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指一算，我出家竟有十年了。一日師問曰：「妳出家很久了，在聖城是做什麼呢？會講哪一部經了？」「弟子慚愧，一部經也不會講。因為弟子偏重於工作，所以忽略了研讀經典。」「做什麼工作？」「弟子喜於清潔、整理的工作。」「這是不行的，妳只知道把外面清理乾淨，裡面卻那麼邋遢，一點修行也沒有，妳打那麼多妄想幹什麼？」
師父上人一席話，令我頓時明白，啊！原來我平日只會撿人垃圾，而不知去清除內心之塵垢。終日只在妄想、執著分別上用功夫。自此後，我不敢忽略早晚課，該工作時盡力而為，該參加法會時就放下工作，好好念佛、誦經。若一日不做早課，心裡就會很難過，終日會像失落什麼似的，所以除非有重病，否則必定隨眾到大殿上早課。
同樣的經、咒，但是每日在唱誦時，皆有不同之感受及法益。每誦一句佛的聖號，心裡就增多一點光明，感覺自性的苦惱眾生又多度了一些。一天早上起來，打了個妄想：「今天好像有點不舒服？」這麼一想，頓時就感到腰痠背疼，全身不能動彈，可是念頭又一轉：「除非妳死了，否則還是要去用功的！」結果勉強地爬起來到佛殿去，早課後不但沒事，病也不知何時已消失了！
最近，我又被境界所轉，妄想紛飛，心猿意馬，思想上的染污已到了墮落之邊緣，在極度恐懼、不安、自責、困擾中，忽然讓我看到一張師父上人莊嚴無比的法相，瞻仰著師父上人慈悲的笑容，其眉間似發出無比的毫光，放淨光明，照觸我身，我即時合掌求哀懺悔，發露無餘．頓時感覺在光中師父上人似乎對我說：「妳不要怕，只要勇於改過，誠心懺悔，我是可以原諒妳！」在這一剎那中，我感覺自己最染污的思想後面，是有著其光明的一面，所謂煩惱即菩提，就看我會不會轉過來。於是這一股信心及力量，令我勇於面對「現實」，將分散之心重新攝回，「對境無心」，可是才生出一念高興，以為自己已無心了，馬上境界又出現了。平靜的心又七上八下，困惑不已。
不久，大眾在念〈大悲咒〉一百零八遍，我集中精神朗念〈大悲咒〉，快速的小「槌子」敲在小木魚上，似在敲斷重重的無明煩惱。眾人共念誦〈大悲咒〉有一股巨大不可思議的力量，洗滌我心上塵垢，陣陣的法喜洋溢著我的心懷，綿綿的輕安使我漸漸安定。所謂：「性定魔伏朝朝樂，妄念不起處處安。」很奇妙地內境不動，外境也安靜下來了。如《華嚴經》云：「一切諸佛能於一塵現不可說不可說諸佛轉淨法輪。一切諸佛能於一塵現不可說不可說眾生受化調伏。」
這一關算是過了，可是沒多久我那無始劫來的妄想執著、六根門頭的賊又把我已忘了的人、事重新勾出，（我發願一定要將這些煩惱賊殺光！）竟然令我在做晚課時又生出許多雜染之念頭，我幾乎連經也念不出聲。猛然抬頭瞻仰著佛像的莊嚴清淨無染，似乎又看到師父那白毫相光及其澄清的紺目，馬上又有一股不可思議的力量令我能摒棄一切雜染的念頭，專注地敲大木魚高聲地跟著大眾唱誦〈八十八佛懺悔文〉，隨起隨懺，文中廣大的義理擴大我的心懷。接下來的〈彌陀讚〉及唱誦阿彌陀佛聖號聲更淨化了我整個心地，剎那間，人、我、眾生、壽者相消失了，人我彼此間之染緣也沒有了，取而代之的是一種淨光互照。何其自性本自清淨，只因一念無明而於「平等法中，起自他想，愛見為本，身口為緣，於諸有中，無罪不造。」
徐徐的冷風從窗口吹來，陣陣的風浪聲，令我抖擻精神，稍有清淨之感覺，馬上又浮起妄念，即時參「念佛是誰？」「誰」沒找著，但「誰」字一起，妄念即滅；再有妄念起，再參「誰」。如《華嚴經》云：
真如離妄恆寂靜，無生無滅普周遍。
了知諸法性寂滅，如鳥飛空無有跡。
若有欲知佛境界，當淨其意如虛空。
遠離妄想及諸取，令心所向皆無礙。
我在修行的道路上如隔日瘧似的，時好時壞；路途雖然是崎嶇，艱危，遙遠而無際，但我願意腳踏實地，點滴成修。願以普賢菩薩行願力故，起深信解，現前知見，悉以無上妙法，供養盡法界虛空界，十方三世一切諸佛。所謂如說修行供養，利益眾生供養，攝受眾生供養，代眾生苦供養，勤修善根供養，不捨菩薩業供養，不離菩提心供養，復以此功德迴向無上菩提，願一切修行人乃至一切眾生速成無上佛果。
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ounting on my fingers, I found that I had left the home-life for ten years. One day the Master said to me, “You have left the home-life for a long time. What do you do in the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas? Which Sutra can you lecture on?” “This disciple is ashamed. I cannot lecture on a single Sutra. I have been focusing on work, and so I neglected to study the Sutras.” “What do you do?” “I like to clean and organize things.” “That will not do. You only sweep clean the world outside, but the inside is still messy. You don’t have a bit of cultivation. Why do you have so many idle thoughts?”
