出家已經十年。恆良師和恆懿師要談的都是同一話題。我不多介紹了，還是讓比丘尼們來講罷。
比丘尼恆賢：有人讓我談談個人的經驗，怎樣將學術與求道相結合。有人先在廟裡修行，然後再去世間擴充技能，以出家身份攻讀學位。非常有趣，我的經歷正相反。我不曉得你們跟我的經歷能不能產生關連，但是你們是以學生身份到廟上來，所以我相信你會覺得有關連。另兩位尼師也會談她們的經歷。現在我講講她們跟這所法界佛教大學的因緣。恆良師現任法大的註冊組長，也是我們大學的碩士：比丘尼訓練跟大學的訓練她都通過了。恆懿師來自臺灣，臺灣天主教輔仁大學畢業，法大翻譯系碩士，也曾在法大註冊組工作。我們是從比較不平常的角度來談這個題目，這也是我們三人來這兒的原因。
我現在談談我是怎麼樣對佛教產生興趣的。我出生於加州柏拉圖市，在舊金山灣區長大。父親原是史坦佛大學的教授，後來又轉到柏克萊加大，因此我在柏克萊長大。那時，人們對東方的宗教哲學興趣非常濃厚。在柏克萊高中就讀時，我曾上過一門遠東宗教學的課。當時提到佛教，基本上就是指禪宗。很少有關於大乘的英文書，大家看的都是鈴木大拙的書，現在在錫蘭流行的南傳佛教的書當時卻很多。我一讀之下覺得很有趣，但不如其他宗教，如道家有趣。後來，我明白這些都是我學習大乘的前綠。
即使在進高中以前，我就開始有所疑問。當時或許在學習輪迴，記得有一天我問自己：「我相信不相信輪迴呢？」輪迴意味著生命不止一世。美國的學校大都講究科學，我認真地問：「這與我的科學信仰吻合一致嗎？有意義嗎？」當時，我甚至從所學的科學也得出結論，認為輪迴有道理；因為物質有守恆定律，所以為什麼心神不能守恆呢？如果物質可以轉化成不同的種類或能量，那麼為什麼心神不能一生一生地轉化呢？
我探討心靈時曾有過許多迷惑。為了尋求開悟有人用藥品等等奇異的方法來試驗。有人迷失了方向；對不起，我使用了一些不那麼積極的術語，只是整個情形中確實有一些醜惡的成分。從某一方面講，那個時代的理想已遭背叛。讀一讀六、七十年代寫的書你就會知道人們相信的是什麼，夢想又是怎麼破滅的。有時人會說：「你就跟定了」；因為人們這樣試試，那樣試試，然後就隨緣安定下來度過餘生。有人說我以作比丘尼的生涯安定下來，但我卻是從知識的探求開始的，因為學術環境是我所生所長的背景。
我學習外語為的是想瞭解過去的哲學、神學、宗教；為的是想獲得古人文字中的見地，將其應用於日常生活。我不是說人人都應該像我這樣在語言上下功夫。語言是鑰匙，可從語言角度來理解問題的麻煩是，我在研究文字上所花的時間太多了，走上了岔道。一天，我上梵文Bhagavad Gita（印度教經典）的課。我選學梵文為的是研究印度哲學。一次罷課期間我們在校外上了幾堂課。在校外，我們談話時就沒有那麼正式了。梵文課後，我和班上一位同學探討了心靈的問題。我心有所觸，不久我收到一本佛教雜誌，是第一期〈金剛菩提海月刊〉。那時只有英文版，很小，而且好像是油印出來的。金色的封面代表著中心——地球，還有許多我還不知道的奇特的事物。打開一看，看到了那位梵文課後與我談話的同學的照片。他看上去好像是位隨著主流文化，不重心靈，只追求學術生涯的學生。他也就是現在常來這裡演講的易象乾教授。他告訴我他是個信心很強的，學者型佛教修行人。事實上他是我們廟裡的會員，那時我們的廟叫「佛教講堂」，是我們在中國城最早的一座廟。為了發行這本小小的雜誌成立了金剛菩提海出版社，他就是社長。
這對我真是大開眼界。因為我曾探索過「何為世上重要的事」、「我們應該做些什麼」之類的問題，這本雜誌真可以答覆我的問題。在我上梵文課之前，曾有過一個境界。我看到大學關閉了，有非常珍貴的東西存在裡面，沒法再取出來。我當時在（荷蘭）阿姆特丹徘徊探索。這個境界使我感到要趁早去大學裡把珍貴的東西拿出來。這境界的意義非常清楚，我要去學梵文和中文。以前我曾考慮過學梵文，中文卻沒考慮過。
我就這樣做了，花上了些時間，也從中獲得了相應的利益。當時柏克萊加大允許旁聽，因為六十年代末人都認為公立大學應許可大眾來上課。要註冊已經太晚了，因此我旁聽梵文課，也試聽過中文課。我想馬上學中文文言文，這樣就可以研究其哲學。可學校不同意，一定要我先學上兩年普通中文。到了中文課班上，全是講廣東話的學生，不適合初學者。因此我去學梵文也就遇到易教授，談話中知道他又是上人的弟子。
〈金剛菩提海月刊〉的特點在於它談上人，談生命，談廟，是一個國際性的團體在那兒學習。這對我很有意義，因為這團體沒有與比其更大的「世間學術」這個大團體隔絕。他們那兒許多人是研究生，是易教授從西雅圖華盛頓州立大學帶來聽講的學生。
待續
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Walking the Way: Praxis and Gnosis in Religious Experience
Institute for World Religions Fall Faculty Lectures Berkeley, California
Dr. Akpinar: Our speaker is Heng Hsien Shi, one of the senior Sangha members in our organization who has been a Bhikshuni for twenty-seven years. She holds a doctorate in South and Southeast Asian Studies from the University of California at Berkeley and a Master's in Mediterranean Studies from Brandeis University. She is going to talk about her reflections from the convent as an intellectual. This is in alignment with the lectures our faculty have given this semester on how to adjust one's intellectual life