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朋友之間的維繫，不是只靠感情就成的，還得有「義」存乎其間：若單靠感情，這樣的交往只能濃郁一時，卻不會芬芳久長。朋友是這樣，古代的君臣或現時社會的雇主和員工關係也是這樣；甚至夫婦之間，還是一樣要以義相合，才能維繫得長久而和諧。所謂：
「君子之交淡如水，小人之交甜如蜜」
；誰能天天吃蜜糖而不膩呢？水雖淡而無味。卻不可一日或缺。既然以上這些人倫關係都得靠「義」來維繫，而義者，宜也；什麼又是最適宜的呢？那就是要互相勸善規過。我們若是一味愛護，有過不規，就是自己虧了義氣；更糟的，對方還可能因了我們的縱容、姑息，而一錯再錯，終至身敗名裂，那這又該是誰的過錯呢？
有位十分寵愛兒子的母親，兒子小時偶而打架偷東西，她都護短說：「孩子還小，不懂事！再說又不是犯了什麼大不了的錯！」就一味姑息。兒子越大，偷得越多，越厲害，母親就想管也已管不了，只好由著他，甚至更幫他掩飾。終至兒子犯下滔天重罪被處死刑。臨刑，孩子要求母親再餵他吃口奶；結果他狠狠地咬下母親的奶頭，母親痛得差點沒昏過去。死刑犯也哭了，對母親說：「你若早知道痛，在我小時就管教我；我哪裏會墮落到這地步呢？你是用你的愛害了我啊！」
相反的，我們若能恪盡言責，不但守住義理，對方也因此道德增上，那真是雙方的福氣！所以，能規勸人，固然是有才有德；能接受規勸，更是有德有量。
漢朝中興之主光武帝，便是有德有量的君主。有一回光武帝出郊打獵，獵得高興了，竟忘了時間已晚；車騎回到東城門口時，已是半夜了。鎮守上東門的郅惲就是不開門；而且，第二天早朝時郅惲更直言指責皇帝有二過：知法犯法是其一，畋獵無度是其二。光武帝畢竟是個英明有為的君主，非但沒生氣，還當眾認錯，又賞賜郅惲一百疋布，以嘉獎他的盡職。
前面也曾提到過，唐代最英明有為的皇帝太宗，也有個最直言敢諫的魏徵；太宗對魏徵擇善固執的精神十分欣賞，魏徵也相當欽佩唐太宗的器量，因此只要唐太宗的言語行為有任何不當，魏徵必定直言進諫，唐太宗也都能虛心接受。
此外，太宗還有位長孫皇后，更是唐太宗的賢內助。有一回唐太宗得到一隻名貴的小鷹，十分喜愛，便拿在手上把玩著，並訓練小鷹一些技能。正玩在興頭上外面通報魏徵覲見。唐太宗心想：真是煩！什麼時候不好來，就偏揀在這時辰？待會兒讓這老頭子見了，一定又要囉嗦個半天，講什麼「玩物喪志」的大道理。於是把小鷹藏在衣袖裏，準備早點兒打發魏徵走。不料魏徵眼尖，早就看到唐太宗的動作，因此故意大事小事談了一件又一件，說個沒完；唐太宗心裏發急，又不能不應付他。等到魏徵終於告退，唐太宗才噓了口氣；一看，小鷹卻已悶死了。唐太宗雖然懊惱，卻不敢怪罪魏徵，因為他太想做好一個能納諫的賢君，只好不再玩小鳥了。
又有一次，長樂公主出嫁，唐太宗最疼這個長孫皇后親生的女兒；因此命令備禮要隆重，嫁粧甚至多過另一位不是皇后親生的永樂公主。魏徵又說話了：「疼愛之情雖有差別，同是公主的身份卻是一樣的，不可以失了禮制。」唐太宗只好聽從。回宮後告訴皇后，不料皇后不但沒感覺失望，反而讚歎說：「以前陛下敬重魏徵，妾未知其故；現在聽了這番勸諫，才知道魏徵真不愧是國家的重臣！」
又一次，唐太宗終於受不了魏徵不留情面的勸諫，下朝回宮仍怒不可遏，便說：「朕非殺了那個鄉下老頭子不可！」長孫皇后忙問：「誰啊？」唐太宗又氣又委屈地說：「還有誰！就是那頑固的老傢伙魏徵啊！每次在朝廷當面侮辱我，我皇帝的尊嚴擺哪兒啊？」長孫皇后默然退下，換上了大禮服，恭敬地站在庭階上；皇帝十分不解。
皇后就說：「妾聽說君主如果聖明，臣子自然正直。今天魏徵這樣正直，全是因為陛下聖明之故，怎麼可以不道賀呢？」高帽子一戴，唐太宗哈哈大笑，自然心開意解了。長孫皇后運用智慧，不但保住丈夫的顏面，更保全了魏徵的老命，使他還有機會繼續直言強諫。所以內能有賢后婉勸，外能納賢臣直諫，這應是唐太宗所以能成為一代明君的原因。明君、德后、賢臣，都流芳青史、相得益彰，豈不印證了「善相勸，德皆建」嗎？
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Friendship is based on more than affection; a sense of duty should also exist between friends. A friendship based solely on affection will be strong only for a while; the good feelings will not last long. Not only is this true of friendships, it also applies to the relationship between kings and officials of old and between managers and workers of modern society. Even between husband and wife, there must be a sense of duty to make the relationship long-lasting and harmonious. There is a saying:
The relationship between superior people is as plain as water.