The teacher’s words made me suddenly realize: “Ah! So I have been picking up behind other people and not cleaning up the dust and filth in my mind. All day long, I spend my time indulging in idle thinking, discrimination, and attachment.” From that time on, I have never dared to skip the morning and evening recitations. When it is time to work, I put all my effort into working; and when it is time to attend the Dharma sessions, I set the work aside and concentrate on reciting the Buddha’s name or the Sutras. If I miss morning recitation, I feel uneasy all day long, as if something were missing. Therefore, unless I am seriously ill, I always follow the assembly to the Buddha Hall to attend morning recitation.
The Sutras and mantras are the same, but the feeling and the benefit derived from the recitation are different every day. With every recitation of the Buddha’s holy name, my mind becomes a little brighter and a few more of the afflicted living beings of my nature are saved. One day, I had an idle thought upon waking in the morning, “I don’t seem to feel well today.” With this idle thought, I suddenly felt sore all over and could not move. But then my thinking turned around and I thought to myself, “Unless you die, you must go!” I forced myself to get up and go to the Buddha Hall. After the morning recitation, I not only felt fine, but without my knowing, the illness was also gone!
Recently, I was affected by external states again; with many idle thoughts arising, my mind resembled a fidgety monkey or a wild horse. Such polluted thoughts led me to the point of backsliding in my cultivation. Caught up in extreme fear, uneasiness, self-reproach, and confusion, I happened to see the most adorned picture of the Master. As I gazed at the Master’s kind and compassionate smile, a bright light seemed to shine from between his brows and touch me. Immediately, I placed my palms together in repentance and made a full confession. In the radiance, I felt as if the Master were saying to me, “Don’t be afraid. Just bravely correct your faults and repent sincerely, and I will forgive you!” In that moment, I felt that behind the most defiled thoughts, there was also a bright side to my mind. As it is said, “affliction is Bodhi.” It all depends whether one can turn it around. With newly-discovered faith and strength, I was able to face reality, and once again I concentrated my scattered mind to the point of “having no mind when facing states.” Just when I thought I had no mind and felt happy about it, more states immediately manifested. Once again, the calm mind was disturbed and confused.
