When I was a young child I took some clay and with my hands I molded a Buddha statue. My mother got some glazes for me, which I applied- red to the Buddha's body and brown for his robe. My mother had it fired in a kiln for me and I still have it today. I say this because in the telling of my background in Buddhism, the younger part of me wants to be included.  

I had no real exposure to Buddhism until ten years ago when I attended a Dharma talk at the invitation of a friend who was in my yoga and Tai-chi class. This talk greatly impressed me. I felt I had come across a source of great wisdom, so I started to read books to find out more about it. A few months later I met a meditation teacher with whom I did a four-day retreat, then another twelve-day retreat a month after that.

After this meditation I began to unravel, so to speak. There was so much that I had previously been unconscious to. I had been in kind of a numb, frozen state, and the meditation seemed to be melting me into being.

I carried on with several weeklong retreats over the next few years, until eventually my circumstances were such that I could have a steady daily practice. It seemed that for me, working full time and functioning well enough on the outside created a container for me to go more deeply inside.

So it was three and a half years ago that the emotions and memories really began to come through. It was a very intense period- I think I cried almost everyday for 3 years. I had so much anger, grief, and despair. I would feel hopeless and at times desperate.

This outpouring of feeling that I had previously carried inside, had little to do with my outer circumstances, although it wasn't easy to see this at the time. Eventually the intensity diminished and I was feeling much happier. But I still had a cycle of negative thinking that could spiral me down into the depths of despair. I was gaining more awareness of this pattern since I had many occasions to watch it repeating itself over and over like a broken record or like watching the same old movie again and again.

Last year when Christmas was approaching, I thought I just couldn't go through another painful holiday like I had in the past three years. I didn't want to get involved in all my thoughts of how alone I was and therefore how unlovable I must be. I knew part of my pattern was to look to the outer world for the answers, for somebody out there to save me- to love me. I knew that somehow I needed to find this love and peace inside. Highly motivated, I decided to do a meditation retreat over the holidays.

I looked into retreats at various meditation centers and they were either full or just didn't feel right. Somehow the idea of doing a solitary retreat in my own home seemed to feel right and that is what I did. During the period before the retreat I noticed how happy I was in planning my schedule and making preparations. Recommended by my meditation teacher, I did the Avalokitesvara meditation practice. This entails visualization of the Bodhisattva, prayer, and recitation of the mantra Om Mani Padme Hurn. I recited 179,750 counted mantras in 21 days, alternating one hour sitting and one hour walking practice from morning until bedtime. To my surprise I went through many states of consciousness, gaining more clarity and calm without experiencing any of the painful emotion I had been used to.  

This recent retreat has been incredibly healing for me. I feel this to be a turning point in my life as I continue to be in a much more peaceful and happy state.  

When I reflect on this healing journey, I feel so much overwhelming gratitude that it hurts. I know that this will ease through continuing to develop more compassion and helping others as I have been helped along. I am in wonder of the Dharma and I know now that it is real.