我們一般的禮貌，在即將進入他人房間、廳堂等處，還會想到先問一聲「有人在否」，或者敲敲門；但是在自己家裏，就往往忘了這樣做。其實，人最覺放心之處，常常是最易惹出禍端之處。即便是在自家廳堂或一己的房間，只要同個屋頂下還有第二個人存在，進入之際先發聲相詢，或是出聲示警－－譬如加重腳步或輕咳兩聲－－總是好的；若是在辦公的處所，進出或經過他人辦公室時，更應謹記這點。為什麼呢？因為萬一裏面真的有人，就可避免驚嚇到那個人，這是一種禮貌；不僅如此，也可以保護他人隱私，甚而保護住自己的身心性命。所謂「知人隱私者，禍必先及之」；如果他人在屋子裏所說所做的，是不可以或不願意他人看見、知道的事情，被你冒冒失失地闖進來瞧見、聽到，事態輕者，彼此感覺尷尬；嚴重者，自己就有危險了！古今中外，因不小心撞見他人隱私，或無意間聽到他人祕密，以至被誣賴、陷害，小者丟財去職，大者家破人亡，甚者全家遭殃的，真是大有人在。能不戒慎嗎？
戰國時代的孟子，是個把儒學傳揚光大的哲人，後世尊他為「亞聖」，以示他是大成至聖先師孔子以來的第二人。孟子婚後，有一次自外回家，也沒敲門就入房，他的妻子正巧在換衣服，來不及穿好；孟子氣沖沖地掉頭就走，向母親說媳婦不懂禮，要把她休掉。所謂休掉，在古代的男權社會裏，是一種極不平等的單向離婚，只能由男方提出，簽名就算數。女方毫無辯駁餘地，只能帶著隨身衣物回娘家；而娘家人又往往引以為恥，被休的婦女大都含怨和淚度其餘生，或是自盡。當然，男人也不是隨便可以休妻的，必須是妻子犯了重大的敗德行為，即所謂的「七出之罪」；只不過它常常被有些挑剔的惡婆婆或喜新厭舊的丈夫利用，加以「莫須有」之名，而造成無數悲劇。
孟子當然不是這種人，他只是根據那個時代對婦德的標準，認為妻子不知禮。幸好他有個賢明的母親，詳細問明原因，就反問他：「你進屋前有沒有先問一聲呢？」孟子答沒有。孟母於是責備他：「書經上說，將進門時，要問誰在裏面；要入廳堂時，要高聲說話；進房間時，視線要下垂。這就是說不要趁人不備時，去找人家的過錯。你既沒敲門，她自然不知道你要進去；今天的情形，不懂禮的是你自己呀！」孟子聽了非常慚愧，急忙向妻子道歉。這故事的背景及那些古早的婦德標準我們暫不予置評，單就事論事，以孟子之賢，尚且險些因此不慎而釀成家庭悲劇，何況是我們一般的人？
此外，敲門、按電鈴，或者打電話時，也應該先自我報名號；若對方先問起，也要把自己姓氏名號說清楚。常見有些人就只是萬分親熱地答應：「是我呀！還記得我嗎？」或者是故作俏皮地說：「猜猜我是誰？」唉！這才真正是「忘了我是誰」了！你以為自己是個什麼特殊人物啊？要是人家想不出或猜不著你是誰，豈非自討沒趣？
談到自我報名號或署名，這都是有規矩的。舉例說吧！若是打電話或寫信給老師，除非是常在跟前的入室弟子，否則總要連名帶姓報上；若不是應屆生，還得報上自己是某某年次某級某班的學生，否則如何令桃李滿天下的老師知道你是誰呢？對於朋友、同事或上司，除非是熟得不能再熟的，否則也要連名帶姓報上，甚至還要報出工作單位。對於父母及同姓尊長，只要先稱呼對方，再自報名或小字，不用道姓；道姓則不但見外，且貽笑大方。對於異姓外戚，要先稱呼對方，再自報正名；若久不見面或較疏遠的，不但要報姓，還要提示出自己的父母祖先。
對於晚輩親戚，自稱稱謂即可；對於下屬、學生，則在頭銜上還要加姓以示區分，不必道名。這是比較傳統式的；現代人喜歡民主自由，不愛這許多拘束，不論長晚輩或上下屬之間，總是互相稱名而已，並不尊稱其姓，更不加頭銜；不過對親長，還是加上尊敬的稱謂為得體。若是在規模龐大的公司，對於屬下，尊稱其姓，可以顯出自己的身分和教養；對於非直屬的頭頂上司，更以尊稱其姓為妙，以免被「炒魷魚」(解雇)。總之，時代雖變，禮不可缺廢。人而無禮，猶樹之無皮；無禮則無體，其於禽獸何異？ |
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Before entering a room or a hall, it’s common courtesy to ask: “Is anyone there?” or to knock on the door. However, we usually forget to do this at home. In fact, wherever we feel most comfortable is where we’re most liable to get in trouble. Even if it’s our own living room or bedroom, as long as there are other people in the house, it’s better to ask or make a warning sound—with heavy footsteps or light coughing—before entering. This is especially important when entering or passing others’ offices at work, to avoid scaring anyone who happens to be inside. It’s a basic courtesy. It’s also a way to protect others’ privacy and our own minds and lives. There’s a saying: “Those who know others’ secrets are sure to get into trouble.” If you carelessly rush in and discover people saying or doing things they don’t want others to know about, you’ll both be embarrassed and your life might even be in danger. People who accidentally intrude on others’ privacy or overhear secrets often get framed or slandered. In minor cases, they may lose their jobs and fortune; in major cases, they may get killed and bring ruin and misfortune upon their whole family. This happens all the time, so we’d better be careful.