Not long afterward, the assembly was going to recite the Great Compassion Mantra 108 times. I concentrated on reciting the mantra loudly. The small mallet swiftly hitting the small wooden fish seemed to be striking at the myriad layers of affliction of ignorance. A tremendous and inconceivable stabilizing power derived from the assembly’s recitation of the Great Compassion Mantra cleansed the defiling dust from my mind. Waves of Dharma-joy filled my mind; a continuous feeling of lightness and ease gradually brought me peace. It is said, “When the nature is settled and demon are subdued, every day is happy. With no false thoughts arising, every place is peaceful.” It is wonderful and strange that when the inner state is calm, the external state also quiets down. As it says in the Avatamsaka Sutra, “All Buddhas can, in a single mote of dust, manifest an ineffably ineffable number of Buddhas turning the pure Dharma-wheel. All Buddhas can, in a single mote of dust, manifest an ineffably ineffable number of living beings who are being taught, regulated and subdued.”
That test had passed. However, just a little later, my idle thoughts and attachments from beginningless ages and the thieves of the six sense organs again brought out people and affairs which I had long forgotten. (I vow to kill every one of these thieves of affliction!) As a result, I gave rise to many confused and defiled thoughts during the evening recitation, and I could barely recite the Sutra. Abruptly, I raised my head and looked up at the Buddha image, so adorned, pure, and free of defilement. I seemed to see the bright light emitted from between my Teacher’s brows, and his pure and clear eyes. Immediately, I felt an inconceivable strength which enabled me to discard all the confused and defiled thoughts and concentrate on hitting the large wooden fish and reciting loudly the Eighty-eight Buddhas Repentance Ceremony with the assembly. I repented as soon as the idle thoughts arose. The great principles in the repentance text expanded my mind. The praise to Amitabha Buddha and the recitation of Amitabha Buddha’s holy name following the repentance completely purified my mind. In that instant, the views of people, self, living beings, and life span disappeared; the defiled affinities between others and self were also gone. Instead, pure lights reflecting one another appeared. The inherent nature is originally pure and clean. It is only because of one thought of ignorance that, “In the midst of the sameness of dharmas arise the notions of self and others. In all existence, love and views are the basis, and body and mouth are the conditions: with them no offense is not created.”
The cold wind which blew in from the window and the sound it made shook me to alertness and vigor. I felt moments of purity and cleanness. However, idle thoughts surfaced again in no time; I quickly switched to investigating “Who is mindful of the Buddha?” I did not find the “who,” but when the “who” came up, the idle thoughts were instantly extinguished. When idle thought arose again, I again investigated “who.” As it says in the Avatamsaka Sutra:
When true suchness separates from falseness, there is constant stillness. Neither produced nor
destroyed, it is universally pervasive.
Thoroughly understand that the nature of all dharmas
is still and extinct,
Like birds flying through space, leaving no trace.
If one wants to know the Buddha’s state,
He should purify his own mind so that it is like the void.
Leave false thoughts and the myriad attachments far behind
So that the mind will have no obstruction wherever it goes.
On the path of cultivation, I am like a person stricken with malaria which attacks every other day. Sometimes I am okay; other times I am not. Although the path is winding and difficult and stretches on with no end in sight, I am willing to honestly walk upon it, step by step, until I accomplish my cultivation. By the power of the vows and conduct of Universal Worthy Bodhisattva, I vow to give rise to profound faith and understanding of present knowledge and views, and to make offerings of supreme wonderful Dharma to all Buddhas of the ten directions and the three periods of time throughout the Dharma Realm and empty space. As it says, make the offering of cultivating according to the teachings, of benefiting living beings, of standing in for all beings to undergo their suffering, of diligently cultivating good roots, of not forsaking the deeds of Bodhisattvas, and of not renouncing the Bodhi mind. The merit and virtue of such offerings are dedicated to supreme Bodhi, in the hope that all cultivators and all living beings will soon realize Buddhahood.
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