在中國古時候，父母去世了，做子女的有守孝三年的禮節。在這三年之中，做子女的必須深居簡出，平日的物質享受，如豪華舒適的住所、美味講究的飲食，或者柔軟華麗的衣飾等，通通要改變過來；一切精神上的享受，如音樂舞蹈的觀賞操演，或晏飲、聚會、園遊、圍獵等活動，也通通要禁止。
這種喪禮，是上自天子，下至平民，都沒能例外的。因此就有守禮的天子，在三年中不視朝，把政事委交大臣去處理，自己穿著粗麻布衣，吃粗飯淡菜，獨居深宮，不親后妃，不近園池；甚至不理鬚髮，除非必要，連話也不說。這不消說，贏得不少聖人的讚歎。至於做官服公職的，通常會回鄉守制三年，以現代話來說，就是為了在家守孝，而申請留職停薪。那一般老百姓呢？當然也就在家守著，不出去工作了！有極孝順的，還索性在墓旁搭個茅屋住，那就叫「廬墓」。
為什麼要這樣約束呢？當年孔子的學生宰予就曾對孔子說：「父母去世守三年喪，其實一年都已夠久了！如果全國的人都三年不習禮，不習樂，這樣會禮崩樂壞的。況且物換星移也是一年一度，我認為一年也就夠了！」孔子就問他：「父母才死一年，穿好的，吃好的，在你能心安嗎？」宰予也不穚揉做作，很坦白地回答：「能安！」孔老夫子沒奈何，只好說：「你若能心安，就這麼做！有道的君子在居喪期間，內心充滿哀傷，雖有美食，食之不甘；雖有嘉樂，聞之不樂；一切日常起居，都不覺安適，所以才不願意享樂。現在你既然心安，就這麼去做去吧！」等宰予走後，孔子就評論說：「宰予真是不仁啊！子女生下來，至少也得經過三年，才能離開父母的懷抱。守三年喪，是天下通行的喪禮啊！宰予這人，對他父母有過三年的愛慕嗎？」
這意思是說，禮本來就是依據多數人人情的驅向，來制訂出一套配合的程序，以方便每個人遵循，使上下不亂；並不是用虛文來限制人自由的。遠古的人心比較單純厚道，父慈子孝的天性，幾幾乎就是無時不刻地自然流露；所以在父母死後，當然是寢食難安了！說真的，「父母之恩，昊天罔及」，就一輩子思慕也不為過。但人生在世，有應盡的義務和責任，不能離群索居，永遠沉湎在哀痛裏，這是不合乎中道的；而一年之喪，又意有未盡。怎麼辦呢？就兩者擇其中，定個三年，也算對父母頭三年推濕就乾、乳養提攜的辛勞，稍稍做個回報罷了！這是為什麼定三年的喪期。
等三年的喪期一到，就應該節制自己的哀傷，回復正常的生活。所以，當年孔子的學生子路，為他唯一的姐姐守完喪期後，還不忍除下喪服，孔子就告誡他：「你以為只有你才不忍心是不是？就路上可見的每個人，誰都是不忍心除下喪服的啊！可是先王制禮，本就為讓情感超過的人加以節制，讓悲痛不夠的人，能藉形式規定來改變自己。」由此可知，禮本是為了節制人情，使人在一個合理的範圍內，得到舒展情感的機會；並不在束縛人的手腳。「禮者，理也」，倘若你有很足夠的理由，譬如賺錢養家、從軍服役或重大公務等，不能做到喪禮所要求的，是沒有人會責備你「從權」的。禮以真誠為本，假若只拘泥於形式，而沒有誠心，就算守足三年的喪，又有什麼意義？還不如宰予來得坦白、不造作。事實上，形式本是為多數人而設，當然也可以為多數人而改。今日的時代與社會，在經歷了這麼大的變遷之後，古人所定的禮儀當然可以不同，但是原則卻是不可移易的。
什麼原則呢？就是盡誠。不唯喪禮如此，葬禮、祭禮，亦復如此。古人說：「大孝終身慕父母。」就是說，孝敬之心是生死如一的。世間人有不少在父母生前慳吝不孝，卻在父母的葬禮上，大事揮霍，或者雇請「職業孝子」代哭，又或大辦酒肉筵席，歌舞助陣；這等虛偽無聊的舉動，可恥亦復可憐！子路曾感嘆說：「人貧窮真是悲哀！父母在生時，無法好好奉養；死了，又無法好好辦喪事。」孔子就安慰他說：「如果能盡心盡力，就算嚼菜根、喝白開水，也能讓父母開心；誰說不能盡孝？就算沒錢買棺木，只能用草蓆包住遺體，不使暴露，也能合於禮法；誰說不能盡孝？那貧窮又有什麼關係？」所以孔子對喪祭之禮的看法是：第一，要依照自己的身份地位，並配合家庭經濟狀況，毋過與不及；也就是盡禮，合乎禮儀。第二，要存真正的哀傷之情和敬意；也就是盡誠，出乎至誠。 |
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In ancient China, people observed a three-year mourning period after their parents' passing, during which they lived in seclusion and hardly ever went out. They restrained themselves from enjoying such comforts as a luxurious dwelling, fine food, and soft and beautiful garments, and also abstained from pleasures of the spirit, such as watching or taking part in musical or dance performances, banquets, parties, trips, hunts, and so on.