The relationship between petty people is as sweet as honey.
Who could eat honey day after day and not get tired of it? Water is plain and flavorless, yet we cannot go without it for a single day. All of the above relationships are based on duty, and "duty" is defined as what is appropriate. What is the most appropriate way to act? It is to urge one another toward goodness and correct one another's faults. If we merely love and protect our friends but fail to exhort them to change their faults, we will have been lacking in integrity. Even worse, due to our leniency our friends may make one mistake after another until they are totally ruined. Who is then at fault?
Once there was a mother who adored and spoiled her son. When he was little, he would sometimes fight or steal, but she would defend him, saying, "He's still young and doesn't understand anything. Anyhow, he hasn't committed any serious wrongdoing." She was always lenient with him. The older he grew, the more he stole and the craftier he became. Eventually the mother had no way to discipline him. She could only let him do as he pleased; she even helped cover up for him. Finally the son committed a major crime and was sentenced to death. Before his execution, he requested his mother to feed him her breast milk. When his request was granted, he fiercely bit off his mother's nipple. She nearly fainted from the pain. The criminal also wept and said to his mother, "If only you could have felt the pain earlier and disciplined me when I was little, would I have ended up like this? Your love has ruined me!"
Conversely, if we speak when we are supposed to, not only do we maintain our integrity, we cause others to develop their morality, resulting in blessings for both sides. If we are able to exhort and remonstrate with others, we have both talent and virtue. If we can accept others' remonstrance, we are both virtuous and tolerant.
Emperor Guangwu, whose reign was in the middle of the Han Dynasty, was an example of virtue and tolerance. Once the emperor went out hunting and was so engrossed in the pleasure of the hunt that he did not notice the time. When his carriage reached the east gate of the city, it was already midnight. The guard refused to open the gate. The following morning, the guard bluntly admonished the emperor for two faults: first, knowing the rule and breaking it; second, hunting without restraint.
Emperor Guangwu, being a wise and great ruler, did not get angry, but openly acknowledged his mistakes and presented the guard with a hundred bolts of cloth to reward him for his dutifulness.
Earlier we mentioned the greatest and most talented emperor of the Tang Dynasty, Taizong, and his minister Weizheng, who was known for his frankness and courage to criticize. Emperor Taizong appreciated Weizheng's faithful adherence to goodness, and Weizheng admired Emperor Taizong's magnanimous character. Therefore, whenever the emperor's words or behavior were the slightest bit inappropriate, Weizheng would speak up right away and the emperor would humbly accept his remonstrances.
Emperor Taizong had an empress, Chang Sun, who was also a worthy helper to him. One time the emperor obtained a precious young falcon. He adored the bird and held it in his hands and played with it, trying to teach it some tricks. Right then, word came that Weizheng was requesting to see him. The emperor thought, "What a bother! He always comes at the most inconvenient time! Once the old man sees the bird, he'll go on and on about how trifling with amusements is a waste of energy." Thereupon the emperor hid the young falcon inside his sleeve, thinking to quickly send Weizheng off on some pretext. He didn't realize that Weizheng's sharp eyes had noticed his movement, and that the official deliberately brought up large and small matters one after another. It seemed that he would never finish. Taizong was getting anxious, but he could not refuse to listen. When Weizheng finally took his leave, Taizong let out a sigh of relief. However, the little falcon had already died of suffocation. Although Taizong was regretful, he dared not blame Weizheng because he wanted so badly to be a worthy ruler who could accept criticism. In the end, he had to give up the hobby of raising young birds.
Another time when Princess Chang Le, Emperor Taizong's most beloved daughter of Empress Chang Sun, was to get married. The emperor ordered especially elaborate gifts and ceremonies. In fact, her dowry surpassed that of Princess Yong Le, who was not the Empress' own daughter. As usual, Weizheng had something to say: "Although your affections differ, they are of equal rank as princesses and you should not ignore the rules of etiquette." Taizong had no choice but to listen. When he returned to the palace and told the empress, to his surprise she was not disappointed, but rather praised the minister, saying, "In the past I did not understand why Your Majesty respected Weizheng so highly, but after hearing his exhortation, I realize that Weizheng is truly worthy of being an important official of the country."
Another time, Taizong had had it with Weizheng's merciless admonishments. He left the court and returned to his palace quarters in fury, saying, "I've got to take that old country bumpkin's life,and that's that!" Empress Chang Sun asked in haste, "Who are you talking about?" The emperor, with anger and indignance, replied,
"Who else? That stubborn old fellow Weizheng! He always insultsme to my face in court. Where has my dignity as the Emperor gone?"
The empress silently withdrew, changed into formal ceremonial dress, and stood respectfully on the courtyard steps. The emperor was totally puzzled.
The empress said, "I've heard that if the emperor is noble and wise, his ministers will naturally be forthright. Today Weizheng was so frank all because Your Majesty is noble and wise. How could I not offer congratulations?" Once he heard the praise, Taizong laughed and understood. With her wisdom, the empress not only saved face for her husband, but more importantly, saved old Weizheng's life, allowing him to continue to exhort the emperor.
The reason Taizong was such an eminent emperor was that he had a worthy empress who offered gentle advice, and he could listen to his worthy minister's straightforward exhortations. This wise emperor, virtuous empress, and worthy minister shall all be remembered in history as complementing one another. Is this not proof of the verse, "If we urge one another toward goodness, then we will all develop our virtue"?
The End
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