Mencius, a philosopher who propagated the teachings of Confucius during the Warring States Period, is honored as the Lesser Sage, for he was second to the Greatest Sage and Teacher, Confucius. After getting married, Mencius returned home one day and walked into the bedroom without knocking. His wife happened to be changing clothes and had no time to get dressed properly. Mencius was furious and walked out right away. He complained to his mother that her daughter-in-law had no propriety and said he wanted to divorce her. Divorce was an extremely unfair custom in the patriarchal society of ancient China. Only the husband could initiate divorce proceedings, and his signature was enough to make the divorce official. The wife had no right to protest; all she could do was pack up her personal belongings and return to her parents’ home. What was worse, her relatives were usually ashamed of her. Most divorced women bore deep grudges for the rest of their lives and some even committed suicide. Of course, a man could not casually divorce his wife, but only when she had committed serious licentious acts known as the Seven Divorce Offenses. Unfortunately, these were often misused by a picky mother-in-law or when the husband loved another woman. By charging the wife with these offenses, they caused numerous tragedies.
Of course, Mencius was not such a bad man. He simply thought that according to the standards of women’s virtue of the time, his wife had been ill-mannered. Fortunately he had a wise mother who questioned him in detail: “Did you ask before you went into the bedroom?” Mencius said he hadn’t. She then admonished him, “The Book of History teaches us that we should ask, ’Who’s there?’ before going into a room. We should also speak in a loud voice before entering a hall. When we step into a room, we should keep our gaze downcast to avoid finding others’ faults when they aren’t prepared. Since you didn’t knock, of course she didn’t know you were entering. You were the one who was impolite!’ Hearing this, Mencius felt very ashamed and immediately went to apologize to his wife. For now we won’t discuss the background of this story or the ancient standards for women’s virtue. This story was told to illustrate that even a man as worthy as Mencius nearly caused a family tragedy due to his carelessness; how much more liable are we ordinary people to make such mistakes?
In addition, when we knock at a door, ring the doorbell, or make a phone call, we should give our own name. If the other party asks first, we should also clearly tell that person our name. Quite often, people reply in a very familiar manner: “It’s me! Remember me?” Or they respond with a wisecrack: “Guess who?” This is really “forgetting who one is”! So you think you’re someone special? If that person can’t figure out who are you, aren’t you just asking for trouble?
When you introduce yourself and give your name, there are certain rules to follow. Here are a few examples. When you call or write to your teacher, you should give both your first and last names unless you are a student on very familiar terms with him/her. If you are not a graduating student, you should give your grade and class. Otherwise, how can a teacher who has so many students possibly know who you are? When addressing friends, colleagues, or your boss, you should also give your full name and even your department, unless you are a very close friend. When you meet parents and elder relatives with the same surname, you can first greet them and then give your first name or nickname without the surname. If you say your surname to them, it sounds too formal and you’ll get laughed at.
When addressing relatives of different surnames, first greet them, then say your full name. If you have not seen them for a long time, you should say your surname and mention your parents and grandparents as well. To relatives of a younger generation, you may simply give the title by which they should call you. To subordinates or students, you should give your title and surname without the first name. These are some of the more traditional manners of addressing people.
People nowadays prefer to be more free and dislike being tied down by conventions. Elders and young people as well as bosses and subordinates usually call each other by first name without saying the surname and title. However, it is proper to address elder family members using the titles of respect. If you work in a large company, you may call your subordinates by their surnames to show your status and education. And it’s better to respectfully address your superiors by their surnames to avoid getting fired. In general, the times may change, but propriety cannot be abolished. People without a sense of propriety are like trees without bark. Without propriety we’d have no essence, and being this way, how would we be different from animals? |
