前面說到勸父母改小過時，必須堅持到底；但是萬一勸到父母開始不高興時，就要馬上停止，等哪一天父母心情好時，才再繼續勸，就像牛皮糖一樣的黏勁兒。牛皮糖軟，而且甜；不只是甜，還很黏，非纏到父母改過，誓不罷休。必要時還可以聲淚俱下，讓父母不忍心一意孤行下去。萬一父母還是不聽，甚至反過來說是我們的思想錯誤，而要責罵我們，甚至於打我們時，怎麼辦？古代的中國聖人也傳授了一個妙招：「小杖則受，大杖則逃。」以孝順聞名的曾子，有一回挖土，不小心刨了瓜的根；他父親十分生氣，順手抓過一根棍子，打得曾子跛了好幾天。而曾子體會親心入微，怕父親看到難過，還每天高高興興地，不敢讓父親看出他受了重傷。孔子知道後，不但沒誇他孝順，還責備他笨和不孝。為什麼呢？因為他「陷父母於不義」了！假如曾子因此殘廢或者死亡，他的父親豈不是要入獄受刑，並一輩子生活在他人的唾棄，與自己的悔恨之中？所以真懂得孝道真諦的，是不會做個傻孝子的。
父母若是罵，或只打我們幾下子，就承受下來，反正痛一下也就過去了，犯不著小題大作，以為就是虐待。其實，父母都是「打在兒身，痛在娘心」的。但是父母若失去理智，沒命地毒打時，就一定要躲、要逃了！現代的人很注重虐待兒童 (child abuse) 的問題，但是卻有點反應過度，甚而濫用。不少偶而受罰的孩子，被當作 child abuse 處理，而與父母隔離，造成雙方心理上的不平衡；更有孩子利用這個來要脅父母，弄得父母不敢嚴厲管教孩子，造成一堆問題青少年。今日社會問題之所以層出不窮，難道不是濫用保護政策，與誤解自由平等的結果嗎？凡事總是以合乎中道為佳，真正的 child abuse，我們絕不應漠視，但也不宜反應過度，造成父母師長管教上的困擾。
有一個女學生，她的母親在離婚後，變得更好喝酒，醉了就亂發脾氣；那時若孩子不小心惹了她，不是挨打就是挨罵。有一天，這當時才十二歲的女孩子，見母親打小妹妹，就逃到鄰家，打電話向專管 child abuse的部門求救。經法院判決，孩子不宜再與母親同住；於是姐妹倆就被兩個不同的家庭認養了。有時這女學生去看望她生母，她母親卻看也不看她一眼；她就自己內疚著，以為母親一定恨透了她。而在她那位專靠收養這類孩子為生的養母那兒，又未得到真正的愛和照顧。為應付大人的挑剔，她學會了討好巴結；把一腔不平衡的情緒都發洩到外面，而對同年齡的孩子有著暴力的傾向。到了上高中後，她比較懂事了，試圖去了解她的生母，才發覺她的生母其實是活在悔恨裏，再加上思念孩子和孤獨無助，變得更加自暴自棄，振作不起來。這女學生也很希望一家團圓，但是法律上已不許可了！
話說回來，孩子在成長的過程中，或多或少，或久或暫地，都有一段偶像塑造與崇拜的模仿期；誰是他們模仿的對象呢？當然是以父母、年長的家庭成員為最早的對象了！其次才是師長，接著便是一些社會名人和歷史英雄。既然父母是最早的偶像人選，在童稚的心中，自有其顛撲不破的地位，那麼孩子又能有多少智慧，去判斷父母是否犯下過錯？萬一他們發現了父母也有過錯，他們又會怎樣震驚和失望？孩子們的是非標準和概念，本來就有待大人的教導，而今不但要承擔這種打擊，還要負起規勸的責任，那又是多麼不容易啊！但是，我們也不要低估了孩子的良知和良能。假使古代的中國孩子能勉力這樣去做，那麼現代的中國孩子也能；中國孩子能，那麼各國的孩子也能。只不過現代的大人替小孩設想太多，保護太過，令孩子喪失了天賦的適應力，而變得自私自利或神經質罷了！所以從各方面來看，我們還是以實踐這個古老的原則，按照這些方法去做，比較能理事圓融無礙。
徵求義務教師
萬佛聖城長期徵求大、中、小學各科系義務教師。歡迎有能力、肯發心、不計較，能遵守聖城六大宗旨：不爭、不貪、不求、不自私、不自利、不妄語，願放棄城市生活，投入淡泊而充實的精神生活者。我們也需要體育、童軍、園藝、工藝（雕塑）及住宿輔導等人才。不拘年齡、性別與國籍，有志從事義務教學工作者，請與姜吉甫教授洽談。聯絡辦法：萬佛聖城 Talmage, CA 95481-0217 U.S.A., Tel: (707) 462-0939 信封請註明「應徵義務教師」。（聖城歡迎義工參與服務，不限學歷） |
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The previous passage told us that when exhorting our parents to change their faults, we should be persistent. However, if our parents become upset, we should immediately stop and wait for a day when our parents are in a better mood to continue. Our persistence should be like the stickiness of taffy. Not only is it soft and sweet, but it is extremely sticky; we must not give up until our parents change for the better. If the need arises, we may even break down in tears, until our parents cannot bear to be willful anymore. What if, instead of listening to us, our parents scold us and say we are wrong, or even hit us? The ancient sages of China gave a good piece of advice: "If they beat us with a small stick, we should endure it. If they come with a big stick, we should run away."