to one's spiritual path, the balance that we find in it. Next to Heng Hsien Shi, we have Heng Liang Shi, who is also one of the Bhikshunis of Dharma Realm Buddhist Association, and who has been a Bhikshuni for almost twenty years. Next to Heng Liang Shi we have Heng Yi Shi, who has been a Bhikshuni for almost ten years. Both Heng Liang Shi and Heng Yi Shi will speak on the same topic. Without further ado, I will let the Bhikshunis speak.
Bhikshuni Heng Hsien:
I have been asked to reflect upon my own experience, and how I have integrated the intellectual or academic aspect of my life with my spiritual path. Some people start on the spiritual path first as monastics who then broaden their skills and go out into the world, pursuing academic degrees as monastics. I have had the opposite experience, and it's a very interesting story. I don't know how much you will relate to it, but as students coming to a monastery I believe you will. The other two nuns here will also share their experiences. Let me expand a bit on their connection with the university. Heng Liang is our registrar for the Dharma Realm Buddhist University, and has a Master's degree from our university, so she's gone through both training as a nun and university training. Heng Yi Shi, from Taiwan, went to Fu Ren University, which is the Catholic university in Taiwan, for her bachelor's degree. She has also spent time as a student at the Dharma Realm Buddhist University. She has a Master's degree in translation from us and also has worked in the registrar's office. We bring an unusual focus to the topic tonight, and that's why all three of us are here to talk tonight.
Now I will explain how I got interested in Buddhism. I was born in Palo Alto and grew up in the Bay Area. My father was a professor at Stanford, then later transferred to Berkeley. I grew up in Berkeley, in an era when there was a lot of interest in Eastern religions and philosophy. As a student at Berkeley High, I had a course in Far Eastern religions. In those days, although the term Buddhism was thrown around, it meant mostly Zen. People were reading Suzuki, and there wasn't much written in English that explained the Mahayana, or great vehicle. There was a lot from the Theravada tradition, which is the religion still actively followed in Sri Lanka. I read this material and found it interesting, but not as interesting as some of the other religions I was reading about at the time, such as Taoism, which was especially appealing to me as a high school student. Later it became clear that it was the connection with Mahayana Buddhism.
