The Bodhi Stand

  Introduces 
UPASIKA KUO K'AI ROBERTSON

Kuo K'ai was born in San Francisco on March 3, 1949. From there her family moved to Richmond in the East Bay. There her younger brother was born, making the fourth child in her family. Four years later her family moved to a city fifteen miles south of San Francisco where Kuo K'ai spent most of her next twenty years.

Coming from an economic middle class, both her parents worked constantly to provide for the needs of the family and a few luxuries. Kuo K'ai went to a Catholic school from the first through fifth grades and although she was well liked by the nuns she had trouble getting along with the other students. This must not have mattered a lot to her, for she thinks back on her childhood as being a happy and secure one.

She was a filial child and did everything she could to avoid being a problem to her parents, especially since she was keenly aware of how hard it was for them to raise four children and work all day.

When she was young her father and she both contracted tuberculosis. She rarely complained about being ill, to the point that her parents often were concerned about her stoicism, especially in light of the fact they knew she was not well. Kuo K'ai explains that her behavior was meant to be one of filial regard. "I never wanted to be a burden to my parents so when I was sick, I just went to my room and stayed until one of my parents or siblings found me there."

When Kuo K'ai was thirteen, her father died and she experienced a new kind of suffering. His passing left a deep impression. "My whole life changed drastically," Kuo K'ai relates. "When my father died I became very angry. I often sat in my room and cried and prayed that he would not go to the hells, for I loved him so much. My anger grew to such proportions that I began living a life of fantasy and spending much time in isolation in my room. Out of this anger grew a deep depression and an aching sense of loneliness which was really painful." Kuo K'ai's mother tried to help her daughter out of this emotional upheaval, but her attempts went unheeded by her daughter.

After graduating from high school Kuo K'ai got a job and began to explore ways to feel good and be an attractive person among her peers. Fortunately, her use of such potentially harmful methods ended before any ultimate disaster occurred and she found herself back in school. In 1973 she began reading about Buddhism and learned about meditation in a class at her college. She began to feel affinities with people again and says, "From there, the person I was that became a ‘rock’ was now taking the form of a person once again."