生長於一個與佛教十分有緣的家庭裡，母親在我小時候便已長年茹素，而我與其餘的家人則仍葷食如故。直至國中三年級時，我因腳跌傷，母親便發願全家吃素，然而我仍然陽奉陰違，外出時便又恢復肉食，大吃特吃。此時素食對我而言，是痛苦的應付，毫無悲念可言。外婆家以務農為生，只要一放假，到外婆家的田地山野間，時常傷害各種小生命，諸如魚蝦之類，因此造了許多殺業。
或許因殺業過重，成長的過程中挫折不斷，但因此讓我產生了些許反省的作用。又其時環保觀念在臺初興，讓我驚覺眼前生態環境的巨變，一些無可復返的景象及生物，在我們不經意間，和視為理所當然 的攫取、捕殺及開發下，永遠地消失破壞了，面對新生的一代，我們如何自圓其說 呢？過度耗費自然資源，甚或破壞未來萬物生存的機會，其罪深矣，然此時的我， 並未了解素食與這之間的關聯，而仍依著習氣所為。
高中三年級時，出了一場幾乎奪走我生命的車禍，但也因此改變了我的生活觀。許多朋友都認為我與從前判若兩人，其實真正改變的是，我對生命的態度和認知。猶記當時腦部手術後，在一般病房休養時，由於喪失了一段記憶，父母告訴我車禍後至醫院搶救時的情況，醫師說我僅有百分之五十的生存機會；還有腦部受傷所引發的痙攣掙扎的景況，與加護病房中危脆生命的瞬逝，以及求生諸像，活脫如地獄、天堂交會處一般。
某日，已出家的姊姊來看我，在百感交集的病房生涯中，我想了許多的問題，我對他提問：「何為素食之真義？」她答我：「素食乃尊重生命的表現。」又問我：「你現在珍惜自己的生命嗎？」當下剛從鬼門關走回來的我，被如此簡單而深切的答問給震醒了。這種由愛惜自己推及尊重所有生命的素食內涵，是多麼自然，多麼 可貴啊！此時又讓我思及環保的精神與此 正是不謀而合，同歸一源。
朋友對我的轉變十分驚訝，或有試著在我面前葷食而考驗我者，然我觀念既已修正（任何葷貪便很自然地不具誘惑力；又或有謂反正不是自己所殺，故當可食者，則我回答他，以市場供需而言，消費促進生產供應，所以葷食亦促殺業之生。
今天寫這篇文章，以一人真實經歷，以誠實不誇之語，記我從好殺好食眾生，到今天能樂於吃素的轉變。願能為殺劫益重之今日植一善緣種子，以期益利眾生；另外也在此對以往的好殺，做一深切之懺悔，願因無知或有知而造殺業者，能更增善念，則甚幸。
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I grew up in a family which has great affinities with Buddhism. In my childhood, my mother was already a full-time vegetarian; while the rest of the members of the family still ate meat. Once during the third year of my junior high school studies, I broke my leg. Mother made a vow that all of us would eat a pure vegetarian diet. I, however, pretended to obey the rule and yet ate meat extravagantly. I really indulged in it whenever I was out. At that time, it was a great sacrifice to comply with mother's rules; my vegetarianism had nothing to do with compassion. My grandmother-in-law's family made their living as farmers. Whenever I spent a holiday in the fields and mountains by her house, I often harmed and killed little creatures like fish and shrimps, so I created huge amounts of killing karma.
Perhaps because of the heavy killing karma, difficulties never ended during my growing period; yet my troubles gave me a chance to reflect within. Moreover, the idea of environmental protection had just begun in Taiwan, and I was startled to witness the drastic changes in the ecological environment before us. Some landscapes have been altered forever; some living creatures have been captured and killed. Even though we did it unconsciously, we took nature for granted, and these species have been forever destroyed and are now extinct. Facing the newborn generation, how do we explain ourselves? We have committed a serious offense, to have exhausted the natural resources and to have harmed all creatures' chance at life in the future. I, however, still followed my bad habits and failed to understand the connections between the destruction of the environment and eating vegetarian food.
A car accident almost took my life in the third year of my senior high school days. My outlook on life was thus totally changed. Many friends say that I have become an entirely different person; what has really changed, however, is my awareness of life in general and my attitude towards life. I still remember after the brain surgery, I was recuperating in the general ward and my parents told me about the situation that happened after the accident. They said I was rescued in the hospital, and that the doctors said I had only a fifty percent chance to survive. The convulsions and struggling were caused by the injury to my brain. I saw that life is so fragile! In the Intensive Care Unit it easily passes away and the sights I saw during my struggle for life were remarkably like the place that lies between heaven and hell.
One day, my sister, a nun who had left the householder's life came to see me. I had thought of many questions during my stay in the recovery room. I was full of many feelings. I asked her, "What is the real meaning of eating vegetarian food?" She replied, "It indicates your respect for life." "Are you cherishing your own life now?" she asked. Having just returned from the gate of hell, I was brought awake by this simple and profound question. How natural and admirable! How right it is that the meaning of eating vegetables came from cherishing one's own life, which then develops into respect for all lives! It makes me think of vegetarianism's connection with the spirit of environmental protection: they arise from the same source.
The change in me surprised all my friends. Some tested me by eating meat in front of me; however, once my view was corrected, meat no longer tempted me anymore. Some people tried to convince me that since the meat was not killed by me, so it was all right for us to eat it. My answer to them was: according to the demand in the market, consumption promotes supply and production. And that's why eating meat helps create the karma of killing.
I have written this essay about my own experience; I have written sincere words to describe my change from being fond of killing and eating the flesh of living beings, to one who delights in eating vegetarian food. I wish to plant a good-conditioned seed to benefit the living beings of today, a time when killing appears more and more in the world. And also I wish to repent deeply of all the karma of killing that I created, intentionally or not. And it will be even more fortunate if I may thus increase in good thoughts, if that is possible. |