Even before high school, however, I began asking questions. For example, one day I remember posing a question to myself—probably because we were studying reincarnation—"Well, do I believe in reincarnation or not?" Reincarnation means that there is more than one lifetime. In the U.S., our schooling was largely scientific, so I was really questioning, "Does this match my scientific beliefs, and does this all add up for me?" At that time, even the scientific principles that I had studied led me to the conclusion that reincarnation made sense because of the conservation of matter. Why shouldn't there also be the conservation of spirit? If matter changed into different forms, including energy, then why shouldn't spirit, from life to life?
During my time of spiritual searching there was a lot of confusion. People were searching for answers with drugs and looking for enlightenment in strange paths. Some people lost their way. I am sorry to talk in less than upbeat terms about it, but there were some ugly elements that came into the picture. The ideals from that time, in some sense, seem to have been betrayed. If you read the books people are writing about the 60's and 70's, you will read about the things people believed in and how the dreams went bad. Sometimes people say to me, "Oh, you stayed with it," because people tried out this and that, and then they settled into whatever they did for the rest of their lives. I settled into being a nun, although I started out on the intellectual path because I was born and raised in the intellectual community.
I studied languages because I was trying to understand the philosophers, theologians and religious voices from the past, to gain insight into the messages of the ancients and a way to apply the insight to life today. I can't say everyone should follow what I did in language. Language is one key. But the pitfall of trying to understand Dharma from the point of view of language is that I spent a lot of time studying the language—so I got sidetracked. One day, however, I ended up in the class on the
Bhagavad Gita in Sanskrit. I chose to
study Sanskrit to understand the Indian philosophies. During a strike, we held some of these classes off campus. When we met off campus, we talked a little more informally. I had a spiritual discussion with one of the members of the class after the Sanskrit lesson. Something clicked, and a while later I received a Buddhist journal in the mail. It was the first issue of the
Vajra Bodhi Sea. At that time the journal was small in size, printed only in English, and looked like it was mimeographed. It was gold in color, representing the center and the Earth and all kinds of special things which I didn't know yet. I opened it and found a photograph of the fellow student with whom I had been having the conversation after the Sanskrit class. In Sanskrit class, he looked very much like an academic, mainstream, non-spiritual student about to pursue an academic career. His name is Dr. Epstein, and he often speaks here. He told me that he was an adherent, or an intellectual scholar and Buddhist practitioner. It turned out he was a member of our temple, which at that time was called the Buddhist Lecture Hall and was in the oldest temple in Chinatown. He was the president of the Vajra Bodhi Sea Society, which had just been formed and was publishing this little journal.
This was a real eye-opener for me. It was a real answer to a question because I had been wandering and searching to understand what was important in this world, and what we were supposed to do. Before I ended up in that Sanskrit class, I had a vision where I saw universities closing down and holding very precious things inside which you could no longer get out. I was in Amsterdam at the time, wandering and searching. The message to me was to go back to the university and get the precious things while I still could. The message was clear. I was to study Sanskrit and Chinese. Although I had considered Sanskrit, I had never considered Chinese before.
So I did just that. It took a little time, but I got back. At that time you could audit at Berkeley because in the late 60's the idea was that the public should be allowed to attend classes at public universities. It was too late to enroll in the term so I audited Sanskrit. I also tried out Chinese. I had the idea that I would study classical Chinese right away so that I could study the philosophy. But they didn't allow me to do that. I had to take two years of Mandarin. So I went to the Mandarin class, which was filled with Cantonese speakers learning Mandarin; it was not a place for a beginner. I studied Sanskrit instead and ended up in the discussion with Dr. Epstein, who turned out to be a disciple of our Master.
The special thing about the Vajra Bodhi Sea was that it talked about the Master, the spiritual life, and the temple. An international group studied there, and it was meaningful for me that they were not cut off from the larger intellectual community of the world. Many of them were graduate students, many of whom had been at the University of Washington and came down to attend the session under the guidance of Dr. Epstein.
To be continued
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