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我在中國文化大革命的年代裡長大的，高中畢業後來到美國。在中國時，我幾乎沒有聽說過「佛教」，因為宗教是不被允許的。記得小時候，有一次祖母的朋友（一位令人尊重的長者）來訪，祖母突然問她：「若人死後，是怎麼一回事？」她神秘地看著祖母，後對她耳語著：「你會待在陰間兩百年，然後再來輪迴！」這是我頭一次聽到有關「死亡」和「陰間」。她的話語是如此篤定地令我害怕。我內心裡充滿了「為什麼？」的疑問！但因我尚年幼而不准問問題。然而，我對生與死的疑問被啟開了。
在美國唸大學時，我選了生物和哲學的課程，希望能得到我期待已久的答案。但我所學到的是死亡之心理過程和身體上的變化。對於信仰宗教的粗淺解釋，我並不滿意，並且覺得真正的答案變得更難探尋。畢業後，就把這個問題擱下了。就在生活舒適愜意的日子當中，我先生突然得了癌症，一年半之後過世。在他病期當中，我急欲尋求生死的答案，從沒像此次如此的強烈。死亡不再是別人的不幸，它的手已經伸向我，我也幾乎能觸及到它。
此時，一位朋友跟我談及師父上人。在我先生過世前兩個月，我們全家第一次見了師父。師父念了一首偈，並且對我丈夫說了一些話。那是一次非常震撼的經驗。兩個月之後，先生在我於他身邊念誦「地藏菩薩本願經」時，安詳的往生。
自此之後，我多接觸了一些佛學，雖然還沒找到我要的答案，但我深信自己走對了路，而師父則是指引我的明燈。初次閱讀師父的開示錄時，覺得它很平常。然而漸漸地，當我拿起重讀時，總會發現新的義理，並有新的體悟。我也開始研讀一些佛經，我相信這是師父的指引。這世界處處充滿了誘惑，也是一種考驗，或許我會掙扎、失敗，但我已立志要找出生命的最終真相。我懇求師父，作為我的明燈，直到我得到答案。 |
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I grew up in China during the Cultural Revolution years and came to the United States after graduating from high school. I had barely heard of Buddhism during my years in China since no religion was permitted. I remember one time during my childhood when a very respected friend of my grandmother came to visit. Grandmother suddenly asked the friend what would happen if someone died. Her friend gave a very mysterious look and whispered in Grandmother's ears: "You stay in the nether world for two hundred years and reincarnate back here." It was the first time that I heard about a discussion on death and the nether world. Her tone had such a final ending to it that it scared me. Why? My mind was full of questions but I was too young to be allowed to ask any questions. Nonetheless, my inquiry of life and death had begun. When I was in college in the States, I took biology and philosophy classes on the subject of death and dying hoping to get my long-awaited answer. What I got instead was the biological and psychological process of dying and shallow discussions of popular beliefs and religions. I wasn't satisfied and felt that the real answer was becoming harder to pursue. After graduation, I hardly thought of the subject again. Life was comfortable and full of the promises of the material world.
Just when life seemed to be so comfortable, my husband was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and died a year and half later. During his illness, my need to search for the answer to life and death was ever strong and urgent. Death wasn't someone else's misfortune anymore; its hands were reaching so close to me that I could almost touch them. Then a friend told us about the Venerable Master. Less than two months before my husband died, our family met Shr Fu for the first time. Shr Fu recited a verse and said a few things to my husband. It was a powerful experience. Two months later, my husband died in peace while I was reading Sutra of the Past Vow of Earth-Store Bodhisattva at his bedside.
I have studied a little more about Buddhism since then. Although I can't say that I have found the answer to my question, I believe that I am on the right track. Shr Fu became my guiding light. When I first read Shr Fu's talks, I felt that they were too simple. Gradually, when I picked up the same section that I read before, I would find new meanings and reach new understanding. I started to study some Buddhist Sutras. I knew Shr Fu guided me to them. The world is full of temptations and I know I will be challenged by them. I may struggle and fail. But I am determined to find the ultimate truth. I asked Shr Fu to be my guiding light till I reach it. |