Zeng Zi (Confucius' disciple) was renowned for his filiality. Once when he was digging the earth, he accidentally hacked through the root of a melon plant. His father was so furious that he grabbed a stick and gave his son a fierce beating. Zeng Zi was lame for several days. But knowing that his father would feel bad if he knew, Zeng Zi acted happy and didn't dare let his father find out that he had been seriously hurt. When Confucius heard about this, he not only didn't praise Zeng Zi for being filial, but rather scolded him for being foolish and unfilial. Why? Because he had allowed his parents to incur a reputation of unkindness. If Zeng Zi had ended up permanently crippled or dead, his father would undoubtedly have been imprisoned and punished, and would have had to suffer disgrace and regret for the rest of his life. One who truly understands the meaning of filiality would not act so foolishly.
If our parents scold or hit us a few times, we might as well bear it, for the pain will go away soon. There's no need to make a big deal and think they are abusing us. Actually, when parents hit their children, they feel the pain in their own hearts. However, if our parents lose their minds and beat us viciously, then it's time to run and hide!
Nowadays people pay a lot of attention to the problem of child abuse, but the measures taken to prevent it are sometimes a bit excessive. Parents who occasionally punish their children may be charged with child abuse and have their children taken away from them; this results in unnecessary psychological harm to both sides. Sometimes children take advantage of this situation and use it to threaten their parents, so that parents don't dare to be stern with their children. The lack of discipline has resulted in large numbers of juvenile delinquents. Today's endless social problems are perhaps a consequence of the abuse of protective policies and the misunderstood notion of freedom.
In general, it would be best to find a happy medium. Genuine cases of child abuse should definitely not be overlooked. On the other hand, measures taken to prevent child abuse should not be so overreactionary that it becomes difficult for parents and teachers to discipline children.
There was a young girl whose mother got a divorce. After the divorce, the mother often drank and was very temperamental when she was drunk. If she got upset at her daughter, she would scold or beat her. One day the girl, who was twelve years old at the time, saw her mother beating her little sister, so she ran over to a neighbor's house and called the Child Abuse Hotline for help. The court ruled that the mother was not fit to live with her children. The two sisters were separated and were sent to different foster homes. When the girl went to visit her mother, her mother didn't even bother to look at her. She felt sure that her mother hated her. Yet she found no genuine love or caring in her new foster home either. In reaction to criticism from the adults around her, she learned how to please and flatter them. Sometimes she let out her pent-up emotions and behaved violently toward other children.
When she grew more mature in high school, she made an effort to understand her biological mother. It was only then that she realized how lonely and without support her mother had been, how much she had yearned for her children and been filled with regret. Her mother was even more helpless than before, unable to set her life straight. The daughter hoped to patch up her broken family now, but the law wouldn't allow it!
When children are growing up, there is a time when they are looking for models to follow and idols to worship. This time varies in length and intensity from person to person. Of course parents and elder family members are their earliest models, followed by teachers, famous people in society, and heroes in history. Since parents are the earliest models, they hold an indestructible place in a child's heart. How much wisdom does a child have to judge whether or not his parents are at fault? When children discover that their parents can also make mistakes, imagine their shock and disappointment. Since children rely on adults to give them a standard for right and wrong, how difficult it must be when they not only have to overcome the shock of seeing their parents'err, but they have to take on the responsibility of exhorting their parents to change. Nevertheless, we should not underestimate children's intelligence and capabilities. If the children of ancient China were able to do it, so can the Chinese children of today. If Chinese children can do it, so can those of other nationalities. It's just that today's adults are overly protective of children, causing children to lose their natural adaptive abilities and become selfish and neurotic instead. Therefore, from all perspectives, it seems that we should go back to the ancient principles; that seems to be the most perfect solution.
Volunteer Teachers Wanted
The City of Ten Thousand Buddhas (CTTB) needs long-term volunteer teachers to teach a variety of courses at the elementary, high school, and university levels. We welcome capable individuals who have a firm resolve, do not crave benefits, and will follow the Six Guidelines of CTTB: not contending, not being greedy, not seeking, not being selfish, not pursuing personal gain, and not lying. People who are ready to leave an urban life-style and want to lead a simple but fulfilling spiritual life are welcome to apply for a volunteer teaching position. We are also looking for people with backgrounds in physical education, gardening, handicrafts, and dormitory counseling. There are no restrictions of age, gender or nationality. Please contact Prof. Chiang Chi-fu at CTTB, Talmage, CA 95481-0217, U.S.A., Tel: (707) 462-0939. Please write: "Application for Volunteer Teaching" on the envelope. Other volunteers are also welcome to join in the work at the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas, regardless of their educational backgrounds. |