The rites of mourning applied to everyone from the emperor down to the common citizens. Some emperors went into mourning and stayed away from the court for three years, leaving the government to their ministers. They secluded themselves in the palace, wore coarse garments, and ate bland food. They didn't visit their concubines or enter their gardens or ponds. They didn't shave or cut their hair, and did not talk unless it was absolutely necessary. Such behavior won the praise of sages. Other public officials also returned to their villages for three years' mourning. In modern terms, it would be equivalent to taking a leave of absence to go home. Ordinary people observed mourning by staying at home and not going to work. Those who were especially filial even built huts by the graveside of their parents and dwelt there.
Why did they restrain themselves in this way? Confucius was once asked by his disciple Zai Yu, "Why is there a three-year mourning period for parents? Isn't one year long enough? If every person in the country stops practicing the rites and performing music for three years, won't the rites and the music perish? All things, including the seasons, follow a yearly cycle; therefore, I think one year is enough."
Confucius asked him, "Would you feel comfortable wearing nice clothes and eating fine food only one year after your parents died?" Zai Yu answered frankly, "Sure, I'd be comfortable."
All Confucius could say was, "If you would feel comfortable, then just go ahead. When a person of true virtue mourns, he is so filled with grief that even if he eats fine food, he does not taste it; even if he hears fine music, it does not make him happy. In all the affairs of daily life, he feels no comfort or ease. That's why he has no inclination to indulge in pleasure. If you feel comfortable, go ahead and have your way." After Zai Yu left, Confucius said, "Zai Yu is truly lacking in humaneness. After a child is born, it cannot leave its parents' embrace for at least three years. Three years is the standard time of mourning for the whole country. I wonder whether Zai Yu loved his parents for three years."
The rites were set down according to the sentimental inclinations of the majority of the people, so that everyone would be able to uphold them and order could be maintained in society; they are not empty rules imposed upon people to restrain their freedom. In ancient times, people were more simple and kind-hearted. The instinct for parents to be kind and children to be filial was ever present. Therefore, when their parents passed away, it was natural for people to lose their appetite and have trouble sleeping. Truly, "the kindness of our parents is vaster than the heavens," and a lifetime of yearning for them would not be too much.
However, we all have duties and responsibilities to fulfill in life, so we cannot withdraw from the world and indulge in mourning forever--that would not be the Middle Way. On the other hand, one year didn't seem to be enough for mourning, so what could be done? As a compromise between the two, the period of three years was set as a token of repaying our parents for their toil in rearing us for the first three years of our lives.
Once the three years are over, one should restrain one's grief and return to a normal lifestyle. When Confucius' disciple Zi Lu felt reluctant to take off his mourning garb after completing the period of mourning for his sister, Confucius admonished him, "You think you're the only one who feels reluctant? Of all the people you meet on the road, who wouldn't be reluctant to take off the mourning garments? But the reason the ancient kings set forth the rites was to help those who are overly emotional to restrain their emotions, and those who are not sufficiently mournful to transform themselves through the rites." From this, we can see that the purpose of the rites is to help us restrain our emotions and express them within reasonable limits; it is not to deprive us of freedom. The rites are based upon principle and reason.
If you have good reason for not being able to carry out the rites of mourning, such as needing to earn money to support the family, being drafted into the military, or being involved in important public affairs, no one will blame you for being expedient. The rites are based on sincerity; if one were to concentrate only on external appearances and not have any real sincerity, then even if one observed the three-year mourning period, what meaning would it have? In that case Zai Yu's frank and unpretentious manner would be preferable. Actually, since the external formalities were designed for majority of the people, they can certainly be altered by the majority. The present age and society is so different from ancient times, that of course our rules of etiquette will be different from those followed by the ancients; however, the principle behind them unchangeable.
What is the principle? It is that of utmost sincerity. This is true not only of the rites of mourning, but also of the rites of burial and worship of the deceased. The ancients said, "One who is greatly filial thinks longingly of his parents for his or her whole life." That is to say, the thought of filial respect is the same whether one's parents are alive or deceased. Some people are mean and unfilial when their parents are living, and after their parents die, they may hold a grand funeral, perhaps hiring a professional "filial son" to cry in their stead, or perhaps having a great banquet with music and entertainment. Such hypocritical acts are both disgraceful and pitiful.
Zi Lu once lamented, "How miserable it is to be poor. One cannot support one's parents well when they are alive, and one cannot give them a good funeral after they die." Confucius consoled him, "As long as you do your best, even if you can only serve vegetable roots and plain water at the funeral, your parents will be happy. Who says you can't fulfill your filial duties? Even if you can't afford a coffin, if you can wrap the body with a straw mat so it won't be exposed, this is in accord with the rites. Who says you can't be filial? What does it matter if you are poor?"
Confucius' view toward the rites of mourning and worship of the deceased was: First, if one performs them according to one's status and financial situation, neither going overboard nor doing too little, then one is in accord with the rites. Secondly, one should genuinely feel sorrow and respect, which is to say, one should have the utmost sincerity. |
