出家因緣?「因」,為真理,就是要明白所不明白的一切一切;為解脫,就是渴望能自由自在,安穩無礙;為方便,就是能名正言順,以相表志。「緣」,很多很多,不能盡數。
有生以來一直對生命宇宙及自我之迷,抱著崇高的理想,欲求了解又不肯輕易接受任何欠缺圓滿的義理。過去以為數學是科技創作的泉源,是清新的智慧,直到後來接觸了大數學家的生活層面,我的夢頓然破了。我了解到安穩的心性來自充分的信心,而信心並不是從幾何證明中來的。
也曾以為金錢和友誼是信心的依處,然而眼見錢財、友情的失散與流逝,才了解到一切是無常。在求學過程中,我感觸到青年人的迷惑無主,不知何去何從?世法的不究竟,使我對世間法不感興趣。對於真理,我不願意自以為知道,只有真心誠意耐煩地去覺察。
一九八七年冬天,在莊嚴寺打佛七,意外地把一些自我的長城跪倒了,頓時久已封閉的胸懷再度開啟。看了師父上人的《開示錄》,使我道心更加堅固,平時也每天持誦《金剛經》。八九年到萬佛聖城參訪,就直覺這裡是心目中的歸宿,希望能住進年久失修的房子,一一妥善整治,為道場做一些事情。九一年再度來到聖城,當時想或許可以清理城內的房子,或在男校教書,沒想到因緣成熟,能在上人座下披剃,滿了出家願。於一九九二年九月受三壇大戒。
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My reasons for leaving home are: First, I wish to understand the truth about everything I don't under-stand. Second, I hope to become free and at ease, secure and unobstructed. Third, I want to be in a position that justifies what I say and do, and let my appearance express my resolve. As for the conditions, there are too many to enumerate.
All my life, I have been confronted with the delusion of life, the universe, and the self. Cherishing lofty ideals, I sought understanding while refusing to accept incomplete theories. I used to think mathematics was the wellspring of science and technology. But when I became met the great mathematicians in actual life, that dream was shattered. I came to realize that a calm mind and peaceful nature come from the fullness of faith, and such faith does not come from geometry proofs.
I also used to regard money and friendship as things I could rely on. It was only after seeing wealth and friendship disappear that I understood the impermanence of all things. While studying in school, I sensed that young people were confused and lacked direction, not knowing where to go. I recognized that worldly dharmas are not ultimate, and had no interest in them. I do not presume to understand the truth, but I have a genuine and earnest wish to patiently investigate it.
In the winter of 1987, I attended a retreat for reciting the Buddha's name at Wonderful Adornment Monastery, and unexpectedly broke down the shell of the ego and opened up my mind, which had long been sealed. After reading the
Instructional Talks of the Venerable Master Hua, my resolve for the Tao was strengthened, and I started reciting the
Vajra Sutra everyday. Visiting the Sagely City of Ten Thousand Buddhas in 1989, I felt I had found the ideal refuge. I hoped to move into the buildings that had fallen into disrepair over the years, and renovate them one by one as a contribution to the Way-place. When I returned to the City in 1991, I thought 1 planned to clean the buildings, or teach in the boy's school, not expecting that I would have the chance fulfill my wish to leave the home-life under the Venerable Master. I was ordained in the Three Platforms of Great Precepts in September of 1992.
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